Am I being paranoid?

[Happyfoodie50]

Been with my partner for 8 years, live seperately because we both have kids that are settled. I've started to get quite jealous of attention he gets from other women in his office. Last week we attended a 60 birthday party at his work colleagues house.Everything was fine until a woman from his office came up and started chatting to him, no introduction to me , they then walked away from group to have a private conversation. I tried not to notice too much and mingled. I know there has been redundancies and anxiety in the office and wasn't too bothered but when he came back over to me, after about 40 mins, he seemed abit irked so I asked him jokingly what was the conversation about. He flipped said why did I have to grill him about every conversation he has with another women and then ignored me all the way home. I was driving so he could drink, I didn't stay over as was so annoyed especially after asking an innocent question.. I didn't ask him accusing him of anything but now I'm paranoid it was something more? I'm annoyed he has more loyalty for his work wives than me and now I don't even care what they were discussing but his reaction was weird. Am I being too sensitive? He is a huge flirt at work and all the women like him.. he goes overboard friendly.. brings in cakes, gives lifts , charming but often with me he's moody and am starting to wonder if something's going on?

It doesn't matter whether something is going on or not. You don't trust him, he doesn't introduce you, he walks off, he's rude and snappy and gives you the silent treatment. Things need to improve a lot or there isn't much point in being with him.

I know his behaviour stinks... I didn't mention that he behaved like this on the eve of my birthday so I ended up waking up on my own coz he was so snappy.I feel anyone would have asked especially as he was deep in conversation with her. Apparently it was a work query and she was asking for advice. I didn't accuse him of anything..sometimes he can be lovely but if I ask him anything about his work friends he accuses me of being jealous and paranoid.

In those circumstances I wouldn't have asked my DH what he was talking about, I would have commented that he seemed a little upset and asked why.

I can't imagine my dh asking me what I was talking about with my friends, male or female, so asking him has reinforced you are jealous and needy.

This doesn't mean that you aren't right to have trust issues in the first place (that I won't make a judgement on), just that it's affecting your behaviour and gives him the excuse to see you as crazy jealous girlfriend and dismiss your feelings...or worse.

Life's too short to be treated like that by anyone, expecially someone who is supported to be your partner. The lack of trust isn't good either. I'd either look at doing some serious work on the relationship (of course he has to be 100% committed) or ending it I'm afraid.

It's pretty shitty to leave you alone for 40 mins at his work do. I'd be pissed off about that & may well greet him with a PA comment instead of embarassing both of us by telling him how rude & thoughtless he had been.
If he is always like this then you deserve better.

In one hand his behaviour seems completely unreasonable but just to play devils advocate. Does he have a point OP about you being jealous/accusatory about every female interaction? That could be quite exhausting and irksome.

Just because you didn't accuse him straight away when you asked him what he was talking about doesn't mean you didn't imply that's what you were thinking, then you did jump to that conclusion as soon as you didn't get an answer you liked?

The examples of him being friendly at the office, bringing cakes etc doesn't seem to be cause for any concern in itself so I wonder if he has given you any serious cause to suspect anything?

I suppose the cake comment seems childish but I suppose he never really goes out of his way and do the same for me or if I do make a comment like the one I just mentioned he seems to show loyalty to the other person. Yes I agree asking each time he has a conversation is annoying but I dont do that but felt going off for 40 mins talking privately should be acknowledged as ended up talking to people I didn't know but also didn't expect to stand with him all evening. I try not to be needy or jealous but he seems to bring it out in me. Another example , his mobile went off and he didn't answer, his landline then went so eventually he answered. I didn't say anything. Went into another room , came off the phone and didn't say who it was or make a reference. I know it was a woman and it wasn't about work and her name was heather, but that's all I know. Just feel if I came off the phone I would say that was so and so. Just think he's secretive and it's odd behaviour. As I said I don't live with him but see him all the time. Sometimes when I want to be on my own he gets annoyed and he can be jealous himself so it's difficult to pull away. I love him lots but gets me down when he covets female attention and is secretive.

If I went to my partner's work party and he disappeared for 40mins I would be fucked off add to this the fact that he treats the women in the office better than you why are you with him? Does he have a gold cock or something that makes it worth putting up with being treated like a doormat?

Above comment, I don't see what's wrong with leaving her for 40 minutes, adults don't need baby sitting. If they have been together 8 years I'm sure she's met the others multiple times and can look after herself.

I think you have a right to feel paranoid but I don't think you have anything to worry about. Perhaps this girl is one of these girls who feels protective or close and doesn't like other women coming in on work family? Not acceptable but it happens!

Perhaps work is that place your partner feels is his escape from his kids etc. My boss can be total prick to girls in our office but you know he's a total pussy at home with his wife!

Made me laugh , thanks .. no but we get on most of the time.. I sometimes keep a lot of stuff unsaid for the reason that I don't want to me a jealous partner so I only really mention stuff that I think anyone would get pissed off with but he never validates my feelings. After reading the comments I probably should have approached it a different way and left it until after the party.

Whether he is or isn't up to anything at the moment it's almost irrelevant as the outcome is the same - you are unhappy.

If you knew for certain he wasn't up to anything dodgy but still treated you the same I'm not sure you'd feel any better?

Has he always been this way? Do you feel like he is deliberately making you paranoid? It's difficult to get a sense of his motives. You don't live together so presumably if you split up it would be fairly straightforward in terms of finances and you don't have children together etc so if he didn't want to be with you, why would he be? I appreciate that is overly simplistic but just exploring different ways to look at it.

Ultimately you deserves happiness, it may or may not be his fault but if he's not making you happy might be time for a big re-think?

Also I like mingling and didn't expect him to stay with me but I noticed he was in a deep conversation , then got really moody and so was intrigued! I don't mind him mixing with other women but I've dropped socialising with male work colleagues coz of HIS jealousy in the past so it annoys me when he's a hypocrite.