I don't want friends anymore - am I weird/depressed

[Dottie39]

I often read on here women who have no friends and are lonely and want tips on forming relationships.

I have the opposite problem, I have friends but find myself avoiding them and not wanting to make plans. I wasn't like this until about a year ago when I discovered a close friend was trashing me behind my back and using me. It hurt alot at the time but I feel ok about it now and it was almost a relief when things blew over and the hurt subsided, to find I didn't need or want that friendship anymore. We don't speak now.

Since then I examined some of my other friendships and felt most of them were not benefitting me as much as they upset or annoy me and take up my time - that sounds awful doesn't it? But basically I have a flakey friend, always cancelling, late, always me the host etc. Another friend is an absolute gossip and I have no doubt they bad mouth me too, another is always in a relationship drama which is all we ever talk about... They just drain me. So I have distanced myself over the last few months and feel happier and more peaceful.

At the weekend, two of said friends confronted me via wattsapp, calling me out on never being around anymore and asking if they have done something wrong. I have said they haven't done anything, but they are pushing and I honestly don't know what to say.

I have a brilliant relationship with my husband, have four children to keep me busy, a very close best friend relationship with my mum, and a life long friend who lives a couple of hours away that I see every couple of months. These relationships fulfil me, do not cause me stress and I am happy with them. But I feel like something must be wrong with me to suddenly want to give up on all these other various friendships and am worried I will regret it down the line. Now they have confronted me it will be difficult to find a way back if I continue being distant.
It just feels like some relationships are more trouble than they are worth. Am I isolating myself? I certainly am less social and have avoided social situations purposely lately. Has anyone else ever been through this?

Yes I am surprised, I was ready to be told I was projecting from my failed friendship and I should keep trying as friends are precious blah blah blah!
Saw one of friends today and she said she would text me when she was next popping over...! So if its ok to end these friendships and gradually distance myself, any tips on practically doing this? Especially with those you see often (ie work/school run)

Friendship can be so like romance in terms of the drama and heartache and in terms of the recovery from a bad one.

We see it all the time, people who've had a bad relationship or several, saying that they "need to be single for a while" or "have given up; I don't think I want another relationship", especially if they suspect that they attract trouble due to their own baggage/bad childhood/whatever. But also just if they've had some bad luck and want to get their head straight before they let anyone else into their lives.

Why would friendship be any different? The points in my life where I had no friends were really good for me and I don't feel bad about them at all. When I think about losing the friends I have now, the idea pains me because I love them as people, not because I'm worried about not having any friends. Which is what I feel is right.

The only thing that frustrates me is the lack of acceptance by society that many people simply don't have anyone in their lives who can casually help them out with stuff. Lots of people have no friends, lots of people have no family, lots of people don't have anyone. A little less pitying of people in that situation and a little more recognition that not everyone has access to the same resources would be good.

Anyway. It sounds like these events might have been a bit disorientating for you, OP. Maybe you could see this withdrawal by you as needing some time away from friendship in general. Lots of people lose friends in various ways; there'll be plenty of people "on the market" for new ones if you want to get back out there at some point.

I was dumped by a friend last year. No idea why. It was quite painful. Why not tell them the truth, or at least that you don't want the friendship any more rather than the rather cowardly "phasing them out" bollocks?

I think that's it... There is this ideal that 'friendship lasts forever'. To end a friendship does often hurt like a romantic relationship, but can also be destructive and one way like a romantic relationship too. I just hate the drama. If I started dating someone and they acted like or exhibited traits traits that some of my friends do I would run for the hills.

Me too. I'm distancing myself from a group of local women that I was friends with through our children.

They make me feel bad and often exclude me so I made the decision to pull away a couple of months ago.

I find it better to have individual friends to catch up with on a one to one basis.

Me too candle.

Group dynamics are too much for me. I find people are much more civil on a one to one basis.

Candlelight

Me too. I was finding groups really difficult so decided to take more control by meeting people 1:1 for a cup of tea, or brunch. In this way I'm easing myself back into being more sociable.

I think it's no coincidence that there are so many of us on MN with the same issues with groups of people

MN is a comfort to me

Fine to cut back contact with friends who annoyed or drained you, but it's not great being without friends. Perhaps, after a break, seek new ones?

I get lonely at times and wish I lived closer to old friends. I am often too knackered by commuting and working to want to socialise and find local friends and acquaintances like to do stuff involving heavy drinking, which I don't enioy.

I fear being lonely in the future. My parents had very few friends, and are very isolated now they're older, which doesn't help their relationship or wellbeing IMO.

Not Yoda
Me too

you can count the number of good friends on one hand I think.

Its good to have some because if your family/loved ones pass away you wont have anyone to call on.

On handling the friend, wait and see if she texts, and if you feel like seeing her do so, if not make an excuse. And just don't suggest anythingz