Losing resolve - knock sense into me please! (figuratively, of course)

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

I've posted a bit before, long story short - H's year+ long affair (emotional, prob physical too), awkward immigration situation affecting potential custody of DS. we've just passed two year mark of when i initially found out.

Some days i lose sight of the endgame. i'm waiting for a green card so i don't have to worry about immigration and custody issues, but it's dragging on, probably will for another year. in the meantime life has to go on, and i have to be careful so i don't jeopardize my situation.

he can tell things aren't going well (he'd have to be a complete idiot not to realize), but at this point i can't say straight out we're done because of those pesky immigration/custody issues i'm not willing to risk.

i watched a ted video about narcissism and that rung quite a bell for me. the selfishness, and lack of self -reflection. any time he tries to discuss topics of a serious nature, it's always couched in "what do YOU think", "what do YOU want", so that he can later say well it wasn't up to him, or it's what he thought i wanted, etc etc. which is part of why we can't reconcile - he couldn't reflect enough on what he'd done to even be able to say, "my actions were premeditated, and all this BS about not knowing why i did it is exactly that, BS."

Thanks for reading. Just writing this helps my resolve to stick it out til i've got what i need.

oh darling. That is so tough

Talking of flowers: flourish where you're planted. It sounds unimaginably hard to have to endure this unendurable situ - but you could see it as research, and flourish.

Astonishing what life dishes out sometimes. To hear most people these days you'd think we're entirely in control of everything that happens to us. Hollow laugh.

I'm your fan. Keep going wonderwoman

all the time home alone sometimes helps me reflect. The Ted video really helped too - it was about narcissism.

it comes down to three "self" words: selfishness, self-control (lack of), self-reflection (lack of). the more i remember these all apply to him, the easier it is to hold on for the end goal. his inability to admit that many of the problems now are due to his selfish decisions and lack of self-control.

not sure about flourishing here unfortunately... i'm in one of the reddest states possible, and i'm not white or american. just another year of my life to get through i hope.

Hang on a minute, you're alive. That's pretty spectacular when you think of the alternative.

Girl, you're focusing on him and all his many and onerous dysfunctions. Yy easy to do. But meanwhile your life, so precious, it's trickling through your fingers. You're letting it.

You absolutely can flourish where you're planted - but if you keep putting it off, saying wah it's so unfair, you're missing the gold. I repeat: you're alive! Amazing, such a privilege.

You can see? Hear? Walk? You have a child. You're living in a democracy (in theory lol). Clean water comes out of your tap. You have a great number of blessing, you need to focus on them, not him.

This isn't cheesy bullshit. This stuff comes into its own when we are severely up against it. What have you got to lose?

Do an alphabet gratitude list. Every day. Focus on the amazing blessings you have right now - so many. Or focus on your troubles and let your life, these precious years, trickle away. Your choice, lovely

(if you won't do it for you, do it for your boy)