Fighting for my fiance

[HowieSF3]

Hi,

Long-time reader, first-time writer! Like a handful of others out there, I'm a chap here for some sage advice on how to save my life with the one i truly, utterly adore and love.

Some basic background knowledge; been together for 11 years, engaged for one. There's a lot of love in the relationship, but there's a fundamental problem with being happy as often as we'd like; I've got a few anxiety problems, albeit ones that I am absolutely determined to deal with, as does my partner. We've worked hard on these, but recently it got too much for her to bear.

We're currently living apart, getting some time to get some perspective, whilst seeing a relationship counsellor. I'm struggling with the notion of 'perspective', the uncertainty of it all and the issues with not being at home to share the successes that come with my changes in attitude and general approach to life. It feels like I've already lost her without being given a real chance to fight for her.

Happy to share as much or as little additional information as Mumsnet seems necessary to help me with this! Anyone who can help automatically goes on the list for any future wedding!

H

I need to give her space, it turns out, and I'm struggling enormously with that. And I will continue to do so.

BUT...if I don't give her any space then I won't get her back. But is that simply a case of me giving up and not fighting for her?

It sounds like it has run it's course. What are the issues that bothered your fiancé?

How does your anxiety manifest itself in the relationship?

What anxiety issues and how has this manifested itself in your relationship? Also if she says she needs space then she probably does so give her it

Also you can't fight for some one that wants space. That will send her running for the hills.

Don't 'fight' for her. She needs space. Fighting for her is showing her you don't respect her boundaries and wishes.

This is one thing you can't control. Leave her be and if she wants the relationship she will come back for you

Hello Howie, if I, as a woman, needed space, it would be either I felt trapped, or suffocated.
Do you work !
Do you have any interests of your own, any hobbies ?
Do you have children together.

Is the reason she needs space because of control issues in your part?

You can't fight her for her - she's not yours to 'win'. She's her own person and free to decide what she wants for her life, and also free to change her mind about that. What she wants for her life may or may not include spending it with you.

If she chooses to try to make it work with you, and you choose to do the same, that's great. If not, you can't force it and have no right to try.

I know it hurts, though. It won't always.

Hi Howie, can you say a bit more about your relationship and how it's been for the last year or so?

Was there a catalyst moment leading to her moving out?

To answer all of the above (and thanks for everything so far!)

• I don't think it has run its course, as theres still an enormous amount of love for each other. When its good, its great. But thats not often enough, and thats usually struggle to be happy in myself.

• I've recently spoken to her on the phone and it is clear that I need to give her more space. I've got a term paper due in a few days time (Post grad studies at Harvard; I'm not useless, just wired a little differently. ADHD that was only diagnosed a couple of years back) which is why she hasn't minded me calling her a lot, but I haven't given her what she needs. That has to change, and will do now.

• I've realised that the 'fighting' doesn't work in this instance now. Lesson learned.

• Regrettably, I've been in and out of work for the past year. Fortunately (sort of) its been down to having a string of awful bosses who were, quite frankly, terrible people. But not bringing in a wage has been damaging, there's no denying it. Thats been on me, having felt so crushed. But that too is changing. Bar work, temp work, whatever it takes. Have got to get rid of my pride and get back to paying the mortgage.

• Hobbies, yes; I play a lot of rugby, enjoy getting out on walks, not too bad a carpenter. It'll be tough for me, as my club is two minutes away from home, but I'm hoping that we will be on the way to sorting this by the time the new season rolls around. But no children, no. She does have a niece and a nephew, and the illness of the latter (almost died at birth, was starved of oxygen, no idea what it will mean in the long-term) had a disastrous effect on her.

• I'm not the controlling type, at all. If anything, this was a bad thing. I didn't take enough responsibility in organising things. Vow to change this one.

You're all absolute heroes. We're only telling one or two people each, so there's that (I think). Might be a positive, might not be.

As always, happy to regale you all with even more information if need be!

Linsey, the past 2 years have been incredibly tough. I almost died - quite literally - from the stress of working for Ofgem. Worked 22 weekends straight. I didn't change my behaviours enough after that, despite showing what my own self-loathing could essentially do to me. Not working for the past year hasn't helped with that either.

Do you think separate counselling could also help you both? It sounds like your relationship was quite difficult for the last few years

Maybe when she contacts you again then try to reset the relationship by going on dates and taking things slowly. Be romantic and try to plan nice dates for her. Don't expect to just move back in together like nothing happened.

We've just started that too, me primarily for my self-confidence/affirmation issues. I'm hoping she will too, although our relationship counsellor will start seeing us separately after a couple of weeks too, it seems.

And that sounds like a great idea. Spoken to friends about this, and they've all been a bit shocked, as we work so well together. Riff off of one another so perfectly that it is probably what is making this all the more painful. But the dates, the re-starting the relationship suggestion sounds fantastic, thanks for that.

I think I have been on the other side of this one. My highly intelligent and highly capable DP (now fiancee) had a breakdown last year and couldnt work for 6 months. It was incredibly tough, not least since it had been difficult for a while.

The biggest problem I found was the shift in our dynamics. I felt like I was effectively carrying him - emotionally, financially and it just felt like he had checked out. I felt very alone. it changed how I viewed him but we have found our way back.

I think you are doing all the right things. it will take time and make sure you keep listening. I can completely see why you are so eager to run to her and tell her how much you have changed. its not so simple to fix.

like others have said - gestures speak more loudly than words. respect her wishes and keep communicating.

we came through it and we are much stronger now.

Thanks Bumble, thats warmed my heart to hear that, so happy for you. Hopefully I'll have something similar to report going forward, but I'll be sure to take my time and respect her space.

Hmm... you seem to be very open to constructive criticism and becoming more self aware so I'll chance my arm saying the following...

It is highly likely that yes, you have been being controlling. It may not be what you have thought of as controlling behaviour, but I am willing to bet this is why she is wanting space and if you do want to put it right, this will be what you will need to work on.

Anxiety often leads to people becoming controlling partners, especially if it is down to self esteem issues.

Your opening post talking about fighting for her when she has had to get you to live elsewhere so she can have sufficient space for herself shouts as loud as anything that you have not been listening to or noticing her feelings.

You come across as highly emotionally fragile, in this brief set of posts. Also as though you are highly emotionally dependent on her.

I'm not sure if continuing this relationship would be the best thing for either of you really. It sounds as if you will not be able to make too much progress with your own work on yourself whilst you are with her because the dynamic may have become one of you being overly dependent on her an because your own self development will be hindered by that.

Offred, I wouldn't have put this up here if I wasn't open to it.

I'm not so sure about the controlling behaviour as such, but my moods did have a habit of dictating situations when I was struggling. While I do have self esteem concerns, I'm very much the self-loathing/championing and supporting others type, but I'll bear that in mind.

Fragile might be a bit strong, but maybe vulnerable. I'm strong-willed and comfortable a lot of the time, but when i struggle i really do fall apart. To a certain extent I am dependent upon her for affirmation - don't do that myself - and aside from on the rugby field, I've no supply of that from work at the moment.

And I sincerely hope you're wrong on that, but I certainly appreciate your candidness on the matter!

Maybe, if you have a clean break, and give her the space that she craves, she will have the chance to realise, whether or not, she wishes to continue the relationship. I realise that's a hard ask for you, but it's what she needs. In the meantime you could continue to work on yourself, pursue your hobbies, and give yourself time to become emotionally stronger. Then maybe you can both move forwards. Good luck Howie, hope it works out for you both. 🍺

Thanks sugarpie! Going to be a tough ask - just so much as sleeping and eating is proving to be a bit of an ask already - but I need to give her some space in which to heal. If I don't manage that then there's no hope whatsoever.

You sound like a puppy always wanting attention. "I haven't been given a chance" and "I want to share receive a tummy rub for my progress".

Oppression is a form of control and your neediness and the pressure to be your on call 'cheer squad', must be exhausting. Even when she specifically asked for space, you've managed to use your ADHD and a term paper as a means to circumvent her request and repeatedly call her.

If you are meant to be together you will be, if not, you won't. I appreciate your desperation but what's telling about your posts, is that they appear to have very little insight into what she wants and needs.

She doesn't want to be fought for, she wants you to understand that meeting your needs isn't her primary responsibility.

Leave her alone.

If you haven't got eating and sleeping and generally functioning down on your own then, I'm sorry because you are clearly having a bad time, but you have no business being in any kind of relationship.

The thing about it really is that relationships need to be between 1 whole person and another whole person if they are going to be equal, successful and happy. If you are trying to have a relationship when you are only half a person the other person feels suffocated and responsible for you and their ability to be satisfied in the relationship suffers hugely.

Have you considered the, rather likely I'm afraid, possibility that the break from living together is her way of easing you into a proper split?

You aren't really getting it I think. You shout not even be considering marrying her right now as you have personal problems and relationship unhappiness that has led to you living separately. This should have reset you and your relationship expectations back to dating but it seems your response is to cling onto her even tighter.

The 'perspective' I think you need is this - you cannot try to depend on her to make you whole, you need to get this sorted yourself, by yourself. She has effectively ended any expectation of marriage for the time being, though she obviously cares for you enough to go to relationship counselling. That may not result in everything going back to how it was. She may realise this is an unhealthy relationship where she has become codependent and the relationship may end for good. And that may well be the best thing for both of you even if you don't recognise it as such at the time.