I'm weird apparantly

[AristonAndOn]

Having a very unhappy time, dh is ignoring me and says avoiding each other is for the best. We had a nasty argument today. I am apparantly weird, a freak, selfish, fat cow. No sign of upset on his part that I'm very sad about all this. Things he said were in the heat of the argument, but later when I tried to engage there is just coldness and he says again I am weird. There is a history of him saying hurtful things, he always has to be right and I feel so terribly worn out mentally.
We have 2 young dc. I'm not totally sure what I'm trying to achieve posting, but I don't have anyone to talk to and the atmosphere is rotten.

Hand holding, OP. Is he always like this after an argument?

He is a controlling abusive attention seeking prick and the best thing you can do is leave as it won't get better.

What Patricia said

What was the nasty argument about ? 💐

Argument started when I was trying to get him listen to a voicemail, I didn't have much time and he was talking, so I said shhh and began to say that I needed him to listen to voicemail. He contorts his face and shouts for me to shut my mouth. I tell him not to talk to me like that, then all the other stuff comes out of his mouth. If I ever go against him the argument escalates, so I don't often do. He eventually disappeared for a couple of hours, then came in and stayed upstairs. I tried to talk and say how hurt I am, but he has no interest talking to tomorrow.

The arguments are never actually anything significant, it is always me getting upset how I get spoken to. It's always him getting very angry over whatever the trivial thing was in an attempt to prove I am wrong. If I don't back down, the angrier he gets.

That sounds awful, and so upsetting.

Is he a good partner when he isn't getting abusive and angry?

He works and is a good Dad. We often laugh together. Things are actually a lot better than they have been in the past. We have been together for 12 years. It's days like this that I remember how miserable he can make me, because he is never truly sorry for what he says. He says sorry for me being upset. I feel I do everything to help everyone and try to be the best wife I can. I feel I'm a good person and he makes me feel I am not.

He works and is a good Dad.

I work. Where's my medal? Good dad? For doing what? Setting this as an example of how to treat those nearest to you?

We often laugh together.

On his terms, I am sure.

Things are actually a lot better than they have been in the past.

Then I dread to think what you've already been putting up with.

We have been together for 12 years.

Google the 'sunk costs fallacy'.

I feel I'm a good person and he makes me feel I am not.

The exact polar opposite of what a relationship should do.

Me saying "Shhh" is a trigger for my DH too. From what you have said on here, OP, It's not you who's weird. I have PM'd you.

Ltb
His behaviour isn't acceptable.
He sounds horrible.
Make plans to seperate from him.

Sorry, but how do I find a pm?

Thanks for support, I try not to doubt myself, but it can be hard sometimes. I've googled sunk costs fallacy, yes it is difficult when you have invested time and love. I desperately want us to be happy, but I've never quite achieved it as past behaviour is never forgotten completely.
Ive been told he is not going to talk to me today and why can't I just shut up when he says. So tomorrow I predict will be awful. When it gets to this point, where I won't back down that he is the one in the wrong, he gets very cold me. I believe he doesn't want to separate, but also can not ever be in the wrong, so getting this indifferent and cold to me is a way of scaring me into backing down as he knows that I don't actually want to split up. Whatever, I feel pretty shattered.

OP: I was you. Try see if you can get your hands on the Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that", There is no need to degrade you in an argument, no need for it to be personal. There is resentment there and he is projecting it on to you.

One of the things in the book was a lightbulb moment for me was saying that abusive men turn your anger/ issues right back round and ram in back down your throat. Sound familiar? Do you always feel like you are the one to make amends and smooth things over to keep the peace. I have been left nearly 3 months now and its a hard habit to break. But you'll know when enough is enough.

First thing is, you've started to acknowledge his behaviour. Keep posting, and keep your mind open.

Thank you pudding. In the past I have googled his behaviour and seen this book recommended before. Leaving is such a scary prospect though.

Its almost paralysing I know, it took me three years of being miserable, and 18 months of pretty much shit every day to decide to do it. He has continued his behaviour since I left (21 years and 2 kids) and essentially I do still have feelings for him and don't want him out my life forever. No chance of a romantic relationship though.

I am still learning about setting boundaries, but I am in my own four walls of safety. He can text, call or when I see him be a mean nasty shit (or overly nice, it varies between the two) but I can leave and not have to put up with his sighing, huffing or general stone walling me, or anger and rage, I can be in my own peace.

The kids have been great, the eldest one who is 9 said yesterday " i see why you left now". Amazing how much becomes clearer when you leave.

If you are committed and really truely want to make it work, perhaps you should have individual counselling, but who knows if it will change anything for the foreseeable future. You see unless he has a personlaity transplant or some serious therapy, the episodes will drop off for a while but re- emerge. Not trying to be negative or anything, but in my view anyone who disrespects you enough to make an arguement personal to make themselves feel better, is someone you are better off not around. I still love my ex, but I don't like him much at the moment. Its tough, but when you arr ready, you'll know.

Keep posting on here and keep a record of how you feel and what happened, like a diary, as you forget because if you are anything like me you bury it and swallow it down.

Hi again, glad you found my PM (just in case anyone thinks I was rudely ignoring your request!)

Are you able to somewhere else tonight? I'd take your DC with you if you can afford a hotel for the night and don't even let him know where you are.

He's not speaking to you, so it shouldn't be a problem for him.

It's like you're a naughty child being told to shut up.

I think this marriage means more to you than it does to him.

If you can't get away for the night, just disengage and act like he's invisible.

If he's able to look after the DC, get out of the house, even just for a coffee, a walk round the clothes section of a big Tesco or Asda (as they're open late) to get some space and just take your time.

He sounds like quite a bully.

Hello all. Thanks for your help.
Sandy that would be the best advice if I could find the strength. Had a really crap morning, he was cold, talking barely, I tried to talk normally as I couldn't cope with the strain, but it was being met with such coldness that it just reduced me to tears. I was so angry inside....how can you be angry with me?...how can you be so cold with me?....why aren't you apologising profusely?! I feel at these points it's a test from him, despite him hurting me, by steadfastly acting like he has done no wrong, in the end I go to him and the choice is given to me, if I'm not happy, end it. I know one day I will call his bluff, because actually I do not think he wants to end the marriage, but he is used to speaking to me like this with no real consequences as I'm not brave enough to end it.
As the day went on, he got a little warmer. I had a small apology and now he is back to planning our holiday. So no consequences for his behaviour again. I'm feeling pretty crap. It's going to be another incident filed inside of me. I'm never completely content even when we have good days as I can't quite forgive past incidents.