Bulimic DM - WWYD? 😞

[Whitedalmatian]

Name changed because of the topic..

I'll try my best not to drip feed but obviously as it involves an eating disorder there's a long history and its quite complicated.

While growing up, from the age of around 8/9 I was aware that DM used to make herself throw up. Didn't understand why etc but I remember feeling really disturbed listening to her make herself vomit repeatedly. She has also had alcohol problems.

By the time I reached age 13/14 I was aware of eating disorders and knew she was bulimic. Any attempt I made to discuss it with her or try and tell her how much it was effecting me went nowhere as she completely denied it and was often nasty to me over it - refusing to talk to me for days, telling lies to DF that I'd misbehaved badly so he wouldn't speak or listen to me either.

I now understand the secrecy part of eating disorders, but at the time I was angry at her.

I now have a lovely DD and they get along really well. But recently I've been at my parents and have overheard her still making herself sick (she previously said she was having treatment - she also goes to AA meetings so seemed to be doing well).

I tried to speak to her about it and was met with fury - I'm now in my 20s but she told me she was 'very cross with my behaviour' (by me trying to speak about it) and when I was walking away from her I sensed she was standing about 1cm behind me and turned around to her doing something very childish behind me in my direction (equivalent to pulling a horrible face but a bit more extreme)..

Tried speaking to DF and he said to leave it as she's fine despite the bulimia.

So I'm not sure what I should do now - I want to help but it feels like fighting a losing battle. I've really enjoyed our relationship and how her and DD also have a great relationship but it's horrible to think she's suffering from an eating disorder still.. It's sadly also made me feel apprehensive about DD sleeping over my parents without me because I'm worried she might overhear and not sure how that would affect her. I completely understand the need to be compassionate when Someone has an eating disorder and I want to help, but I still do have some of my feelings and thoughts from childhood about things she has done which I probably need to talk through.

WWYD?

Leave her to it. You can't do anything. Only she can help herself when she feels ready to do so. No amount of interference from you is going to help, in fact you're probably making her worse because you bringing it up embarrasses and stresses her.

You cannot help her with her bulimia, only she can do that.

But, you grew up knowing about it and you know what affect that had on you. And you want to protect your daughter from going through what you went through. So - " It's sadly also made me feel apprehensive about DD sleeping over my parents without me because I'm worried she might overhear and not sure how that would affect her." It's OK to tell your parents that your DD will not be sleeping over alone now, and why. It's OK to prioritise your daughter over your mother. ((hugs))

Hi OP,

I've recently finished a clinical placement working in a specialist eating disorder service. ED's are so complex and heart breaking for the individual but also the family who often feel helpless. Your mum needs professional help to overcome this, she has to make that decision and it sounds that she's not willing to seek that help yet. Often individuals experience rock bottom before they seek it. So perhaps not allowing your daughter to stay over will give your mum time to reflect. If its difficult having the conversation you could try writing her a letter, though be gentle with what you say as guilt can massively impact on an individuals purging behaviours.
Also, where I worked there was a local eating disorder charity which provided support for the families and carers of those effected. Perhaps there is something similar close to you, where you can seek support and advice? BEAT is a great charity, who I think may have a helpline too.

Best of luck to you and your mum
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