I think I know what you'll say...

[SuperStar50]

Husband and I have separated after 23 years, the last few we drifted apart with lack of emotional and physical intimacy which became a vicious circle for both, he started talking to a woman half my age about his problems, emotional affair, he's obsessed with her, he and I are still good friends, three teenage kids, blah blah. My self-esteem totally vanished the last half-year but despite my working my guts out to repair the marriage, him being in love with her (he's now realising he won't ever have her) meant it would never work and it was only when after 6 months I said 'Me or her' that he left. I am finding it very hard to let him go, partly cos I am now 50 with 3 teenagers, no money, very little job prospects. I know all that about self-respect, am seeing friends, have taken up bee-keeping and belly-dancing which I've always wanted to do, am working on passing driving test etc, doing all I can. But still like him, want him to be happy and want to support him (he has no money and looks like he'll be living in a van soon). And am still wondering if we can make it work - I've always believed love will find a way. You're going to say give it time, fish in the sea, who knows what may happen. Some encouragement please ladies? XXX

As you said me or her and he left then that should tell you everything you need to know about him. Leave him to it and let him live in a van. Try to have as little contact as possible with him.

Also carry on with your classes; try some online dating and maybe try Meet Up too.

He loves someone else. Surely you would be better off without him than him returning for the reason that he will be living out of a van otherwise? I can't see that having a happy outcome.

He loves another so your theory is buggered really.
Your life isn't so over at 50 you need to chuck all your self respect away and have him back op. .
If it would make you feel better buy him a fleece blanket for his van.

You really did learn a lot of crap about relationships when growing up didn't you; all this love will find a way nonsense that is in your head. That ship has long since sailed.

Where are your boundaries with regards to this man now; you should only talk to him about the children and the hopefully impending divorce. You are not his friend nor should you be seen as such, he will take you for a complete mug otherwise. He is certainly not your friend.

You're doing stuff physically but what about the mental work?. That needs addressing too, it cannot be ignored by you.

I would suggest you read the ChumpLady website as that could help you no end. You made many mistakes that many women before you made; you tried to repair and or carry the relationship on your own and you did the pick me dance to boot. Those actions too have also served to put your self worth through the floor.

I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency within relationships because even now you are trying to put his needs above yours. Examine your own reasons carefully through a counsellor to unpick all this further. Show your children positive lessons about relationships. Do not date at all until you have worked on you a lot more because as it is you are very vulnerable. Love your own self for a change; you need time to heal.

AttilaTheMeerkat's word may seem a little hard to swallow, but they are 100% true.

I played along with the cheaters narrative to "remain friends", for me it didn't work, it takes time to grieve the loss of the person you loved and who you thought loved you too. After time though you realise you have to let them go and look after yourself.

The chumplady website is fantastic, I highly recommend it.

Thanks ladies - I think I always knew this but hoped it wasn't true... needed that kick up the arse. Love you all. X