Is this normal behaviour for a mother?

[Barbaro]

Ok let me know if I am just crazy and should just accept my mums demands.

I've recently started seeing a guy, done this before although not to her knowledge as I don't like sharing my private life with her as she then just gossips about it to her friends and lies. I know i cant trust her with secrets hence why I never share any with her either. She doesn't even know that my ex raped me because I know she will tell everyone she knows as its 'good gossip'. I sadly have to live at home as can't afford a flat and am 27.

Any time I go out to see him, she demands to know where I am going and when I will be back home if I miss a text I get calls and voicemails with frankly quite rude messages from her asking where I am yet again. She says its just normal motherly behaviour and that mothers never stop worrying about their kids. I get that, its natural instinct, but to want an update every time I drive my car or go somewhere else? I've never come close to crashing.

Quite obviously I don't have a great relationship with her. The most we bond over now is my horse as she helps me with him a lot but that's about it. She has never been that proud of me, usually comments on how I need to wear make up more like her friends daughter does and she's never said I am pretty. She either clearly doesn't trust me to be allowed out (dunno how since I've never done anything bad in my life?) and I can't be trusted to drive home at night (yet she's the one who nearly crashes all the time in daylight).

I get it too I live under her roof, but this just seems abnormal and does to anyone else I know, but none of them are parents. What do you think?

I would ask where my DC were going if they lived with me (as adults) and what time to expect them home

Just curiosity I suppose.

In your case I think there are so many bones of contention that this just adds to them

It's not normal,no.

There is only way of solving this though, save up and move it. It will only carry on and get worse.

Oh I know kungfupanda and believe me the first opportunity I get to leave I will take. Hence why I am praying to god I get a promotion and a decent pay rise soon haha. I know she isn't going to change, just dunno if this is what she claims as normal for parents.

I would ask.
My DD would tell me.
Then I'd be fine.
She would need to let me know if she's coming home so I can double lock the doors etc.. if she's not.
But I have a good relationship with my DD.
At 19 she's often out and about.
Tonight in fact I know where she is and that she might not come home.
But she'll text me if she has a couple of drinks and I'll know she won't be home.
It should be simple but it doesn't sound it with your DM.
I don't know what the answer is if you don't want to tell her???

No, it's not normal.

My other half is younger than me, so while I moved out at 17 and spoke to my mother once a week during that period he didn't move out until after he met me.

His mum was quite attached to him in the beginning, lots of calls and texts, but we responded on our terms.

You need to ignore her messages, respond when you want. With simple "mum i am going to xxx I will be back before xxx, if I am going to be late, I will call." Any messages from her can be ignored, or responded to with a copy of what you said. Don't get upset by it, just ignore it, she is the weird one. Not you.

I think that it's courtesy to let people know where you are so they know if something has happened.
But if you can't tell her things in confidence then I can see why you don't.
Have you told her you don't tell her things because she cant keep it to herself?

Yeap, pretty normal for parents when their children are living at home. A friend's brother moved back at the age of 35 after a divorce and his mother would wait up for him worrying when he went out.

If you don't get on with your mother, you really should see about moving out, it can't be pleasant for either of you.

Can you say to her mum, I have a right to privacy. I promise to tell you upfront whether or not I will be home for a meal, and to send you a text at x time at night to tell you that I am safe and more or less what time I will be home.

Some mothers just cannot cut the umbilical cord. And I say this as a mum of a teen DD, who knows what I will be like when she is an adult! But I sincerely hope that if she is still at home when she is 27 I will stay out of her life unless she invites me in.

My DC are only young teens, but if they lived at home as adults I would ask where they were going and what time they would be back. I tell DH where I am going and when I will be back too. For safety more than anything. If I was in a car crash or I was suddenly taken ill he'd know I was missing and would have a place to start looking for me. That is why I would want to know about my children, in case something bad happens not because I am trying to control them or looking for gossip.

My mother used to insist I was back in the house by 10.00 p.m. when I was 21. That was one of the reasons I went to university far, far, away and stayed out to ridiculous times at night, and DH and I set up house together as soon as I graduated. At least your mother doesn't seem to be doing that.

Maroonie: yeah I have told her, she says that's just normal too.

When my DDs (who are 19 & 24) are at home I ask them where they are off to and they just tell me. There has never been any need for them to be mysterious about their whereabouts. I also ask when they will be back so I know if they need food or if they are going to be late so I can lock the door.

That being said, I have a great relationship with them and I don't make horrible remarks about their appearance or anything. On that basis I sort of understand why you don't want to share stuff with your mum. Can't you move out? I think if my DD1 was still living at home we might not have as good a relationship as we do with her living 340 miles away and only visiting periodically!

Is your horse at home or on a livery yard? If he's at a yard, could you move him to a cheaper one to free up some of your money? Or help out at the yard for cheaper monthly cost? I've known a few places where people have got 50/month livery through being at a cheap place and helping out (though grass livery so no stable. I know some need a stable).

No, she's not a normal mum.

I didn't get my first horse until I after had bought my first home and was financially secure. I wouldn't have wanted to be dependent on my parents as an adult, either financially or otherwise, and moved into a rented room at 18, cheap due yo circumstances that would out me if I shared.

I too was raped by an ex but never once did it occur to me my parents would gossip about it. That's disgusting.

I know what it is like to live and breath horses but tbh I wouldn't choose that above an opportunity to be independent of your mother. You'll probably reject the idea though as many of my friends do despite never being in a position to be able to buy a home and keep a horse. Your choice.

Shitgibbon and joysmum: on the topic of the horse, theres nowhere cheaper around here suitable for him. He needs a stable in winter or he loses weight too drastically and the cheaper places have fencing that wouldn't keep him in a field for longer than a few hours at best. Sadly I bought an escape artist. I couldn't bring myself to sell him either, he is a talented horse that I bought looking in a terrible condition because his previous owner couldn't handle him in his best condition. I can't sell him knowing that might happen again.

I will eventually be able to afford a place and him again but I need that promotion first.

Glad that others think she is the crazy one not me. I dont want to appear mysterious about where I am going, its never anywhere bad, I've never taken drugs or even smoked. I'm pretty boring really but I've never trusted her because she could never be trusted. I know if I told her I was raped everyone in her office would know, all of her friends would know, my whole family would know. Its not something I want disclosed really to people semi close to me but it would be if she knew.

Your Mum is crazy.

With my eldest who is now the grand old age of 20 we ask her what time she should be home and the rule is she texts us both if she's not coming home or going to back later. The other rule is in an emergency she phones the home phone.

Our mobiles are off but if we wake in the night we can check them and know whether to worry or not if she's not back!

TBH is our biggest moan is her being quiet so she doesn't wake either of us as I'm a rubbish sleeper and find it hard to get back to sleep.

Good luck with saving up to move out

My DS2 lives at home. If he leaves near evening-time I'll ask him when he'll be back, but that means 'early or late' (not a specific time) as we want to know whether or not to worry about burglars when we hear the front door. But we return the courtesy to him when DH and I go out.

I do NOT ask him where he's going, it's none of my business.

I suspect my mother is so much like yours they could be the same person.

I haven't lived at home since I was 16, apart from a few months in my teens.

I can't tell you how much better everything is if you get out.

It has been horrendously hard at times but honestly I would rather be dead than live with her again.

Sorry some of you have the same issue as me but at least we aren't alone in this problem. I did prefer living away from home at uni. I had my own life and wasn't constantly asked what am I doing nor did I have people just walk into my room without knocking or asking if they can come in (another issue I have with her just find it impolite).

Its not you, its your mother. She is elf absorbed and critical of your choices to say the very least. It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way.

BTW where is your dad in all this; you do not mention him so was wondering whether he was still in your life at all?.

I would move out asap; a flatshare would be better than what you have now. I would also find alternative help to do with your horse as well; she uses that as yet another hold over you.

Can you preempt her calls/texts. It would be polite to text your mum to let her know when you're due back. You don't need to give her finer details but I guess general chit chat would mean you disclose that naturally anyway.

My mum was a gossip too and so I had to restrict some info but not the mundane day to day stuff. I couldn't tell her about the pregnancy till 12 weeks. Or the house buying.

She sounds a bit much. I have a 25 year old son who still lives at home due to costs of buying in this area - he is saving hard yay!

I don't ask about his comings and goings. Just a text to say he has arrived where he was going - he drives and I - like the vast majority of parents - worry. Other than that, if he tells me who he is seeing, that is up to him. He is an adult.

For balance, I'm 51, and my DM makes me do a double ring when I get home from seeing her

My dad is here too they are still married. He isn't the same really he doesn't worry he knows I am fine.

She has agreed to not request any more details about my relationship but she makes it obvious she wants more details. It would just be nice to not have that stress on me about this relationship when I'm having difficulties with it anyway (nothing to do with the guy, all of my own issues from my ex).

I am an older mum here but right up to death my parents had me phone when I reached home. I felt safer with that. It is wrong that we should need these safety things. I have older DC who has own home but if convenient has stayed at my house after work. I am normally texted time of arrival and any delays. I think it is polite of DC to let me know what time they will enter my house. Saves worry if there is a delay

Is there anyway you could get a sharer?

That could help with money, but more importantly reduce your reliance on your mum for practical help.