Dear old friend being a bit of a dick these days

[flowerpress]

I am married and in my early 40's. I have been close friends with a man who is not my husband since my university days. When we first met I think he liked me but I wasn't single then when I was single he was with someone etc so nothing ever happened between us and by the time we both met our partners we had both totally moved on and were just friends iyswim?

Now we both have busy lives but still arrange to meet up once a month or so, we also socialise as couples and I even hang out with his wife just me and her at times (love her).

Just over the past few years I feel like my friendship with this man has got a bit odd. I feel like when we meet just us two that he wants me just to listen to him speak and laugh at anything he says. I am supposed to think everything he does is amazing and cultured. He has told me he thinks he is more intelligent that nearly everyone he knows even though he failed his degree and has quite a low level job which suits him because it allows him to read more.

I happened to tell him I made my husband shepards pie for his birthday meal as its his favorite dish, he said oh yuck sounds like school dinners! I felt quite hurt that he'd be so thoughtlessly mean like that. It was practically the only word I'd been able to get in edgewise and he sort of slapped me down.

He tries to act like he is above petty concerns about status but he is very aspirational in his own way only wearing certain brands of clothes and wanting to be friends with the right people. I think what he would have really loved to be is a East End London hipster but he was just a bit late to the party and already had a wife and kid before he could fully embrace the lifestyle.

Sometimes in conversation I'll talk about sometihing and he will literally say "I'm not interested in that so talk about something else why don't you" he just shuts me down.

I don't know what to make of it, he used to be such a sweet guy, like super lovely but hes changed so much. I don't know what to make of it. Its such a long standing friendship I don't like to just let him go and I also sometimes think that he might not be very happy in his life (which is mad cause he has a lovely wife and child) and all the bluster is to make up for that. Again I think he feels he missed out on being a young person on the London hipster scene and I think it bothers him that he has a low paid job while all his other uni friends are doctors or academics or developers.

I just wish he would stop being such a dick and be nice again! Is it worth holding out for him to change is this just his MLC and will he see the light again soon?

If he a friend of such long standing, you're going to need to just talk to him, explain how he makes you feel and go from there.

He does sound quite mean but we've only got a snapshot and I'm sure that there's more to him than mentioned here. But I wouldn't stand for this and if I had been friends with someone this long, I know I would be able to be blunt and say 'stop it'.

Probably easier said than done but perhaps the wake up he needs to stop acting like a dick?

Thanks for replying, I guess the thing is its not consistant sometimes he is better than others, perhaps he is just turning into a grumpy old man! Sometimes I wonder if it is because I am in someways more assertive and less likely to just let him away with stuff than I used to be and that both annoys him and makes me less tolerant to his behaviour.

I don't know I keep swinging between thinking I an being too sensitive and on the other hand wondering why if he finds me so inferior he keeps on seeing me at all.

^ this. He's a long standing friend and needs to be told when he's being a rude dick.

Perhaps he is trying to compensate for what he perceives as a change in the balance of your relationship? How are you and DH getting along career wise?

Perhaps thats the case his wife is very successful and makes a lot more money and him or myself. I run my own business and my husband has a good professional job so we do well but its not our main focus, not anything we talk about. Perhaps he feels emasculated by his wife being the breadwinner?

There does feel to be something going on, for example he is mean to me, acts like I'm lucky for him to even bother with me but then if at a party I am talking to someone else especially another man he gets all possessive and tries to get my attention sometimes kind of desperately. I feel like he feels a bit like i should just be his admirer and number 1 fan but things change as you get older I'd do anything for him but at the same time I'd expect him to feel secure enough without having to run me down or need me to bolster up his ego!

He sounds insecure. He feels like he hasn't done as well as he think he should so has to big himself up in any way he thinks he can.

I will have a heart to heart with him and tell him that you think he's fab but that you think he's become a bit of a prick recently. Tell him that he's got nothing to be insecure about and that to just be his lovely self. But say it in a way that you know he'll receive well.

I think you are right that he is insecure, he used to drink a lot and that was what he used to boost his self esteem and confidence but he's had to cut back in recent years and without it I think he feels he won't be cool and people won't like him. He is on some level still the shy self conscious boy I met at uni and he really did believe people wouldn't like him if he wasn't drunk and partying. To a certain extent that is true we all have party and going out mates in our 20's who we don't stay close to once we settle down, such is life but I think he takes it to heart.

I wonder if it is also about male ego and I guess how the power balance shifts between men and women as they get older. I had a mentor early in my career he is about 10 years older than me and I really looked up to him professionally and I will admit I had a crush on him at this time I was like one of his favorite people and he revelled in my admiration of him. However as I got older, more successful, stopped worshiping the ground he walked on and began to feel more like an equal to him he also got the hump with me. Thats different because we were not so close but still I wonder if its just that men dislike it if they feel aren't just ego stroking them all the time?

I dont think its that, I think its just your basic uncomplicated lack of social skills. Maybe theyve become more apparent to you, maybe youve just drifted and have much less in common but you're both meeting out of obligation to not let the other down. I had a friend like this, she became so self absorbed and frankly rude that I stopped contacting her to meet up. I see her now and again sociably but the fact is despite knowing her for over 30'years now we actually really dont have much of a friend 'spark' .

I've had this kind of thing with a couple of male friends and I can't work out why they've gone from being sweet, lovely people to arseholes. I think part of it is how I've changed over the years- I've gone from reserved and weak to outgoing and confident. When I first knew these guys they kind of looked after me and were my protectors I guess. Since I've become more confident they've changed and seem like they're trying to put me down at times to try and get the power shift back to how it used to be. Both of the guys had a thing for me years ago but like you it never really happened and never would now, and I feel like in some ways they're trying to punish me for being happy in my marriage and successful in my career, where as they aren't happy or contented in their relationships/careers. They're always boasting about their lives and what they have but neither seem happy. I would say that some men do seem to become less tolerant as they get older- my Bil is dreadful for not listening to conversations and changing the subject to something he wants to talk about. I see this with a lot of older male relatives as well. I'm sure women do it too as they get older but I've mainly noticed it in the men.

I don't know whether it's worth persevering in your friendship with this guy. It's common to grow apart from people over time and maybe you should be thinking about calling time on this relationship if it's so one-sided.

Thank you for replying. I think it would be a bit soon to just stop being friends with him just yet but I suppose I need to bear in mind that its possible that we are just growing apart.

I see what you mean about people being less tolerant as they get older I actually see this in my Mum quite a bit, only able to talk about herself.

I guess relationships, friendships are fraught with all sorts of obvious and less obvious conflicts and dynamics. In my youth I used to think it was simplier being friends with men but as I get older I actually think the opposite now. The only male friend I have who I think isn't like that has been in freudian analysis twice a week for over a decade. He's great and able to connect almost like a woman!

Sounds like a MLC. He's evaluating his life to date and feeling like he is coming up short when he compares and despairs. It's making him bitter and he's taking it out on a dear old friend, which isn't at all fair.

You say he used to drink heavily. I read somewhere that alcoholics' emotional development gets frozen at the time they began their addiction. Of course, addiction affects performance too, so their careers and studies often don't develop as they should either. Now that he's stopped all that, he may be looking around and thinking, "What the hell happened to my life?!"

If you still value his friendship enough, you could tentatively try a few convos around "roads not taken" and midlife taking stock. If he doesn't respond well and carries on with the nasty remarks either bite back hard or start distancing yourself from this friendship.

I hope this man has the sense not to lose you as a friend as you sound caring and sensitive. Sounds like he's wasted a lot of his potential, so I hope he has the sense not to throw away a good friend too.

I really wouldn't want to spend precious evenings with someone like that. Does he treat his wife like that or just you?

Sounds like that Avril Levigne song, 'complicated'. Just saying

It seems like he feels like a total loser and resents his own underachievement. So he tries to delude himself otherwise. He's a dick but a sad little dick.

I had this! A few years ago.

I got really annoyed midway through a couple of pints and just said "stop being a c''t" and it really snapped him out of what at that point had been a 12 month state of weirdness.

It was fixed.

I'm not advocating it for every situation now and I dearly wish I could say this to my so called best lady friend but I can't

Agree with hilda ^ and the others who say he is insecure and unhappy with how his life turned out, and that's what's making him obnoxious.

I feel that even if you tell him though, that he will not believe it, and will continue to be a twat.

I think this friendship may be past its sell by date. But you have nothing to lose by telling him how you feel....... Private message/email. Putting it in writing will be easier than trying to tell him face to face.

Can you give him a wide bearth for a couple of months? A break from him might help you see if the friendship really is something you want in your life.

If not, next time he says something insulting or tries to ahut you down, bring him up on it and have a bigger picture conversation about the trend of him doing this and ask him what's goinb on. You can ask him to cut it out too as it is making the time you spend with him unpleasant.

It does sound to me like he's massively insecure.

These replies are all very serious. He's a friend, can't you just take the p** out of him?

He sounds exhausting OP. I had friendships like that with a few men/boys early on (university/early twenties). All bar a couple turned a bit awkward when I stopped giggling at everything they said. To be honest I give male friendships a wide berth now.

To be honest the way you're belittling him and his life on here sounds like you have very little respect for him & describing your interactions together it seems that the feeling is mutual.

Do yourself and him a favour and end the friendship now. You both look down your noses at eachothers lives and would be much better off seeking friends elsewhere.

No advice, but on the bright side, at least you didn't 'get it together' and marry him!

Does he speak to his wife this way?

I would be tempted to wait until he says something really objectionable then just have it out with him.

Say 'really? Are you saying that, because that's a horrible thing to say! What the hell is going on with you, you used to be so encouraging of me'

Tell him. If he is such a good friend you'll be able to tell him he's being a dick. If he doesn't like being pulled up on his behaviour then maybe you need to move on.