Sorry, this is going to be long. I’m 25, been living with DP since I left home at 18. Things have not been easy since the start of our relationship, mainly because of my MH issues (my father died when I was 17 after a long degenerative disease, still not over it, I’ve suffered depression, possibly bipolar, can’t afford months of counselling)..
We argue mainly over house chores. As an adult (he’s 27) I expect him to take full responsibility of his own home like I do, I want him to bear in mind everything a house needs (cleaning, shopping, bills, etc), I don’t want to have to remind him how often the sheets need changing, or when to clean the loo. I’ve tried different approaches (sticking notes reminding him in a nice way to do these things, planning a rota, writing a daily chore schedule and to do list, etc). I’ve tried splitting responsibilities (bills, cooking, shopping), but he does nothing efficiently (it’s been 2 weeks since he had to pay the gas bill).
Nothing changes, I end up nagging all day (reminding him of things like cleaning the kitchen counter whenever he uses it, not leaving lights on when he’s not in a room, not walking barefoot with the same socks he’s going to sleep in in our clean bed -please tell me if I’m unreasonable about these). Sometimes he agrees and says he’ll try harder, sometimes he rolls his eyes and I get angry, etc. Sometimes he tells me (and deep inside this is what he really thinks) that I get fixated/obsessed on these things because of my MH issues. Maybe there’s a bit of truth in it, I need perspective.
I’m tired and sad. We love each other so much. We laugh together, we cuddle, we talk. But at the same time I’m tired of our daily life. He says it’s mundane stuff and that it shouldn’t affect us (we never argue over big things such as money, moving houses/country, etc). I know it’s tiring to have someone nagging you all day (I tell him I’m also tired of nagging!!), but I will never stop expecting my partner to be equal to me in responsibilities. I feel it’s disrespectful. He says he doesn’t do it because he expects me to do it, it’s just that “he forgets”. I know he doesn’t have the same cleaning standards as me, I don’t expect him to spend hours, I’ve even told him I’m happy with him just remembering that something needs doing and I’ll happily do it, iyswim.
Another thing I’ve been “fixated on” lately is, and I’m ashamed to say this, his teeth. He has had very bad tartar since I’ve met him. First year I didn’t really noticed, I guess I was love blind. Since our second year together I’ve brought it up nicely, then not so nicely, I’ve explained to him why it’s off-putting, I’ve rejected sex, I’ve suggested he comes to dentist appointments with me (he’s never been to the dentist since he was a teenager, he’s now 27). He is gorgeous, blond, blue eyes, this is his only flaw I find off-putting, and I’m so sad because it’s affecting our sex life as I find it’s so disrespectful after so many years. We’ve had sex 3 times in the past 6 months.
All these problems are taking a toll, I’m bored and exhausted, I would feel so stupid ending our otherwise beautiful relationship (despite everything and after 7 years I sometimes still get the butterflies when he looks at me with his blue eyes). He’s my rock, always there for me, he’s supported me through depression, panic attacks, anxiety, OCD flare ups, etc, we’ve moved housed 4 times, moved to another country, supported each other through 5 years of uni. But all these daily problems are taking a toll, I’m bored and exhausted.
Something anecdotal happened last week. We are currently living in a tiny rural village. I’m happy here, I can rest and feel calm. We both wanted to move here, although it was mainly because of his job, as I don’t really have a professional objective and I’m just wandering along (but that’s a whole different thread). Last week there was a festival, all the village was involved and we helped the artists (bring them water, talk to them, etc). I felt a subtle spark with one of them, we didn’t really talk much as everybody was busy, just the way we looked at each other, he said he would gift me one of his paintings (worth thousands) for taking care of him (I helped every other artist the same way, just like everybody else in the organisation).
When the festival ended he was the last one to leave, I couldn’t stop crying. I had to rush home. I’ve told DP I was crying because everything was back to quiet normal life and I would miss the festival, which is true in a way, but it’s also because I’m confused. I feel sad, I don’t know if I’m longing for another life or if I will be able to fix these issues with my DP.
Sorry this is so long, I hope someone made it to the end. I need some perspective from other women, wiser women, older or younger women, I don’t know, I just need to talk.