Finally told my crush of eight long years and now all my feelings have vanished?

[Noshitshirley]

Ten years ago I had a very short thing with a guy. It was short lived, he moved on, so I was really hurt at the time.

Over the years he has popped back into my life on occasions and we have met for drinks etc (nothing sexual).

Anyway, for the last eight years I have had such strong feelings for him and always thought about him. I've been In other long term relationships.

I finally put my big girl pants on and told him a few weeks ago. He surprised me by asking me out a couple of times, (I went) despite me making it clear that when I told him I didn't expect anything from it, although I did want something from it if I'm honest.

The problem now is, after holding this burning desire for years now I've told him, I don't think I feel the same anymore and I'm confused?
The guy I have been harbouring all,these feelings for, reciprocates and now I'm not sure if I feel the same? WTAF?

I have a great fear of entering into relationships and sexual stuff and am wondering if I've subconsciously been freaked out by the reciprocation bit?

Hi OP, just a theory, could it be that there was a large element of either wanting what you couldn't have (human nature!) or 'he left me, how dare he' kind of thinking and now that has been removed he's not so attractive?

Or your last paragraph might sum up the whole thing. Maybe a bit of both?

Yes it sounds like either wanting what you can't have it thinking that he's a 'safe' option to fancy as he doesn't reciprocate.

You're in a tricky situation now though.

Sounds like an extreme case of commitmentphobia.

You enjoyed longing for him - wanting what you can't have - because it allowed you to pretend to yourself you were "normal" and really wanted a relationship.

Turns out, when it's actually offered, you lose interest. If I'm right, it won't be long before you find someone else to fixate on to fill that gap - ideal choice would be a married man because they are very unavailable.

If this guy is a good guy and likes you too, I'd find yourself some therapy sharpish and hope you can work through your commitment fears before he reciprocates your own lost interest.

It seems to me that you built up a fantasy of who you thought this man was, but reality has given you a big slap in the face. You've wasted enough head space on this guy. It's time to say goodbye forever.

I have a great fear of entering into relationships and sexual stuff

There's your answer.

The chemistry might return?

It could well be fear.

If it's fear of commitment then I'd be inclined to push through it (go through the motions). It depends if you think the ayttraction was only down to his unavailability (not worth pursuing) or whether there is real genuine attraction that's now been dampened by his availability (worth pursuing). Therapy may be useful but won't sort this out in the short term. Either way, hang on in there for at least a short while to get a bit clearer in your kind.

Your MIND

Think you've answered your own question - your fear of intimacy.

Sounds like your avoidant in relationship style, meaning you harboured a crush for 10 years to avoid intimacy with others and now that's an option you are running away from it.

Strange.

Similar psychology, but I order things online and then can't be bothered to open the parcels when they come - because I already know what's inside iyswim. Eventually I open them and am pleased/happy with my purchase .

I rarely shop, so it isn't a problem as such, but something to do with expectations perhaps?

Thanks to all posters. I'm so disappointed with myself and as one poster has suggested I actually have recently discovered a little crush I have on a married man (would never act on it obvs)

I really struggle with issues surrounding sex and trust, commitment is not an issue for me but it's strange because as far as I know I've never been cheated on.

I'm a therapists dream I'm sure!

I'd step up and try and get this sorted if I were you. Otherwise you'll go through life looking in the window and never engaging in a meaningful way. Wishing you luck.

Thrill of the chase as it were - very uncomplicated.

You may have built up an idea in your head of him as your perfect man and he can't possibly live up to your expectations? Therefore after a couple of dates you're left feeling disappointed in the reality.

You don't really know him after a brief fling ten years ago.

Give the poor guy a chance. Be honest with him about your fear of intimacy and don't think too far ahead. Try to enjoy it for what it is, you're spending time with him and it may or may not develop into a relationship.
He'll agree to taking it slowly if he likes you.

Get to know the real him and forget your fantasy of him.