One year after separation - still hurt

[ClodTheGoat]

One year on and the anger I felt after my cheating partner left me for OW (we have toddler together), has just turned into plain hurt.

It still feels unbelievable that he did it. We were together for ten years, I absolutely thought he loved me then he cheated and treated me like shit in the aftermath.

I struggle to move on cos I have to see them both every other week for drop off. I dread it, get nervous stomach, can't sleep night before. It's just unpleasant.

I feel so lonely. I have friends and family but most evenings I'm alone and it's driving me crazy. I don't see an end to it.

What do I do? Will time fix it? Do I need antidepressants? Therapy?

If you were in this situation, what helped you?

Hi Clod. Time will almost certainly fix it in the end. It can just be a long, painful journey.

Would you want to take up an activity or class a couple of evenings per week so you're not always alone?

If you're struggling to function or think of much else (I've been there) you may benefit from an anti depressant and counseling. Both will hopefully be available through your GP. A good therapist will help you sort through your feelings and hopefully reach a resting place with the situation.

CBT might help with stressful situations such as when you have to see them. Again your GP should be able to help there. Heartbreak affects you physically and mentally so they will be reasonably used to seeing people who aren't coping with it.

for you. It's a horrible feeling when you're in the thick of it. One day though, it won't hurt anymore.

I just re read your post. Does it help you to focus on his bad points at all? May be a useful exercise when he pops into your head.

To cheat on you and leave you is incredibly hurtful but then pile on the agony by treating you like shit?

What helped me was to find someone new!
Also ask him to do the pick up, alone!

That's a good idea too!

OP if you're ready there's nothing like having someone to fancy to brighten your day.

My partner split up with me while I am pregnant and it hurts like hell, I feel for you girl. I can not date and even meeting friends is a chore because I don't want to answer questions about our relationship. I don't know what to recommend you, as I need that advise myself. I know it will be ok in the end and time heals and all but it hurts so much right now.

I likened it (when I reflected on it) to a snowball: the more I rolled the thoughts around in my head, the bigger and more intrusive the thoughts became. Try to stop rolling the snowball.

I hold a very unscientific theory that we have a finite quantity of space in our heads. So the more space you give to other stuff, the less space is left for mulling over.

If toddler care permits it, can you find a hobby or course or interest that you have always wanted to give time to? It could be a gripping Netflix binge, or trashy crime novels, or training for a 5k while listening to loud music or absorbing podcasts. It doesn't have to be working for the UN. It may not be a cure but it is a pathway to filling your busy brain to distraction. I took up the violin, watched all seven series of The Good Wife, took antidepressants, volunteered, and invited my friends in for takeaways. It didn't fill the void, but it filled SOME of it.

Also, I now have a job, and I make myself go on dates. I've had some sex but only when I was ready to do so. I over-medicate with the wine though.

He hurt you a year ago, and you're still letting him hurt you now. He won't be feeling any of these feelings or getting anxious at pick ups.

He isn't that man you fell in love with all then years ago and I know that's part of the pain, but it's how you need too look at it.

Start a hobby/activity, go out when he has your DC and start finding yourself again. Find out what it's like to be clod again. Time will be the biggest healer.

Do you use childcare at all? If so, try to arrange things so that as much as possible the child handover is done through that - e.g. Childminder and he picks up from them.

To get over somebody, get under somebody.

He was a complete wanker to you, remember that. Don't be bitter, he had every right to end things, just as you would. Dust yourself down & start the rest of your life

Thanks everyone.

Childcare is the main problem in not getting on with other things/dating. The only person who could look after toddler in evening is my mum and that seems limited to once every couple of months. I finish bedtime, could downstairs and it's 9/half 9, and I just sit on Internet. I went through spell of baking but got fat!!

I think suite's snowball theory is spot on and I do try not to dwell. I got loads of breakup books some of which helped a bit.

I'm not sure I'll ever date again. I think I'll struggle to trust anyone. Maybe the loneliness will outweigh the mistrust and I'll get there.

I'm clearly on a downer at the minute. It will probably pass.

Lol naze. I have to say I'm a bit mortified at idea of sex with someone else. Ex was the only person I'd ever slept with.

I really feel for you clod, im in the same boat but only 3 months in. Cant offer any advice but just wanted to send you a hug xx

Clod I understand how you feel, and you can get there, with a bit of help and self help. I am 5 years on from breakup, after 10 years together. Now he is just any old person, and I feel nothing for him, and the hurt is gone. I still can't stand to see him and OW but that is more to do with them upsetting DD now rather than upsetting me.

I recommend counselling, practicing mindfulness, and chatting to people online, either on MN or on FB. I am on my own every evening and am quite happy with that most of the time, however it can be very lonely at times.

sick I'm definitely in a better place than I was 3 months post-separation, so please know that it does improve.

Thanks pink. I definitely don't want him back, and feel like I've had a lucky escape. It's more the "how could he" feeling, mixed with a bit of jealousy that they get to holiday as a couple, live in the big house, plan wedding. I'm resentful of their happiness.

I know. I'm stuck there too.
He married me, adored me, was an amazing father/stepfather. He was everything to me/us.
He left one day. After a rare argument which related to finding porn streaming in his pocket whilst DCs were there. The phone was visibly hanging out of his pocket at the time.
He denied it existed, which was so stupid. For 48 hours we discussed the incident. That I would not accept lies. I didn't like porn much, but that wasn't the issue. I needed honesty.
The following day he called me at work. I was in a meeting, so said I'd call back.
I callled, he'd dropped our gorgeous girl at my Mum's, and left. He never returned.
I fucking hate him for that. My children are still suffering (2 Dds pre-marriage + 1 with him).
We were solid. Adored one another. Never argued. What a fucking waste of an amazing relationship!
Nobody compares. Nobody could. My daughters suffer from anxiety (abandonment), so do I. It hurts, we don't know why.
He met someone. I met someone. Good people, but cannot replace the perfection that we had.
I had stupid texts early on that claimed he was unfaithful. Calls from blocked numbers. That messed me up incredibly, I'm not sure if it was infidelity. If so, I would never let him in again.
If not, WTF is happening?
We went through crap after crap, but we were invincible. So why did he just fuck off?
If I could go back in time I would jack in my job and stuff the meeting. Stuff all of it.
I carry on because my girls need me. Otherwise I would leave everything that reminds me.
Life is evil.

That's horrendous loved, does he see the children? You definitely deserve some answers x

You know, one thing I never do is go back in time and wish I'd done things differently. We act and react completely instinctively when shock hits and we make the best decisions we can under the circumstances.

That said, I do wonder if that paints me into the corner of the never-wrong indignant victim. And perhaps I will consider that in the future. But don't second-guess your past decisions. You are where you are. Be true to yourself.