Please can I have some advice.

[Reachingout1]

Hi all. The first time I've posted on anything like this before but feel like I need some advice / guidance. Warning - long read!

So, I've been with my oh now for 9 years. We met when I was 16 and he was 23. For me it was a cool thing by being with someone older and in no way did I think we'd be together still today.
I didn't have the best relationship with my mum and my dad decided to move abroad so naturally I attached myself to the closest person to me - which was him. He taught me how to cook, how to do so many things.
I knew he wasn't the best person to have as he had a temper but I was too scared to be lonely.
Fast forward a few years and a daughter who is 2 and I'm ready to leave. He's mentally controlling in a very clever way.
He's smashed things, he's threatend things he has never hit me but has came close on a few occasions.
He doesn't want anymore children ( nor do I with him ) he doesn't want to get married. He doesn't want to go abroad. He's just happy doing things day to day and being grumpy.
On the weekend I went out and had some attention from a particular guy, at first it wasn't anything other than a nice friendly chat. The guy went on to say he fancied me and if our circumstances was different we'd be great together. I have never cheated on my oh and never would but after that I couldn't stop thinking about this guy, he got in contact with me the day after and we got chatting for about 10 mins then got chatting a few days after - lucky he lives 5 hours away from me and has blocked me off all social media to resist temptation so he says and so his gf doesn't find out , ha Prince Charming hey but I'm feeling awful that i wanted to talk to another man in a flirtatious kind of way.
It has made me aware that I'm ready to end things with my oh but what scares me the most is him taking my daughter away from me. She literally is my absolute world. I know I'd have to be understanding when it comes to him wanting to see her which is fine but I'm telling myself he'll take her away from me when I'm not there etc. I now am not myself for the last eeek which he has noticed and has asked me what's up, which I replied to saying I was fine because I'm too scared!
I'm scared of so many things. Me and my mum don't have the best of relationship. My dad still lives abroad and my friends are great but only 1 of them knows what's going on but feel like I'm depending on her too much.
Please give any advice you may have. Thank you for reading x

Hello sweetheart.
Well, leaving is certainly the right thing to do I'd say. He's controlling, how can you love him?
Regarding your daughter, he won't be able to take her away. If you allow him contact, on his own which will be better to keep YOU safe....and he fail to return her, to punish you and get you back, then you ring the police. They will do a welfare check and if she is fine, they won't bring her back to you... BUT in the morning, you go to court and make an emergency application for a hearing, and he will be asked to attend and guess what then? Very managed contact for him on an ongoing basis.... and he'll only try it once my dear before the courts stop him, or arrange supervised access until he can be trusted.

So that's that bit.

When you do leave, I think a complete change is needed. You mustn't answer the phone to him and you mustn't let him in your home. You don't have to speak to him every day and it doesn't matter what he says. Remember that he will insist but he's lying. If you give into him it will just carry on. If he won't stop, then go to your local children's center and get a family support worker to contact him and discuss boundaries and what is acceptable.

Regarding the friends and your parents.....well it sounds to me like you're ready to spread your wings....early twenties, that's about right xxx so, go it alone. Make new friends.

And DO meet a lovely new single man, who lives closer....your life awaits you my dear and you're going to be wonderful xxxx

Call Women's Aid and talk to them. He has a temper, he's abusive to you and it sounds like he could easily tip over that edge - so you need to be extra careful. They can give you lots of practical advice.

He's noticed something's wrong so you might want to plan for an outburst - can you get your passport, financial documents and vital things into an "escape" bag, including stuff for your daughter, and be ready to literally leave if you have to?

Thank you for your message. The last bit made me smile.
I really think we'd get along well being separated but that all depends on how he takes it. He can be quite unpredictable!

Thank you alonsypot. I have never called women's aid before.
I'm also worried that if he notices our passports are gone he'd think I was taking dd away from him?

I really think we'd get along well being separated

In a dream world where everything works out lovely - yes this would happen - but in this world where we all live - this is extremely unlikely.

He's a controlling man - you are already scared of him - look out for increased levels of rage as soon as he gets a whiff of you leaving - you might not even have any idea just how bad he can get - he's already noticed you are not the same downtrodden person - because your mind is focused on something other than what he wants.

Please contact womens aid - don't tell him you are thinking of leaving.

Amazing advice up there from something - well done for having the courage to admit this. Good luck - a much better future awaits you and your daughter

Even if he wasn't controlling and threatening, choosing a mate at 16 is very young and likely that you'll outgrow him by the time you're an adult.

You're still so very young with your whole life ahead of you. Leave, build your career or study and enjoy dating and your new life.

You're so young op and have your life ahead of you , plus a beautiful DD.

it's good you've realised this man is no good and don't waste anymore time, when I broke up with DDS dad it was hard, but after a few years I now have an amazing job and a lovely partner 😊

Good luck !

Thank you all so much for replying. It is nice to have some advice.
I'm feeling a little bit Happier knowing that this isn't me ' forever ' I just need a way out. When that will be I don't know.
He's been nicer to me the last week and said because of my mood he feels like he's tip toeing around me. 😂 Like he's ever done that!!