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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband getting lazy

16 replies

nickname7890 · 09/05/2017 21:23

We have a 6 month old, our first, and it has been really difficult as she had terrible reflux and I got PND. My husband and I have not been together long, it has been a wonderful whirlwind romance and he was always falling over his feet to do things for me / plan things / be there for me etc. We went out a lot with his friends, enjoyed dinners and drinks out.
But then I got pregnant and it was a bit different as I couldnt go out, and a lot of his friends who I dont know really well he would go out with (men, not girls thank god!) and get really really drunk. It calmed down towards the end of the pregnancy. Now since my daughter was about 2 months old, he is always desperate to go out. We dont have loads of spare cash, but he doesn't care he just wants to go out every weekend with friends. We always have to have people over, he has to plan days / nights out with friends. Any time we get a sitter its just so we can go out. Its not that he doesnt want me there, but i dont have the energy to party like this any more.
I have this horrible constant feeling I am not enough. A night in with me and my child is not satisfying, or he does it to tick the box so he can go out again.
I feel i have lost all leverage - I try so hard for our marriage, cook for him every evening, do all the finances, bills, housework, buy him little presents, pack surprises in his work bag. and I dont get anything back. HE doesnt even seem interested in sex... we only had sex 6 times since the baby.
Please help with advice - is the relationship over?! I dont know what to do.
I read the book "why men love b*&ches" when I was singlle, and i do believe you need mystery and to always remain a slight challenge in a sense. But I haven't any energy to put make up on and go out... my weekly pilates class is as much as I can do - that and baby classes!!

OP posts:

User14346741 · 10/05/2017 06:42

Have you spoken to him about this?

Was your baby planned? It sounds a bit like ypur relationship got quite serious quite quickly.

I think if it was me I'd sit my husband down and explain how I'm feeling. Definitely sounds like he wants to have the "no responsibility" life while you do all the childcare and that's not fair.

When you say he's out every weekend, do you also get equal time to yourself? (I'm guessing not!)

Anyway you need to talk to him let him know his behaviours not acceptable for a parent and things are going to change, think beforehand what is it you actually want from him specifically and let him know.

If after this he still doesnt really care about what you've said then I'd say the relationship is probably not going to last but hopefully he will take on board your feelings!

Original poster

nickname7890 · 10/05/2017 07:11

Thank you! When my PND was bad, he stepped up and he did take the baby at night, do night jobs. HE even encourages me to go off myself and have a day out etc. But never arranges something for us. Its always a "token" arrangement, and I feel panicked about how to use the time best. Its the same with days when we are together - I am so desperate to make it "as fun" as days he has with his friends.

We hav e had 2 back to back weekends where Friday and Saturday we had people over. It involved cooking, cleaning, chatting, entertaining, and I had a few drinks to keep up with my husband. I was completely shattered afterwards and he did do the night feed on the sunday night (i basically insisted given he had imposed the weekend on me!) but then I said on sunday night we cant do weekends like this all the time, it is important that we hang out togehter as a family
He just looked so miserable and disappointed. And has planned for the next wekeend to go out all dya and night saturday. but to ensure he doesnt get any guilt trip about not being there as a father, he offers to look after the baby friday night and sunday.

its just spending time together is not his priority...

thank you for your response. I know i should speak to him, its just i feel that i cant change what he really really wants, and that is to be able to go out. But really my only option is to speak to him, you are right!

OP posts:

twattymctwatterson · 10/05/2017 10:23

Although him going out so much when you have such a young baby isn't great, I'm concerned that you seem to think a marriage is about "having leverage" and you feel you should be playing games to keep your husband interested. It's also concerning that you are thankful he wasn't out getting drunk with girls (do you mean women?) because that indicates you don't trust that he'd be faithful should an opportunity arise. Marriage should be a partnership where you are both on an equal footing. I also think you are possibly expecting a bit too much when you have a very young baby. Talk to him honestly about how you feel - tell him you are too tired for all of this socialising and you need him to physically be there more. It sounds a bit like he expects life to go on like before- if he can't accept that it won't then your "whirlwind" romance might not be able to withstand having kids

twattymctwatterson · 10/05/2017 10:24

Oh and btw, you had a baby 8 weeks ago. Having sex 6 times since she was born is well above average

Hermonie2016 · 10/05/2017 11:02

How old are you both? It sounds like he is an extrovert and needs people around whereas you 're understandable wanting quieter times.

It could be that you and him have different assumptions about family life..he's sees a baby fitting into his life not him fitting around family life.

I think you need to talk, really try to avoid blame and come at this from different expectations..You expected life to change (and women do tend to have the significant change due to pregnancy and birth) and he didn't.
Ultimately it's about making each other happy..ca be happy finding a compromise ?
Will you be ok with a compromise?

I suspect peer group is playing a factor here, does his friends have family as well?

misscph1973 · 10/05/2017 11:13

I think your husband is probably quite young? Or perhaps not very mature? It's hard to let go of your previous lifestyle when you become parents, and of course no one should sacrifice everything. But you do have a child to look after - both of you.

I think you want to be a family where your husband enjoys being a father, but I get the impression that you feel guilty because you want him to be more of a family man?

I think you should try to talk to him. Chances are he has no idea how you are feeling. Also he is obviously having trouble adjusting to his new role. He might just need some guidance from you. Men can be a bit thick ;)

user3459859083590890 · 10/05/2017 11:18

How whirlwind was your relationship, exactly? I'm afraid that you may have made a commitment during the honeymoon period and now this could be the real him. How old are you both?

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2017 11:21

twattymctwatterson Her opening line is that she has a 6 month old baby. Where do you get 8 weeks from?

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2017 11:23

I think the problem is that you didn't know him well when you made the huge decision to have a baby together. He sounds like a nice guy but one who loves to socialise and didn't envisage himself staying at home with a baby and a wife who didn't want to go out. He does sound young. It's not that what he wants is bad, it's just that once you have a baby it doesn't tie in with that way of life.

Was the baby unplanned? Had he given much thought to what it would be like to have a baby in the house?

BitOutOfPractice · 10/05/2017 11:34

I don't think he's getting lazy. I think this is who he is. You just didn't know him well enough before you married and had a child. The birth of your dc has just highlighted it I'm afraid

Atenco · 10/05/2017 12:23

Reading your post reminds me of when I had a six-month-old baby. Only I was a single mother so I couldn't spontaneously just up and go out to a party. It is a hard adjustment to make for both of you.

Did he help with all the cleaning etc needed to prepare for his friends coming round? Do you have friends outside his social group?

Original poster

nickname7890 · 10/05/2017 21:46

Thank you all for your responses

We are 32, and we were together just about 1 and a half years before the baby came along. A big part of the problem is his peer group that is so true.

His best friend is a big drinker and as my husband doesn't really have a family, his best friend has always been his "family" and he is visibly miserable if he doesn't see him for a big night out.

With housework he doesn't really do much on a daily basis, but he does do a big batch of cleaning if I push him to do it. its just I am fed up of dragging him through this - fed up of basically giving him curfews, telling him what he cant do, that we need to discuss finances and baby care options when i go back to work! I miss being the fun one, and sometimes i think of course he doesnt want to hang out with me, i am so boring! but someone has to do all this and its never him!

you are all right - i cant keep complaining and not try discussing with him again! thank you for listening.

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 10/05/2017 22:21

At 32 he's probadly who he will be.I assumed he would be 10 years younger....family may just be a lower priority.You mention a lack of family, did he have a father role model?

All you can do is see if you can get a compromise to have some balance but ultimately you may need to prepare to separate.

LadyLapsang · 10/05/2017 22:53

It seems like you didn't know each other very well before you made the big decision to have a child together - you were only dating for nine months before you became pregnant. In lots of ways he sounds like he has stepped up to the plate - covering nights etc. He does, however, sound like he wants to spend a lot of time with friends. Maybe this is just how he is. What was the reason you couldn't go out when you were pregnant?

Original poster

nickname7890 · 11/05/2017 07:45

Thank you all for your kind insight. I really did think we knew each other - we had so many mutual friends and were together so often. I acknowledge we need to communicate, i just need to find the right time to do so. Many thanks for all your help :) x

OP posts:

misscph1973 · 11/05/2017 10:32

He sounds like my SIL's ex. All he wanted was to be down the pub. My SIL got fed up with his priorities and left him. He hasn't seen his DD for 6 years, he simply doesn't bother, he's still down the pub.

I'm not saying that your DP is exactly like that, and that he can't change. But it should not be your job to be the person who tells him he can't go out - you're not his mum! He needs to make his own decisions, and some of them will have consequences, as he is in a relationship and has a child.

So do find a good time to talk to him. But you can't and shouldn't make him make the "right" decisions. You have to work out if whatever decision he makes can work for you. He might very well understand where you are coming from if you explain it to him. He might also need some time to adjust.

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