please help me sort out my life

[tinytotmummy]

I don't post often, but really don't know where else to turn.
I'm sooo stressed. At the moment, I am organising moving house in a week, whilst at the same time struggling with the fact that I don't really want to go. I'm not sure I love my DH anymore, but feel I ought to give our marriage a fair trial, hence the move. However, I am really struggling trying to find the motivation and energy to try and make it work.
On top of that, I have recently started an affair with DH's best friend, who I have loved for years, but never knew he felt the same until six months ago when he admitted he loved me. I know that when I move I'll have to give him up, but I don't want to and I know that me grieving for him will have a huge negative impact on our fresh start.
I know a lot of you will slate me for having an affair, that's fine, any advice/experiences will be gratefully read and digested.

oh god , poor you - what a mess!
Is there any way you can pull out of the move or delay it?
Are you sleeping with this other man?
i think you need to sort out your feelings for your dh before moving into a new house or carrying on the affair. if you dont love him (your dh)its only fair to end things between you and him before you get in too deep.

Agree with frenchconnection that you need to sort out your feelings for dh before moving house.
You have to decide what or who you really want.
Is your dh's best friend married, does he want to have a future with you or just continue an affair with you ?

No judgement here - we were looking to buy another house, but I could not go through with it because of the problems we had - i could not bear the thought of becoming even more financially embroilled than we already are, even though Im sure DP thought that having a bigger house would somehow magically make things all right again.

No great advice though, weve gone the opposite way and it looks like we're separating now.

Can you talk about how you feel? (The old chestnut, i know) You diont have to mention the affaitr, but you could hint at having feelings elsewhere.

Thanks for your posts

FC, we have slept together once. DH knows how I feel about the whole situation and understands that I am moving only to give our marriage a fighting chance. h eknows we have major problems and he takes responsibility for that. I won't have any support network around me when I move, so it will literally just be him and me. I'm really worried that if it doesn't work, I'll be so isolated.

DH's BF is married. Dh was his best man for their wedding in August. I found out how he felt about me two weeks before the wedding, although nothing happened between us then. We have avoided each other for the last six months until a few weeks ago when we all met up for a weekend. He said he still felt the same and we began emails and texts. He feels the same as me that he ought to stay and give his marriage a fair run, but he doesn't love his wife.

Also factor into the equation that I am 12 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy.

Fubsy, its not costing us anything to move as we are going into a private rental funded by the Navy. In a way, this is good, because I can always keep the house on myself, without having to move again if we decide to seperate.

I have to go out now, but will be back again later this afternoon. Please keep posting. Many thanks

i really really think you should postpone the move - like you said, if it doesnt work out with your dh you have nobody there to lean on and you will feel so isolated.
i have been in this situation (not the affair just the broken down marriage and isolation)and its grim.
Please think about delaying the move! What do you want to happen with you and the new man?

oh sorry didnt know you were pg.. i guess its your dh's? (sorry to ask)
maybe things can work out if you leave the other man behind?

well, i'm trying not to be judgemental here, not very successfully, but your affair man married a woman he doesn't love and started an affair with you within a couple of months of his marriage?

i seriously wouldn't plan any future with him. he's giving you what is lacking from your relationship with your dh, but i don't think he's a good replacement.

i think you should focus on your marriage, stop seeing this guy, and i'm not sure a move is the right thing to do. you need support in a time like this.

sorry, really hope it works out for you.

Warthog, thanks for being so honest. You're right - he has a very poor track record - this is his third marriage. Have just spoken to him and we have agreed that when I move we need to cease contact in order to give our respective marriages a fair run.

FC, we can't postpone - everything is all gone through. Collecting keys on Friday. I'm terrified that I can't put the effort into my marriage that's required because I'm in love with someone else. Its Dh's baby.

I'm sorry to be blunt but I stand by my feelings that you should end your marriage if that's what you intend to do before even thinking about acting on any feelings that you have for anyone else.

You've made a committment to your husband and you say he's taken responsiblity for your marriage problems and wants to try to make things work.

On top of that you have a baby on the way.

In my eyes there is no dilema here.

I agree with what other posters have said about perhaps not moving away right now, and how difficult being isolated will be, but if you've agreed to it and it's too late to change, then what have you got to lose in giving it your best shot?

I also agree that this man does not sound like a good replacement. To go through with his wedding, when he'd admitted he had strong feelings for you, was selfish and weak. If he really felt that strongly about you he should never have got married. There is no excuse, it can be called off right up until the moment you say 'I do'. How could you ever fully trust him??

The other man is giving you what you lack in your marriage, the excitement and variety, with none of the mundane things that we all know come with a long relationship.
But you CAN get everything you need from your husband - if you love him, if you still like him, and if you both really want to try.

Please try to find the strength to cut off all contact with this other man once you move. You owe it to yourself, your family, and your relationship, to find the strength that you lost when you decided to go and sleep with someone else.

I would assume you wouldn't even contemplate going off and sleeping with this man whilst pregnant with your husband's baby anyway? So there really is no point in keeping in touch with him or seeing him.

If you give you marriage everything you've got (and your husband does too), and it doesn't work out. End it and walk away.
Only then should you get back in touch with the other man. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be. But to be honest I think it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

I'd change your e-mail and phone nuber and get him to do the same too. Remove all temptation. Then in any moments of weakness or if you're feeling a bit lonely/fed up, you don't even have the option to contact him.

Find some friends (on MN and in RL) and use them to support you when you need cheering up or need a different perspective.
You definitely don't need this other man! I promise!

[sorry so long - subject close to my heart!]

I havent really got any advice for you, didnt like to read and run though.

I do wish you all the best, maybe a fresh start in a new place is what you and your dh need, away from the temptation of dh bf and i dont think he will be very reliable considering his past behaviour.

Where are you moving too? if you look up netmums.com they have mums in every area and maybe you can meet some so you wont be too lonely, if its anywhere near London give me a buzz, i wish you all the luck xxxx

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Mylittlestar, thank you for being so blunt. You are completely right. I do want to try and make it work with Dh, but like you said, I am missing the strength to do it. I am going to cut off all contact when I move as I can then concentrate on trying to make my marriage work without distraction.

I am terrified that it won't work, and tbh, I don't know how to go about trying to make it work.

You can just take small steps at first. What attracted you to your dh in the first place? What do you enjoy doing together?
What things will make your life feel more fulfilled and happy?

I know it's hard (I am currently rebuilding my own relationship) so I am talking from experience here.

When people suggested that me and dh 'made time for each other', went on dates, did romatic things for each other, little surprises etc I first thought that'll never work and what's the point!

But I can tell you if you want it to - it does work!

The key for me was that somebody said, do you love your dh - yes, but do you like him too? i.e. is being in his company what you want? when the kids grow up and leave home, will you be happy if it's just the two of you again?

And for me, the answer was yes, so it all seems worthwhile.

Don't be scared, he's your dh, there's nothing to be scared about.
Far more scary to leave your relationship for a man you may never be able to trust!

You can always CAT me if you want. I'm scared of boring people to death on here!
But I promise that you really can make it work if it's the right thing to do (only you can decide that bit!)

thank you so much, and it's really comforting to know that you are talking from experience.
I am trying desperatley to remember what it was like before, esp before children. I was really happy, but to be honest, we've never really spent much time together. He's in the navy, and up until DS was six months old, he had never spent more than two - three months at home at a time. For the past three years he has been doing a job he hates, but does it so that he can spend time with the children. He works week on, week off, week on, two weeks off, so spends loads of time at home. Trouble is he does nothing at work, and as a result has become lazy, and lost all motivation to do even the simplest of tasks. It has destroyed us, and at the moment I am trying hard to tolerate him.
He thinks that his new job (hence the move) will make all the difference. He is doing the job that he loves, and it will be regular office hours, so hopefully we can have a somewhat normal family routine. He thinks that him being happy in his job will make all the difference to our relationship.

I'm really hoping that this fresh start will be the start of something new, and not the end of our family.

I'm not sure whether at the moment I can imagine myself growing old with him and being happy after the kids have left. We do have some really good times together when we're on our own, I suppose I'm just conveniently forgetting that at the moment. He doesn't have any interests or many friends, whereas I do and I find it a bit intense as we are his entire world.

New job sounds like a great opportunity and exctly what you both need.

Hopefully he'll get some of that motivation and happiness back and that's surely got to rub off on you home life.

Plus it's an ideal time for him to meet new people and for you both to take the step to create new friendships. It must be pretty intense feeling like you do and that you're his entire world.

But it's so great that you have identified all of this and know what the issues are. At least you have a chance to sort things out if you know what you're trying to sort - iyswim!

Is he easy to talk to? Could you talk about all of this before you go, or early on once you've moved, and explain that you think you both need friends/interests together, but also some that are separate (so that time together is more special).

And can you explain to him what you want from him in general, more attention, some freedom to have separate interests, but also the odd night in/out that's just about you two, doing things you both enjoy and having a laugh together, or him taking the initiative to plan/book things for the two of you...

You sound like you're heading in the right direction

Sorry to be harsh, but it doesn't sound like you're really giving your marriage much of a chance at the moment. Stop seeing this other man now - don't leave it until you move. You've already agreed with your dh that you're going to focus on your marriage so why aren't you doing it now?

And you say that you and the children are your dh's world, and he doesn't have many friends. Yet you're having an affair with his best friend. How can you do this? What do you think it would do to him if he found out?

Either leave him or give up the affair, but make the decision now and not after you've moved.

Littlestar, I can talk to him, but it often washes straight over him. he'll make an effort for about a week, but then it all disappears. He isn't at all open about his feelings and often bottles things up.

Becauseimworthit, I don't mind you being harsh, no need to apologise. I know what I'm doing is beyond awful. If DH ever found out he would be devastated. I am moving a week today and don't plan to see him before then. The truth is, I have always got on much better with his bf than dh - we're much more intellectually compatible. I'm finding it hard to muster enthusiasm to give my marriage a chance because I'm in love with bf and I feel so depressed at having to give him up.

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