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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My OH just said to me "least I'm not ugly"

53 replies

Scottishgymnast · 08/05/2017 19:11

Title says it all. He was sort of joking I suppose when he said it. I'm really quite shocked and didn't know what to say so just walked upstairs.

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 08/05/2017 20:56

Hope you're ok, op, that sounds really hurtful. What do you think he was trying to say?

Some interesting responses here. A woman is upset and bewildered by something extremely nasty her partner has said.

Doesn't make sense in that context.
I bet you said something hurtful to him.

Sorry op, that's bollocks. It doesn't make any sense.

I wonder what else you told him or what tone you used.

The relationship board used to be a supportive place.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 08/05/2017 21:04

You're troll-hunting on a relationship thread, Pit-Bull? About a poster with a substantial history?

Nice.

fluentinsarcasm · 08/05/2017 21:10

I asked DH if he wanted peas or beans and he said "At least I'm not ugly"

If something smells off it usually is.

silkpyjamasallday · 08/05/2017 21:11

It could be in the context as a PP said, he thinks you are sort of being a bit down on him about his parenting so he is saying that at least he has good looks to keep him in your good books?

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2017 21:12

The relationship board used to be a supportive place

Cmon, play fair. 😂 It's totally an illogical conversation.

The use of rhe word "least" indicates she called him something insulting and he said well at least I'm not x.

floraeasy · 08/05/2017 21:13

More context would be helpful if you can remember, OP.

If not, once you've had a chat with him when he's back, things might become clearer then. If he's rude again, take note, and run it past us here. x

Original poster
Scottishgymnast · 08/05/2017 21:23

Wow just catching up.

Those that have been helpful and supportive thank you.

Those that haven't are I guess using mumsnet as light entertainment!

Maybe it seems strange I can't remember but I think in a busy family lots going on conversations happen - maybe numerous conversations going on - and the details aren't clear. Plus like I say I really was shocked.

We've had a big chat which is why I wasn't back on the thread and he thought I said something that I didn't. Which now makes more sense. However I'm still shocked that he would say that - even if I had said what he thought I said.

Anyway apart from all of that I also have learned not to come to mumsnet for relationship advice. Maybe we need to get some professional help. I don't know.

Like I say thank you to those that have given sensible supportive responses.

OP posts:
likeababyelephant · 08/05/2017 21:28

OP has your DH maybe been wanting to say something nasty for a very long time (you say your relationship is rocky atm) and decided to say it there and then?

likeababyelephant · 08/05/2017 21:29

Maybe he was waiting for the "right time" to be a dock to you to justify his arsehole behaviour towards you.

Bluesue26 · 08/05/2017 21:33

What did he think you had said?

RebelRogue · 08/05/2017 21:33

Was it said in comparison to you or in a "I've got that going for me" kinda way?

Original poster
Scottishgymnast · 08/05/2017 21:49

I was trying to get past to go out in the garden and I'd said "I can't get past". He thought I'd called him fat. I hadn't. I don't think he thought I'd said it. I think he thought I'd inferred it when I said I couldnt get past.

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 08/05/2017 21:58

I think I was getting him to go and sit at the table whilst the DC finished their dinner so something like "go on help a bit and spend some time with your children, give this desert to the boys whilst I go and bring the washing in"

Do you always talk to him like he's a child and you're his parent? It's a sure fire way of winding an adult up Confused

Flopjustwantscoffee · 08/05/2017 23:58

People aren't being fair. On the one hand if she had said something very insulting to him first, then they would both be as bad as each other / his response would be justified. But on the other hand when the op gives the context and she hasn't insulted him people therefore say it's not believable. Sometimes people do say/do nasty little out of proportion things that are hard to explain to other people because they sound so random/unbelievable. Like my ex starting an argument over NOTHING in the car, saying so,e really vile things and the.n being all smiles 5minutes later when we had got out of the car and around other people. It's really hard to explain to others what happened because I know the response would be "well you must have said so,etching to him" but NO I hadnt

Heathcliffitsme · 09/05/2017 00:50

That makes sense how you have described it. Don't know why so many people are being arsey with you.

PigtailsAndPosies · 09/05/2017 05:31

Flop but what she said initially didn't make sense. And she has since given more information, which means it does make more sense.

The reason people doubted that the original version was the full picture was because, well, the original version wasn't the full picture.

Scottish It does sound as though he thought you'd implied that he was fat when you said he couldn't get past. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

LedaP · 09/05/2017 06:29

Still not convinced that he was calling you ugly.

I know you didnt say he was fat. But in his head the conversation went

You "you are fat"
Him "at least i am not ugly"

That doesn't autmatically translate into 'you are ugly' . It could be 'i might be fat but i am not ugly' . Talking about themselves not any reference to you or any comment on your looks at all.

The fact that he assumed you made a derogartory comment about his weight, you assumed he was calling you ugly. It sounds like a shit way to live and a lot must have happened for you both to assume the other is targetting you appearance.

floraeasy · 09/05/2017 09:51

It sounds like you both may be reading the other one's intentions wrong even after knowing each other 15 years!

You say your relationship has been a bit rocky lately. Can you tell us why? That might make things clearer. If your relationship has been a bit off lately, you both may be more likely to read things that are not meant into the most innocent of statements.

Sounds like you both need some honest communication. Do you think counselling would help you both through this rocky patch?

Original poster
Scottishgymnast · 09/05/2017 12:25

Just the usual both working, children, tired and no time for just the two of us.

Communication is most definitely an issue. Yes I have wondered about counselling but then things settle down and I just don't get round to it!

OP posts:
user3459859083590890 · 09/05/2017 12:27

Yeah, know what you mean, OP!

Maybe you should pursue that counselling though. It's hard when things aren't that bad. It's easier just to coast along especially if you are exhausted at the end of every day. The trouble is, the cracks can widen if they aren't checked.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 09/05/2017 13:47

Sorry I agree with the others. It doesn't make sense. You do know what you said, just choosing to forget.

CloseTheWindow · 09/05/2017 14:05

Sorry to hear this OP.

I believe you can be shocked by someone saying something horrible, that you actually wonder did it really happen. At least for a moment. You certainly could forget some of the actual conversation, whilst remembering the generality - that it was completely out of the blue and totally uncalled for.

I don't know whats wrong with the posters attacking for you for deliberately forgetting something bad you said Hmm.

I wouldn't come here for relationship advice either.

Its just like AIBU some days.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 09/05/2017 14:58

We've had a big chat which is why I wasn't back on the thread and he thought I said something that I didn't. Which now makes more sense.

I imagine you still feel like shit today - however, I must say, kudos to you for dealing with it so effectively - (If it were me, I'd have mulled over it, getting myself into a fury...etc...etc) That does suggest to me that your communication can be good sometimes? - its just that nasty negative spiral where you always think the worst of the other one.
I would recommend counselling and also really pushing other people to take the DC off your hands now and again so that you can spend time together. Although its probably the last thing you want to do, it might be good to prioritize your relationship for a bit.

Hope things work out. Thanks

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 09/05/2017 15:02

I agree with Leda tbh.

Was it said in comparison to you or in a "I've got that going for me" kinda way?
It makes more sense the latter way.

PigtailsAndPosies · 09/05/2017 18:44

I completely disagree actually.

In my experience, when someone feels insulted (e.g. called fat) and responds with "yeah, well at least I'm not ugly", then the implication is that the other person is.

As in "yeah well you might be calling me fat, but at least I'm not ugly like you".

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