He wanted separation, but now refuse to talk about childcare and legal stuff!!!

[alembec]

Hi, just wondering if anyone can give me some perspective.

Ex left Sep 16 after 10 years, we have a now nearly 2yr old. There was an emotional affair which probably continues to today. We tried counselling January - April but it turned out he was lying about the OW throughout (I saw his phone bill - there were hundreds and hundreds of text still to her, up til late April)

BTW, just a sense check here, as all his lies are making me crazy - no one normal texts their PA 20-30 times a day right? First thing in the morning, last thing at night, when taking care of your son? Only time they don't is when they are together having dinners or drinks, it looks like... This is dodgy right?

Anyway I'm done. Not feeling too bad about it because I've really had enough of his abuse and lies and wouldn't want him back anyone. I'm excited about a house move coming up and a new life.

However, now he refuses to communicate with me about our son, his nursery (we might have to change due to house move), refuses to use solicitors to sort of separation (we aren't married but there is quite a bit of financial complexity inc. shared house and high net worth child support), doesn't answer my emails until days later and after I've asked several times, and then only to disparage what I said without offering a way forward, doesn't answer my phone calls for hours and hours (I'm only calling to arrange meetings to discuss child stuff).

He continues to see the joint counsellor (only a couple of weeks in) alone which is hopefully useful - she saw right through him and really stood up for me and stood up to him.

What do I do? I want to get the legal stuff started but he says if I do then I'm not acting amicably. This is bullshit right?

How much should I engage?

FWIW he takes son one morning a weekend and currently pops in to say help 4 mornings a week (will stop with house move, and prob change to a couple of hours on weekday evening). Claims he loves son... but isn't happy about paying an extra penny above what is a currently a large amount (but small relative to earnings)

Thanks for any thoughts or advice.

He's getting it all his way isn't he? You need to see a lawyer, find out what you are entitled to and start proceedings if necessary. He is not going to do anything without pressure at this point.

How is the money given? Informally or CMS?

Informally at the moment, it is beyond the CMS limit (he's a v. high earner). I believe I should get more through legal channel but the fees might be astronomical - at least 10k but possibly 100k. I was about the sign the solicitor docs but I really balked at this cost. It is just about affordable for me but it is all my savings, and I still have my future to think about, and with a little one too...

But yeah, I think it will have to be lawyers right?

Because ultimately you can mediate or reason with a man who is untrustoworthy and unreasonable...

Sorting it between yourselves rather than through solicitors is amicable.

It's best for everyone to discuss expectations sooner rather than later. Children will feel more secure if a contact routine is in place and you both can move on if maintenance etc is sorted.

Zombie, I agree with you, and I said to him that if he wants no solicitors then he'd have to be honest and open and proactive.

He won't answer any of my emails with action points to discuss matters relating to our son, refuses the times I offer to schedule a discussion, without offering an alternative.

Most importantly he refuses full financial disclosure - I think he's scared of showing me his credit card and bank account statements as it will show how much money he has spent on the OW (which he continues to lie about to friends and family).

This isn't enough basis for an amicable split?

I genuinely do wish him all the best, and happiness, whoever he wants to spend time and money with. but why doesn't he want to crack on with the split?? He left us!!!

Sounds like he wants to keep you dangling. Stop contacting him about about anything. Just get on with your own stuff snd make him do the work.

You can't negotiate with him if he's not being open and honest about his finances and he's not responding to your attempts to try and resolve things informally.

I'd start legal proceedings.

Start the legal stuff.

You won't get a full financial disclosure as you are not divorcing.

You do need to reach an agreement over child support. Also the schedule of contact. If your DC will be mainly living with you, then I think it's right that you make the decisions about nurseries etc (after giving him fair opportunity to comment). But you might need a specific order compelling him to pay private school fees (if it is likely that is the sector you will choose) and do think if you should also set principles for undergraduate student finance.

If you are moving house, is this into a property you are financing yourself?

You probably can't afford to do without legal advice, but do consult more than one firm for estimate of fees.

You cannot have an amicable split. He has shown that.

What you can have is a split where you roll over and do what he wants or a split where you get a solicitor and get what you are entitled to.

He may not want to use a solicitor. That doesn't stop you using one.

You are doing this for your DC. Make sure you do the best you can.

You have tried so from now on you need to disengage.

Email him the information about your son you think he needs and that is all.

Don't email him scheduling things. Don't discuss childcare or anything. Make your plans and stick to them. If you don't expect him to be there on x, y or z date he can't refuse to engage about it or let you or your DC down.

Leave it for him to come back to you on any of that.

Why do you think you are entitled to financial disclosure or anything other than the CMS upper limit? I'm afraid if you weren't married to him you will simply waste money on lawyers- he's probably not responding to you because he knows he doesn't have to. anything you get above the cms calculation will be down to his generosity I'm afraid. Morally crap but legally correct.

It could be one of two things, the reality of separation has hit and he adjusting to it, head in sand or he doesn't like you calling the shots, he will view it as controlling and he doesn't need to answer you.

The upper limit applies but I thought you had to go via court to get a figure, which would ask for disclosure on both sides.

He will move on when he's ready not for you so legally you may have to push forwards. Can't see why it would cost 100k as that would be very costly and I assume it's only child maintenance..are the other assets legally resolved?

I'm sorry but if you're not married you are unlikely to achieve much beyond your legal share in x y z plus CMS maintenance.

I would focus on the key things like selling property etc.

Sorry it really sucks doesn't it

Thanks guys, yes it sucks. 10 years together. Practically married in friends eyes, he proposed while I was pregnant and I said let's wait and see, the baby (and house renovation) is enough to deal with...

Fact is he's absolitely loaded, and I didn't think I needed to marry him for the security, and I really am not into the money.

So the legal costs are so high because it basically is a millionaire having a shag in the broom cupboard and getting caught out for life sort of case (schedule 1), except of course our child was conceived in love with a view of further siblings and a stable home.

If that goes to court then 6 figure court/legal fees are very likely. And financial disclosure would be part of the initial process.

Thank you for your support. I do know that I'm in a hell of a lot better situation than many, but the pain, heartache, shittiness for our child/ren, the tears, they are all the same.

One day, if I can time wise and money wise, I will campaign or at least donate to helping mothers left this situation to have better support, and for these shitty men to have to do more than the bloody minimum.

I've been on these boards for a few months now and the strength of many, and the dire inhumanness of others, astound me.

Hermione, your two options are really interesting, and probably the right one, though which one, or both, I don't know...