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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I tell him?

19 replies

Nelliephant · 10/05/2017 14:05

Name change.

For background, last year I went through what I can only now describe as a bit of a breakdown. Was given some bad health news and my relationship wasn't going well at all. I ended up being signed off work as I couldn't even face people at that time, was staying at my mums, started drinking alot, and in the end ended up in a short term affair (it lasted a month). Just to note I'm not AT ALL condoning my behaviour, just explaining the events that led to what happened.

I was (semi) honest with my OH, in the fact that I told him I had slept with someone else. He was absolutely crushed and I couldn't bring myself to devastate him further by telling him it was more than the once. We separated for 3 months and then decided to give things another go. We went to counselling and are actually getting back to a very good place. Both of us had some skeletons to face upto and both had to hear things we didn't want to, but we're actually in a better place than where we were before everything went downhill.

Even though we're doing so well, I just have this constant fear that he'll find out it was more than once and it'll devastate everything we've built back up. But I also feel I can't tell him now as I promised it was just the once. What would be the best thing to do? I feel like if I tell him he won't ever trust me again, and if I don't tell him and he finds out it would be the same outcome. Can I always live with the worry of 'what if' and always looking over my shoulder??

Please can I just have genuine advice. I don't need to be told what I did was wrong or that I don't deserve a second chance etc.

Thanks

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 10/05/2017 14:06

I'd be totally honest. Better to hear it directly from you

SorrelSoup · 10/05/2017 14:09

I wouldn't tell him. Is he likely to find out? Does anyone else know?

noego · 10/05/2017 14:10

If you build on weak foundations those foundations will eventually crumble. You say you have suffered a breakdown in the past, so how will this fear and guilt impact your MH issues?

Original poster

Nelliephant · 10/05/2017 14:24

sorrel only two of my friends know the full extent of what went on bur I trust them. In the past he's said he wouldn't have been able to forgive me if it had been more than once. I know it's cowardly but I am genuinely just too scared to tell him. The whole situation (as much as he knows) had such a bad effect on him when he just thought it was once - he was having panic attacks daily and lost 2 stone! Even now he struggles with what happened alot, although we are moving forward.

OP posts:

SorrelSoup · 10/05/2017 14:26

I'd keep it quiet and just lie if it comes up. Will the person you had the affair with say anything?

Original poster

Nelliephant · 10/05/2017 14:32

sorrel when I told my OH I spoke with the OM and he assured me he "wouldn't throw me under the bus", so I'm hoping he sticks to that. It was 8 months ago so I feel like if something was going to come out it would be more likely it would have by now??

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 10/05/2017 14:35

Is there any chance the other man would somehow tell him?

Any mutual friends?
Do you live in the same town or city?

I'd worry that if you had a fallout with your friends, they could tell him.

Did you tell your friends that you lied to your OH?

It's a danger when other people know, because you never know what they are capable of.

I'm not sure how long you were together before this or how serious the relationship is, but I think you need to be honest with him.

He needs to decide whether he still wants to be with you for knowing the full truth.

That would be the right thing to do IMO, otherwise you'll be constantly looking over your shoulder.

Original poster

Nelliephant · 10/05/2017 14:39

sandy we do live in the same area, and my OH actually drove past the OM the other day and he said how sick it made him feel to see him. This is what has got me worrying that if they saw each other again words might be exchanged and the OM might tell him it was more than he thinks. I know that the right thing to do would be tell him the truth but when the shoes on the other foot it's really hard. I can't imagine sitting him down and breaking his heart again!

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 10/05/2017 15:24

How did you get through all the counselling without coming clean? That is a really shaky foundation, because as every infidelity thread on here shows, the lying hurts even more than the cheating. Hurts both of you, as you're already finding - even when he doesn't know and things are getting better, you can't feel at ease. And if he does find out, the trust is gone. But at least if you're honest there's a chance at rebuilding. If not, then you're living with 'what if' forever and he does find out, can he forgive you for keeping up the facade? I think I'd stick with the counselling and use that to come clean in a hopefully constructive way. Rip the plaster off, so to speak. I realise how hard it must be, but as you say, you do know what the right thing to do is.

SandyY2K · 10/05/2017 15:58

sandy we do live in the same area, and my OH actually drove past the OM the other day

Aaahh that changes things a bit then. It's too close to home for my liking personally.

The sheer anxiety of when the truth comes out could cause me to have a breakdown.

So was the OM known to your OH before this happened?

If not why did you tell him who it was?

Is there any proof that it happened more than once? Like texts or emails you exchanged with the OM? Or pictures?

I can imagine how difficult it is to say, so maybe you need to write it to him.

If this relationship is likely to be long term and perhaps lead to marriage, it's better to have the truth out.

Not to sound callous, but if he decides he has to end the relationship, at least you know now and can move on with a clear conscience for your next relationship.

You can then accept it as a consequence and learn from the experience, instead of investing more time in the relationship and sitting on a potential ticking time bomb.

SorrelSoup · 10/05/2017 16:29

It does change things that they actually bump into each other. Do you think he will actually get over the little that he does know? I think my stress levels would be too high concealing this.

tabbykitt · 10/05/2017 22:55

For G's sake - forget about it. Once, thrice, no difference. It happened, you told him. Put it out of your mind. He won't find out and anyhow it's nothing to find out - you've told him the main big thing, which is that it happened. How many times is irrelevant. Because we are talking under 10 times. Not 156. So it isn't any more of a deal that it already is by having happened at all.

Forget it. You haven't been bad in not telling him - you've told him - this is a small and irrelevant detail. Forget it.

Ellisandra · 10/05/2017 23:01

I think he's more likely to trust you again if you're honest.
I would tell him, explain that you didn't tell him the whole truth because you were scared of losing him, but you need to tell him now because you want him to be able to trust you.
Not because someone might one day tell him.
But because you're lying to him still.
I'm not the first cheated on person on MN to say - the lies are worse than the cheating.

Justbreathing · 10/05/2017 23:10

I guess it depends if you had sex 3 times or continuously for months??
I told a lie like that once, though not in the same circumstance. He knew I lied deep down. It completely destroyed us.
I fessed up eventually, but the damage was well and truly done.
I sort of understand why you did it though.
Anyway the lie is in your heart, it is entirely in you wether you can keep it there or not.
I couldn't/didn't

Justbreathing · 10/05/2017 23:14

Sorry misread it was only a month. Does he know it was a month??
If so he probably knows it was more than once

Cricrichan · 11/05/2017 00:17

I think you should tell him. Your anxiety is affecting your relationship because you feel deceitful and are worried about him finding out.

He may not be able to cope or forgive it but you'll be able to move on.

user1486956786 · 11/05/2017 00:24

Tell him if you think it will help your anxiety but be prepared for the worse.

Personally I wouldn't tell him, considering you have told him the most important part that you have sex with someone else. The how many times isn't necessary.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 11/05/2017 06:56

I honestly couldn't leave my future in the hands of another person. Constantly wondering if I piss that person off, or if that person has a bad day they could tear my life apart with one sentence.

Why bother going through with therapy if you are continuing lying? Flip you and your husband in this situation, would you want too know the full truth? I know certainly would. You are basically not letting him have a say in this shit situation you started.

Secrets always will be revealed. I've seen this happen first hand with my mother. My father caught her out in what he believed was her second affair, only it wasnt. It was her 3rd and my mother during the row took great pleasure in letting him know it was her 3rd.

noego · 11/05/2017 09:53

Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say.

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