I feel like my family don't care about me

[owltrousers]

Hi all!

I'm 30 and my sister is 24. I moved out when I was 18 (to a city about 100 miles away, so not SUPER far) and went to uni. I've never felt particularly close to my parents, I went to art school and have always been what they call 'whimsical' and I have a slightly posher voice than them due to peers and schools I went to. My sister speaks the same way as my parents and she still lives at home and has always been very close to them. Her and her fiance live at the end of my parents garden in an outbuilding and 8 months ago they had a baby boy who my parents absolutely dote on.

My parents are both good working class people who live for their camping holidays and getting away at a weekend - however they never ever visit me. I live in Bristol and they live in East Anglia - so its quite a distance but not impossible. The last 2 times my husband and I have visited them we've had to spend all day on trains and buses and fork out £70 each for the fares as we don't drive, even then they only begrudgingly pick us up from the train station if we ask. They have 2 cars and both drive and yet somehow we are meant to agree that the journey is harder for them.

My mum and dad never call me, I always call them and even then we hardly have anything to say to each other - there are plenty of awkward silences. If it was left to them we wouldn't speak for months.

When I ask them to visit they say they've used all their holiday from work or they will see if they can tie it into another trip to somewhere near by. They never just come to see me - to see me.

Now I am 5 weeks pregnant and want to tell them at 10 weeks so I've suggested a weekend to go visit them but now my dad is saying he has to work and can't get out of it. It just feels like the final nail in the coffin of them making 0 effort for me. I hate to think what its going to be like when we have the baby... I wonder if it will change anything.

Just feeling really down in the dumps about this.

That's a shame but maybe you should consider withdrawing from them as well if you feel like there's not a connection

Do you think it's worth writing to them to explain how you feel?
My dad never calls me but when I call him we do at least have a good chat.

You need to stop expecting anything from them, then you won't be disappointed. I know it is tough, but you can not force them to be interested.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Have I missed something,What's the relevance to how you and your family talk?

The more you chase after them the further they will pull away. I would withdraw, don't tell them about the baby at all. Let them find out when it's born from the neighbours. That will either shock them into wondering why and realising that they need to contribute to building a relationship or they won't care at all, in which case they never will.

Don't waste any more time or energy trying to get their attention. If they want to give you attention they will.

You live a long long long way from family and don't drive . 2 choices you have made .
Invite your folks for at least a week stay . You live far far far to far for weekend visit.

When you phone your parents talk to them about things that interest them .

Mine are exactly the same. It hurts.

It got worse for me when pregnant with them judging everything from afar and no support whatsoever when I had to keep going into hospital.

I suggest that you don't tell them until much further along in the pregnancy, for the sake of your sanity, as once your own bonding with your child inside occurs, the hurtfulness of it hits like a train.

Congratulations. Just get on with your own life.

Thanks for your replies.

@user1471456357 its note hugely relevant, I always wonder if they see me as different to them, less fun and outgoing perhaps.. idk.

and @Twitchingdog That is true, but these people are my parents - surely as a parent you have a duty to make effort for your kids like forever? Not just forget about them if they move away. I invite them literally every month but like I said they won't come unless they can tie it into something else they already have planned.

I agree that you shouldn't tell them about the pregnancy yet. They clearly don't care - what does it matter if they know at 10 weeks or 6 months? Just focus on you and don't let it get to you.

It sounds to me like they could be quite emotionally detached people. For whatever reason. They probably struggle to "get you", however lovely you are .

I don't agree with other posters that you should keep your pregnancy secret from them. But tell them in your own time.

Don't expect things to change. But they might. You never know about the future. Just keep things friendly and accept their emotional distance is really all you can do for now. But things can change sometimes. You have a DP, so I would say enjoy your pregnancy and if you plan a visit and tell them the happy news, its really up to them how they deal with it. Give them time. Meanwhile focus on your own life and happiness.

And of course, Congratulations!

@CloseTheWindow Thank you, I think that's good advice.

Maybe you were a changeling? A fairy child placed into your family? That may be why you are whimsical and talk differently to them .

I am only half-joking. I know that feeling of always feeling on the outside and it being hard work to be part of the family when it should all come naturally.

I have a long story about that. It would be its own thread, I think.

I used to travel 500 miles during long weekends to try and visit my Dad but he was always too busy working to give me any time when I got there. My siblings and mother emigrated years ago and never came back to visit. I had to go to them.

I went through a terrible trauma. Well, a couple actually, and no-one was ever there for me. Always felt I am going it alone in life iyswim.

I've got used to it now I'm much older. My family are dysfunctional and couldn't help me anyway, I've realised. Maybe it's better this way.

I'd just be glad they aren't interfering or over-involved as that could also be a nightmare. Just concentrate on making good friends. The beauty of friends is you can pick and choose who is right for you. Families are very hit and miss, I think.

Back off from trying too much in future, as that's a sure-fire way of getting hurt repeatedly.

*500 miles each way even.

Please listen to my experience about pregnancy hormones and how much uncaring parents can affect you at this most special and vulnerable time of your life.

Before you tell them anything, YOU need to decide whether you want them there at the birth or how soon they can visit you when you get home. And be prepared for them to make excuses and blame you for them not bothering their backsides OR go into full control mode over "their grandchild".

It is a given that they visit you when pregnant and after delivery on your terms, not theirs. If they try to make excuses, you know all you need to know.

Read the book toxic parents by Susan forward. I guarantee you will find them in there.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Its not you, its them.

It is NOT your fault they are like this, you did not make them this way.
It is not your fault they are so uninvolved and uninterested in you. You do not need to keep seeking their approval any more, not that they would readily give you this anyway.

Unfortunately this dynamic you are writing about likely goes back many years also to your childhood. Was your sister more favoured by your parents back then too?. Given the set up at their house they all seem very enmeshed with each other.

Distance here both mental and physical is not a bad thing. I would stop visiting them as well as they even make a begrudging effort to pick you both up from the station. Such people would not care if you did or did not visit them anyway. My guess too is that they rarely if ever make plans to visit Bristol anyway. I am wondering if you are regarded as their scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

I would not readily inform them about your pregnancy as they will likely show as much disinterest in your child as they do now in your life.

I would treat them like acquaintances and no more. So tell them you're pregnant after 12 weeks or whenever you're ready. It might be worth mentioning that you would have liked to do this in person, but work 'got in the way', and they are more than welcome to come and visit whenever they are free. Leave the ball in their court.

I can imagine it's rubbish because your sister obviously gets a lot more time and contact with them. However, you've got to put yourself first and they don't seem to want to make you feel good about yourself. As someone who lives far away from family, I know it can be lonely, but pregnancy is a challenging time for your body so you should try and minimise your causes of stress. Having said that, I don't know whether leaving the ball in their court will minimise the stress - depends what kind of personality you are!

In the meantime, get yourself on some parenting classes/NCT/antenatal yoga to keep yourself busy and prepare for the next exciting stage in your life. Congratulations!

I am really tempted to do as you've all suggested and just distance myself and leave the ball in their court.

The problem is, I am quite close to my sister (who lives with them) and we speak every week on the phone. Part of the reason for wanting to visit them is so I can visit her and her baby - who I want to know me well. I hate the idea of being some distance aunt he never gets to see.

My parents are loving, caring people who want to spend time with me. I've lived 60 miles away for the last 12 years and it was always me getting trains to see them not them driving to see me (although they were happy to collect me from the station, unlike yours, though always with a little grumble about which train I was on). Because it was 'much nicer' and 'less hassle'. In the end it's simply that they associate family time with being there, at the family home.

(I now have a car which helps a lot!)

Sorry if that's a pointless or irrelevant story. I suppose I'm just trying to say it doesn't have to mean they don't care.

Firstly Congrats on your pregnancy hope it goes wel

As with so many things raised on mumsnet reason for their behaviour and what your response should be are potentially wide

Perhaps they feel you have become above or different to them having moved away? Perhaps they are more home bodies and feel uncomfortable in the world you now live in? Perhaps they simply favour your younger sister and will not ever go to the same level of effort for you

About the travel - again some people are like this and I think you just have to accept this and scale down the level of effort and expense you go to for them. Truthfully some people are takers not givers my SIL being one - and sadly she is very much encouraged in this by MIL - but it may just simply be a more a habit on their part that may change when baby comes along

I think that maybe they just don't think. My parents live 10 miles away. Neither of them have been to my house in the 2 years I've lived here since the day they helped me move. I visit them every week. It's just the way it is. They naturally spend more time with my DB because he has DC who they dote on. I don't take it personally. If I didn't visit for maybe 3 weeks they might get round to ringing to check I was ok. Your parents probably know how you are through your sister. If they're like mine they won't feel the need to be in constant touch and assume you'll be in touch as and when. Do you think maybe this is just the way things have always been and with you now being pregnant that's affecting how you feel about it? Your DC won't spend as much time with them if you live away but once you have the baby I bet you'll find they make all sorts of excuses to visit you. Maybe you're being over sensitive as you believe in some way they should 'know' you have special news. Just a different perspective and I'm in no way trying to minimise your feelings. And massive congratulations

What does your sister think/say about it?

What kind of parents were they when you and your sister were children?

Following on from what user said up thread about the way you and they talk, which you dismissed as nothing. Maybe it isn't nothing...

I have thought further about your post, owl. I may be totally wrong-but just guessing. There may be a dynamic going on for which you might be unconscious, unintentional. Yet, it may still be there, and your parents react to it none-the-less. I do not want you to feel that I am blaming you, but if you could objectively consider the possibility of this dynamic, it may help lead to a change that you are looking for.

It reads that your parents do not like you. Ouch. Or you moved out 12 years ago, when your sister was 12. So your parents may have fallen into a habit of treating her as an only child. Or Attila may be right and your family role was that of scapegoat-now out of sight, out of mind.

"Part of the reason for wanting to visit them is so I can visit her and her baby - who I want to know me well. "

This kind of strikes a chord with me. In the nicest possible way, it may just be phrased oddly but then again it may hint at your possible attitude of self-importance. Being university educated, artsy and "whimsical" would not excuse this.

This is subtle in your posting, but the way they talk points to it; the point that they are working class points to it; that they live for their weekends is a little dig; that your unmarried sister and fiance and baby live in an outbuilding (rather than saying it is a cottage or housed on the property, for example) is also a bit of a dig (as well as implied adult child still at home).

The awkward silences on the phone may be a defense mechanism against more digs.

they only begrudgingly pick us up from the train station if we ask
I don't think they would know to pick you up if you didn't ask though; they can not read your mind (do you give them notice, or just call and say "we're here-could you come now"?). Just a different point of view.

Having the built in rule/boundary to tie in a visit with some other event is a "kill two birds with one stone" put down towards you. It diminishes you and I know that stings (my sister did this to me all the time). But why would they do that? Is it similar to the awkward silences on the phone-less contact is less chance of subtle digs from you?

Your expectation of parental involvement and support for life is a bit precious, especially since you have proven that you are independent. You may possibly revise that perspective when you have your own. Perhaps they viewed your moving away as a judgement towards them? So their behavior is a kind of a consequence of that (payback isn't quite the right word)?

If any of this may be true, then you could try to change the way you treat them and talk to them about it (that being your behavior, not theirs). I know it takes courage and honesty to consider your own behavior. Now, with your pregnancy, and rocking prenatal vitamins , you may find you have a new clarity of thought to consider this perspective. To get your parents involved- it might take a Mea Culpa (whether sincere or not) to get their attention.

If I am way out in left field here, I apologize. I hope that you can emotionally disconnect from them, if necessary, to protect your own mental health from the recurring disappointments. With the birth of your child, you may experience a psychological changing of the guard so to speak that may come with an epiphany of "what were you thinking?" You won't need your parents. You will need/could use some help, sure, but it doesn't have to be from your parents.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

So sorry you are feeling this way, I would urge you to talk to them or write them a letter/email and explain how you feel. It could be they don't even realise that you feel thist way.

I had a close relationship with my parents but they seldom were ever in my house, I would go to them. They didn't phone unless it was to ask me something, which again was seldom, I called them. My MIL was only ever in my house once in 15yrs and didn't call me once and we had a lovely relationship, I visited her regularly.

I have a close relationship with my kids but seldom go to their houses, they come to me, same with the phone calls.

I've never felt that my parents didn't care for me and would be devastated if my kids felt I didn't care for them because of it.

You say they begrudgingly collect you from the train station, what do they say to you when you ask?

Stop going to see them and see what they do. If they bring it up, just calmly say that you felt it was one sided, all the travelling you were doing. Just be honest.