Son calling daughters dad "dad" spending time with him etc

[Siana1990]

Hi. So its my first time posting here and I just want some advice/opinions. Personally, I didn't see the issue with allowing my son to meet my daughters dad but my sister has expressed her views which where not supportive. I don't know if shes just over reacting or I am doing something wrong.

I have two children who are 3 and 1. My eldest (my son) me and his father where together since school. The relationship was abusive both mentally and psychically and resulted in me being hospitalised several times. When I found out I was pregnant, I moved back to my parents and left him for good and he moved 150 miles away. He knows about my son but has never met him. He has wished him dead (among other vile things) and I am no longer in contact with him and do not plan to be ever again.

Me and my daughters dad where in a brief relationship which didn't go anywhere as he moved countries for work. However, since our daughter has been born he has been nothing but an amazing father who is besotted with her. He lives in a different country but every day off he gets he will come down or she will go up and stay with him for a week or so. Our daughter has lung disease due to prematurity and is on continuous oxygen. He supports us with enough money that means I didn't have to go back to work nor rely on benefits so I can care for her full-time. We aren't together, we have just been fortunate to really get on and be good friends.

He comes down to the UK every Sunday and we do something together on the Monday, as my daughter doesn't see him as often as she would if he lived in the UK, we agreed its important we do stuff together so she feels more comfortable with him as shes very attached to me. So we will go to the park for a few hours or a zoo etc.

Usually my son would stay with my mum but for about 5 weeks I have been bringing him as her dad said it would be good. He plays a lot with my son, they hold hands, go off together etc and my son is very fond of him.

Recently my son has started to call him dad and refers to him as dad to family and friends etc "me and my dad went to the park etc" I correct him always but he hears my daughter call him dad. I have told him that he calls him dad and he doesn't have a problem with it, he just thinks its sweet. I would never lie to my son about his father (my daughters dad is black and my son is white so its apparent he is not his father anyway) I am flying with my daughter to his to stay for a few days this weekend and he has suggested I bring my son along with me to stay.

So your son doesn't want to feel excluded- and you chose a bad father for him - and your DS has a good father. It's only natural that he should want a father figure in his life and becomes attached to the father of his sister. He knows that he has a different father - but wants to feel included and his attachment is important to him. If your DS father is ok with it - then far more harm will come from excluding him than from including him. Where is the harm?

It sounds like DD dad is a good and kind man. I think it would be hurtful to ds to exclude him from the family arrangement you have with him. Especially as ds will never have a relationship with his father, it doesn't seem fair to exclude him from having a step father relationship with this man. It will also lead to a closer sibling bond, rather than one where there would likely be resentment if ds is actively excluded from being around DD dad.
At some point probably worth talking to the dad about the relationship he is building with ds, to make sure he realises that it will be am important role to be a kind of step father to ds and he is willing to take that on..

So, I disagree with your sister.

Also, just to say that the race difference may make it clear to adults that the man is not ds dad, young children are oblivious to skin colour being inherited so it won't be obvious to ds. But it sounds like you are explaining the situation to him so he knows and you can answer questions which arise as and when in a factual and age appropriate way.

Sounds like you have had a rocky Road, hope things continue to look up for you and your family.

Nothing wrong with it. He's 3. He probably has no concept of race yet - all he sees is his sister's amazing dad and he wants him too. Take him on holiday. Let him into your family time. It would be crueller to leave him out of this - why should he suffer because his birth father was a cunt?

Nothing wrong with it at all if the dad is comfortable and he won't change his feelings later in life. I don't think you need to correct him every time anymore but definitely give him gentle reminders / chats about it from time to time that he does have two dads. As he gets older he will understand it all better. Your daughters dad sounds like a lovely man. Xxx

he's 3 totally normal that he call him by what he hears others calling him.
example I call my dh by his first name and the little ones called him that as well 70% of the time, they knew we were their mom and dad but somehow first names blurted out more often than not.
this man seems to be a fine example of a father figure :)

It's really no different from him being a step dad! It's just that you aren't together. My older children are still very involved with their step dad even though we aren't together now.

I think it is lovely xx

I wouldn't correct him. I'd allow anything there to grow naturally and steer it's own course. If your Ex can accept him calling him Dad that would be kind of lovely. Make him feel closer to his sister too. As in effect, only one man is in both their lives, only one that matters.

I think the relationship sounds lovely & totally fine to take him on visits etc. I personally wouldn't allow him to call him dad and would reinforce his first name. Just because although DD's dad sounds lovely, he has no responsibility to continue the relationship and I wouldn't want him to get hurt or upset if DD's dad shows favouritism (which he will at some point, quite reasonably),

I think it sounds lovely too. Your son has a kind father figure and your DD's father seems happy to play that role. He is likely to be around for the long haul (no complicated or messy break up potential since you are not a couple) so it can only be a positive thing, surely? When your DS is a bit older and questions the differences, you can sensitively explain the situation, but I don't see why it should be a problem.

It's only a problem because someone wants to make it one. After all said and done the word Dad is only a label. The influence this man has on your son is more important and hopefully it is a positive one.

I think it's lovely if both son and 'dad' are comfortable with it.
I wouldn't 'encourage' it-i would use his name when speaking about him to your son but neither would i overtly correct him.

Don't correct him. DD's dad is behaving like a father to him. Tell your sister to piss off.

How refreshing to hear about a man being so open and actually embracing his responsibilities!

Almost seems a shame that you're not 'together'! .....

What a lovely man your daughter's dad sounds.

Family is about the relationships people have and nurture. Not dna.

Let your son have a positive male role model. It would be cruel to tell him DD's dad cannot be his dad.

Tell your sister to butt out.

It sounds like your daughter's dad is a good man and if he is comfortable with your little boy calling him dad and you are, there is no harm in it.

It is lovely, but he is going to realise that this is not his father one day and it might hit him a bit hard.

You need to create a story so that he can work out things gradually - a photo album with you and your parents, with him and you when he was born, then photos when DP came along and his DSis, etc to talk around, ask questions. 3yr olds love pictures of what they were like when they were babies. Dad can look and talk to him about it too.

Nothing should come as a surprise.

Your daughter's dad sounds lovely. What a star. Definitely take your DS with you on the trip. Your exDP offered so if it makes DS happy, and means all three of you get to be together visiting, then I'd suggest take him up on it.

At 3 dad just means important man in my life who takes care of me to a child, just like mum means important woman who takes care of me.

As a childminder I'm often called mummy glen by children, often to their parents. Obviously in my situation I correct them in yours I see no need to as long as all parties are happy.

One of my friends is a very good 'dad' to the son of an ex girlfriend. They split up before she fell pregnant by someone else but he was a good father figure and became dad to the boy and remains that to this day, 16 years later, never being more than friends with the mum. Not saying that's how it could or should go for you, but just saying your sister's ideas may be too rigid. Families can come in all forms and as long as there is kindness and care and the kids are put first then you don't need to exclude ds because of some expectation or convention that really isn't relevant to you.

He sounds lovely. I would keep reinforcing the fact that he isn't biologically your son's dad (but that sometimes, people step into that role later and a child can choose to call them 'Dad') so it doesn't come as a shock to your son later on.

I think he just wants a dad and he wants to be included. He is too little to understand why he doesn't have a dad who comes and does cool stuff with him but his sister does. If your daughters dad is good with it I'd let it fly, but I do understand the issue, it would make me uneasy too.

Your daughters father sounds like a lovely man.