Partner - am mid 40s - have child. Feel like I can never start again.

[AlphabetSoup3]

Depressed! I've been left by my partner, been together 8 years and have a disabled child aged 3. I feel like I am now completely stuffed and can never start again.

He has given very vague reasons for the break up and a couple of times I've tried to speak to him about it but he just won't budge. He says he's 'tired of being an asshole' which he thinks he is to me. He blames it on us not being compatible.

He basically got cross with me because he was giving our child lots of treats but we needed to improve his diet. I asked him to stop and he said 'I didn't understand that he loved our son and wanted to be nice to him' and broke up with me. Later he said it was other reasons. I wanted him to get a divorce but he said he was advised not to until all his kids were out of full time education (5 years time, he has two previous kids).

I feel like that's it for me. I have no family or friends around so it's difficult to go out. I'm mid forties and the thought of doing the tinder/pub/dating circuit whilst I'm juggling a child with needs - I'm basically worn out already. Can't face it. I just wanted a family!

Sorry you're having a crappy time of it. It does sound like your partner is a bit flaky, can't even have an honest talk about how he feels and tried to blame it on not being allowed to give treats against your wishes. His excuse about not getting divorced sounds a bit woolly too - why does it make any difference - is it to save him paying maintenance?

Concentrate on you and your DS for now. Finding a new relationship can wait. Once your DS is school age things will become a lot more flexible and you can find work and hobbies to fit in with that, where you will meet friends and potential partners.

Thanks feedme

Im sorry op but your post screams of him having an affair.

What happened when he left his last wife?

You need to take control and get that divorce.

Of course you can meet someone else - are there no 50 year old men out there?! I find that's the trick - look upwards - would an older man be on tinder etc! Not a decent one - you'll just need to know where to look.

And he can 'babysit' your son so you can go out...!

Try to look at it this way: if he had died you'd a have found a way to start again, right? Well he's not dead, but you still have the same ability to start again. You just have to give yourself a bit of time for things to stop rocking and your world to right itself again.

I don't understand exactly what he means by not getting a divorce, but I have a really strong feeling that it has to do with thinking he can get out of paying maintenance, and possibly not having to buy out or sell and divide a family home.

You need to see a solicitor right away.

So he won't divorce his wife - mother of the eldest kids ? has he gone back to her ?

Oh apologies op I didn't understand your post.

He had a legal separation with his wife where he bought her a house, and overpaid her maintenance while his earnings were high (we had one child full time, the other most of the week, so in effect we were the main resident carers of both but paid maintenance to her for some reason - probably because she didn't work) - but when his earnings greatly reduced he cut it down. A solicitor said a divorce court wouldn't care and only care about payments in the past and that even though because he remortgaged the house to the hilt to buy her a house, leaving him with very little left over every month, that we would face financial ruin.

I am worried about my own stability financially. We wanted to marry to give me that security. However as it stands, I am not on the deeds to this house.

Also, when he left his wife, he quickly went into a relationship with a woman from work. I've met her and I'm sure they weren't having an affair before he left, she's very moral kind of person. However they did have a friendship, he has at least 3 close female friends at work. I think they do give him that listening ear that can be a bit of a stepping stone.

He spun you a tale about his divorce/separation. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Do you work? Have you any financial independence?

Ps I'm not sure what a 'legal separation' is?!

Oh, I see. He's still married to someone else.

As it stands you have no legal rights other than child maintenance. Are you still in the house?

You still need to see a solicitor.

I think that's bollocks about the divorce tbh. And I think he's also spinning you a line about his reasons for leaving.

But op you will be ok. I promise

I'm really sorry - but he sounds like a player. You need to get legal advice.
Sounds like his wife kicked him out for cheating.

Wow, he really did a number on you. He never wanted to marry you, getting divorced would have forced his hand and now he gets to walk away minimising his financial liability.

There probably is an OW somewhere in the background but right now, you need to focus on getting your finances in order because legally you can't expect anymore than child maintenance.

Oh OP how awful for you like others have said he sounds very flakey and vague about things. If he is a similar age then it just looks like he is not prepared to face any confrontation or to grow up and take responibility so he bails.

I know it will be hard now but without the dead weight it will be better.

Thanks. I do feel like the only one who isn't / can't bail out. Yet gutted as I am that he is leaving, I'm beginning to feel real anger that I haven't got some security especially where I'm to live. I've worked all my life and paid into this house too. Yet I had to give it up for our child.

Oh alphabet - why did you pay into a house you had no rights over?

You desperately need to see a solicitor. It might be you can make a claim to some of it

Hes truly shafted you over - you need to get angry with him.

I agree with sunshine. you need to get angry, and get legal advice.