Need a wee shake or some advice!

[kodakakak]

Hi,

Apologies in advance for any drip feeding. And length. I've nc and venturing into this post nervously.

My dh and I disagree about the amount he goes away on lads weekends and drinking.

We have a 4 year old ds and I recently had a mc. We'd like to have another child. We are 40 so no idea how easy that will be.

I had lots of health issues following the birth of ds, the collective symptoms being quite cfs like though separate chronic treatable illnesses plus hypermobility syndrome. They can flare a bit and make me struggle with fatigue which does affect my mood.

When ds was young there were some bad arguments about how I mothered - he wasn't as patient over sleep and felt confused about extended bf. Our son had countless illnesses so the bf wasn't really planned and sleep frequently affected by the illness.

When I was very ill I had to be off work and getting through the day was a real struggle physically. I was going through various diagnosis's (sp?) too.

My husband is extremely sociable and loves his friends. He's very successful in his field, and some of this is down to his friendliness. It got really hard to frequently be left looking after a baby then toddler while very weak while he went away on weekends with mates. I blew my top a few times reaching peak something or other. It didn't help but he did say he was trying to cut back. The birthdays have been frequent this last couple of years though.

I couldn't go away when I was ill. Now I can but I don't always have the time amongst his trips, joint trips, visitors and me needing to work at the weekend or rest sometimes.

There's been 3 lads hols since Jan so far this year, 6 or 7 last year. It doesn't seem much written down but It feels a lot, adding in big nights out when at home. So usually 2 out of 4 weekends taken up with hang over or going away.

Is this the norm these days? AIBU? Or do I have a slight reason to get a bit pissed off? I'm not jealous, I could theoretically go away (though often work at the wkend) but it does / did (did hugely) affect me physically to be left to solo parent with no relatives around to help. So I get more knackered while he has fun.

Apart from anything I feel weekends are needed for us to bond as a family. He's a night owl too so stays up late. He also often has to work very late. He's doing so well in his career, I get that (I know it's tough for him) but I feel in top of all that we've dealt with I don't know how to fix this. He wasn't hugely supportive when I was poorly, borderline abusive, but I did a lot of looking at that and he was just being really naive and stupid. We've had counselling and he apologised for that.

I know I'm unreasonable when I loose my rag about him going away (often when he comes back for some reason - answers in post card about that welcome!) but I still don't feel unreasonable for feeling miffed.

Sorry for the length; I'm shit at conciseness.

I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL. I would be livid. A very occasional trip would be fine, but the amount your husband goes out with his friends is over the top. You have a child now, and he needs to grow up. He belongs at home with his family.

Well to compare my DH goes away once or twice a year at most for a men's holiday. He does sometimes do dinners etc, and sometimes they involve overnight stays, but no more than another 4 nights a year I'd guess. At various times he has spent a lot of time away with work, but at the most 1 week a month Monday to Friday, at least when our DC were small.

On top of this he would cut back on travel if really needed (he once had to rearrange flights as he'd arranged them for during a birthday party). I also paid for babysitters no questions asked, so I could continue my social life even if he was away. I do also go to some of the dinners etc. He has also at times taken leave to cover when I was away.

If you rarely see him you won't get pregnant.
He also sounds as though he drinks too much. And as if he hasn't accepted responsibility, not caring for you when I'll etc.

Thanks. That's what I think. But I can account for the 3 this year - all 40ths though one friend he saw twice as had recently come back from over seas and lives a good 6 hours away.

mummytime I sometimes feel that regarding responsibilities. Other times I feel less so as he is very on the ball with money and planning our future.

It's more that it's draining to be in my own with a small person. Less so I must say.

He's agreed the drinking is too much (finally). Again, it's all often very accountable. E.g. Awards ceremonies where they've done very well. Though I've pointed out a sober person e.g. A pregnant woman would accept an award sober.

I know it's been hard living with me though. I wasn't always very nice either due to the bloody arguments.

The analogy I'm trying now is that his cup gets filled up while mine is drained extra dry, I need at least a half cup to fill up my son's cup. (If that makes sense?)

He's been showing me declined invites recently.

I really can't stop him going away; I really am not like that, but I simply don't know how to understand my feelings when he does not how to explain or communicate it.

No, it's not "the norm"

Thanks AF.

I do think the 40th thing has thrown a spanner in in that they're all having big dos away and in that they're all feeling mid life crisis y.

He's many people's best mate.

At least I fucking hope so which was my explosion last night. Is it always going to be like this???

YANBU kodak. His social life would be ok, if he was a single man. He isn't. Can you agree ground rules for what would be an acceptable no of weekends away/nights out, when you are both feeling calm? And, most important of all, I would attempt a contract of your 'time out'/chosen activity. Like you've said, it's all for him at the moment

My DH is a bit similar, but now that he has gone freelance I can see just how important these social events are. He is always in the loop and is always in demand in his field.

Rather than running yourself ragged get some paid childcare on the weekends he is away. It'll make a huge difference. You can use it to have nights out yourself, time to catch up with work etc, or even just a bit of me time to get some exercise or simply recharge. Don't be a martyr as you'll end up seething with resentment. I may have done the martyr thing and properly seethed

When my friendship group all turned 40, we went off gallivanting as.... a group of friends

My husband goes away one week a year on a work thing that's immovable and he has no choice over and I grumble about that- and that's his job. To say I think you're tolerant is putting it mildly. Fuck that!! He needs to be at home so you can rest sometimes too. Deeply unfair.

toomany I think that's already happened in the past. It was really hard - I don't think I could have coped with someone seeing how I was to get child care at times. But I did find extra child care in the week to allow me to do some of my work load then rather than at wkends.

The freelance thing - yes that seems to be a big factor. Plus, he went freelance when we got married and it took off basically when our son was born so I think without us realising that's been a factor/ issue.

It does seem to be a thing locally and amongst our friendship groups. A close friend said to me earlier "I think that's how it is these days" (she does seem to think I'm unreasonable but she's just got out of an abusive marriage and I suppose me demanding he stops going away as much seems too close to that). But other friends with 3 kids commented that they don't know how I do it. They're close friends if his and did tell me they think he drinks too much.

He is very good at trying to accommodate my free time as much as possible - I went to a class before I was recently pregnant and he often hared back. He wants me to go away; for me this is missing the point. He took a day off work to accommodate my workload at a heavy work load time after going away at the wkend last year.

I think some of this is emotionally historical, when ds was younger, I was ill and unable to travel (my hips were/ are bad) let alone do much, and his going away or going out seemed a total life time away/ apart.

He said around a year or more ago he didn't want the hangovers, he wanted time with his son etc. And things did change a bit as much as it was possible with invites coming in. But I still don't feel it's right. I sometimes feel this way of being is really flamboyant.

The thing is, as he tried to carry on this 'old' life, he couldn't cope with the sleepless nights (which were many with my ultra clingy son) so there were arguments there.