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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

honest advice re relationship suspect narcissism

22 replies

lancashirelass1 · 08/05/2017 12:57

Hello
So this is my first time posting. It's easier to type this out than sit with the embarrassment of explaining right now to my friends.
All they will say is LEAVE but it's not easy when I explain.
Basically I've known my partner for a long time. Since teens, we went our ways, I got married to my husband and in our marriage we encountered a trauma and it was too painful and we split up....I'm still legally married to him we never got around to getting divorced, there is no malice in any of us and we just didn't. Apparently it's a blessing when I discuss it further.
I RE met my current partner, and we've been seeing each other for 3 years and has moved in.
Long story short he has 3 children and I love them all, I'm quite lucky because they love me too.
I took them all as a package together and they are lovely.
I do not have children and can't have them (my trauma) so things going well and about 6 months I said something to him and he completely smashed up my house, ripped the kitchen and cupboards off the wall smashed up bits of furniture and I was terrified.
Then the worst of it was he said he's entitled to half the house? However, because the house is still legally mine and my husband's my partner has no say in it and luckily my solicitor had already discussed with me issues and I've been very careful with money and I pay for everything and his money pays for holidays. I did not set out to do this, but was told love and money etc and solicitor advised me very strongly and so anything that's done is paid for by me and I can show proof of this and I'm extremely lucky as I have a very good job.
Basically, I'm terrified of this man now, I have no idea how to leave, I'm terrified he will smash my house again he caused thousands of pounds of damage not to mention that he then proposed to me recently and is really pushing my divorce which by the way I'm not.
Whilst I'm married to my husband I'm OK.
I have no intention of marrying my partner, words can't even describe how bad it was, he was screaming at me saying how he's paid for everything and he really hasn't.
The argument was because I'd accused him of something and the way he started was totally unacceptable and very dramatic that now I'm sat here crying and frightened.
I suspect that if I tried to end it he will smash up my house or try something on.
Luckily I took photos of what he did and I did talk to a friend who said that he probably thinks I'm thick, but I really need to be very careful.
I have tried to talk to him, he blames me, I've tried to tell him that we should take it easy in the process of marriage and he sulks.
Now his new thing is he's constantly sick which is a kick in the teeth for me and probably the nail in the coffin as my dad who is only 60 is currently fighting for his life with a terminal illness.
I keep thinking if I tell my actual husband/friend will it just cause trouble. I really don't want trouble
Thank you and sorry this is long..

OP posts:
rumred · 08/05/2017 13:11

Awful experience for you Lancashire. You know you need to get rid of him. The thing is to plan it I think. And talk to supportive friends. You need to consider involving the police. He has caused criminal damage and threatened you. It could be a good way of getting him out of the house. Women's aid would I'm sure be able to advise better than I.
Good luck with it all

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2017 13:12

Well you've already got trouble in your nasty abusive DP!
Did you involve the police when he smashed up your house?
Do you have any 'big male' friends at all?
I'd be packing all his stuff and putting it with one his friends or family.
Then changing the locks whilst he is out.
Making sure I had someone with when he was due home
You can get him out.
It's your house.
Call 101 when you do this and ensure they know that things will escalate.
They will put you on a high priority list so when you call 999 they will respond fast.
It's the only way.
Also have a chat with Womens Aid about getting a non-mol order in place.
Do it and do it fast.
Tell everyone. Get RL support around you. It will help your resolve.

Of course he blames you.
He's an abuser and they never take responsibility.

lancashirelass1 · 08/05/2017 13:16

Rumred.....although a brilliant idea, I have fixed the damage and my house back to normal of which he was VERY proud of him self for fixing and saying sorry but that I caused it etc.
I do agree that I need to plan it, I have no idea, but I suspect this isn't going to be as amicable as me and my husband.
My friend reckons this friend is the only person who knows, everyone else thinks it's all wonderful but she reckons he saw how weak I was when I was so down after my experience, he was living in a cold rented flat, with 3 children and saw gold......who knows.....but one thing for sure is I'm not getting married....

OP posts:
missb00 · 08/05/2017 13:17

Totally agree with hells. You MUST do this for your own sanity and safety! Big hugs OP, be brave, this is only temporary and your future without him will be bright xx

missb00 · 08/05/2017 13:19

Tell your family, tell all your friends, make sure they are home with you when you change the locks and throw his stuff out. He sounds like an awful excuse of a man. Do the children live with you also?

lancashirelass1 · 08/05/2017 13:37

Missb00 - no they don't live with me, although I would not bother, but no they don't. they are adorable but I think this is the whole thing making it worse I truly love them.
I even get on with his ex, if it wasn't for his temper it would literally be perfect.
What I have wrote is nothing, honestly, I am like walking on eggshells, I have become extremely passive, I have all these conversations in my head and argue with myself, its so weird and I suppose its totally normal because if I stand up to him, he doesn't like it.
The worst of it all is adamant of him thinking he can have my house, which is laughable really but its all just a ploy.
The thing is that in my job, I have access to DV and womens aid, I am also extremely resilient usually but right now, especially as my dad is lying in the hospice dying, I have come to think that there is more to life than this.
I am 43, I have a positive outlook on life, I have no children, and I have a good job and I suppose I am a bit of a threat to him but it gives him no rights to smash up my house at all.
I have told his mum, she just said that his dad was the same???? like that is an excuse to be OK?
Anyway, I will speak to my friends and I think I need to start to plan this out, as you can imagine, that anything I say, ends up with me crying and him blaming me and so then I think its my fault....
so I have to be very careful now because when I have recently had my counselling through work because of my dad its when its all come out about him and so its just made me think how scared I am of him really.
The saddest thing is that I love his children......

OP posts:
GloriousGoosebumps · 08/05/2017 13:43

I absolutely agree with everything that's been said; you must get this man out of your house and out of your life and use the police and the law to ensure he goes. Where he goes isn't your problem but would he be able to move himself and his children into his parent's/ sibling's / friend's house? If so, I'd give him less than a week to get out. Expect him to claim that he can't find accommodation quickly and beg for a month or so's grace in the hope that he can coax you into changing your mind.

GloriousGoosebumps · 08/05/2017 13:47

I've just seen your update. If the children don't live with you then it's, relatively, simply. Speak to the police and see if then can be present when you tell him to leave.

missb00 · 08/05/2017 13:57

Sorry OP this sounds really awful for you, treading on egg shells and made to feel afraid in your own house! He is a coward and you sound like a right catch, he's jealous without a doubt.

LazySusan11 · 08/05/2017 13:58

Call the police and make a complaint they will help you and the domestic abuse team can also advise. Flowers

notarehearsal · 08/05/2017 14:02

Phone the police and report the incident, even though the house is now sorted. Tell them you are frightened for your safety and want him out. Contact Woman's Aid and they will advise re the application for an non molestation order. You will have grounds because you will have reported a violent incident. Should you not have grounds the police can issue a harassment warning, followed by the granting of an harassment order should he not comply with staying away.
You will need to completely stop contact, block his phone, block his email, do not answer the door.
To answer your question about narcissism. He certainly sounds as if he has a personality disorder however, NPD doesn't scream out to me. If it matters, look up personality disorders which incorporate rage as one of the signs

Jux · 09/05/2017 00:05

Phone Women's Aid and ask them to help you plan getting him out.
Or ask thepolice dv Unit to hep you - 101.

Good luck, keep posting.

MusicIsMedicine · 09/05/2017 01:55

You didn't cause it. He did.

You don't leave your own home or live in fear any longer.

Change the locks and call the police.

You need to get our of this before he's punching fuck out of you instead of the furniture.

user1486956786 · 09/05/2017 04:18

OP you sound like an amazing person, such a catch, you've done very well for yourself. He certainly hit jack pot meeting you.

Other posts are correct, it truly will get worse. Soon he will no longer work, no money and become dependent on you so that you feel as though you cannot get rid of him. Not to mention his temper will escalate with this.

perhaps you could book him short term accomodation, so that when you tell him to leave he has somewhere to go? It isn't your responsibility to do this but at least he has no reason to not leave?

GoodDayToYou · 09/05/2017 13:33

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, OP. It's a lot to deal with at once.

Please gather your friends for support. Speak to Women's Aid and the police. Plan a smooth, quick separation which includes packing up his stuff, changing the locks and blocking his calls and messages. Liaise with the chn's mum re visiting them when things are settled- she can reassure them of your love for them.

GoodDayToYou · 09/05/2017 13:34

Posted too soon.

Good luck with it all! Flowers

PsychedelicSheep · 09/05/2017 14:06

notarehearsal - actually rage is a key feature of NPD, and can be very dangerous (think Brian Blackwell or OJ). Not saying this guy definitely has NPD, just that it's incorrect to say rage is not connected to this.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201202/rage-coming-soon-narcissist-near-you%3Famp

notarehearsal · 09/05/2017 14:12

PsychedelicSheep my mistake based on my personal experiences around BPD and ASPD and rage. Hadn't realised it was a feature of NPD too, apologies

PsychedelicSheep · 09/05/2017 14:17

No worries! I think because narcissistic people are generally more concerned with how they are perceived they tend to keep a lid on it more than the types you mentioned, but when they go off they really fucking go off! They are often more tightly controlled though, you're right.

lancashirelass1 · 09/05/2017 19:55

Hi there, because I'm very New to this site I'm not sure how to reply.
My partner, has only one friend, he is very open in the fact that he loves only me, he doesn't like people. Some people actually really don't like him
However, some people, like coming in contact, my friends, think he's wonderful, that side of him, the handsome side, the lovely side and don't get me wrong, everyone has a side, but his is almost psychopath.....hence why I need to plan all this out. Someone has asked me if I've brothers the answer is yes, two, older, and at the moment were all dealing with my dad poorly. The worse one is probably my sisters, I'm the eldest daughter, but we're a very close family. However, I cannot say anything yet, I really really need to be ultra careful.
On reflection, he's probably not Narcissism, but some disorder, probably strange for him, because if you think about it, I hold the power, I didn't think of it, I'm the one still married, I've no children, I have a good job, a social butterfly his description. But it doesn't give him the right to smash up my house, and in a way, I'm glad he has done it now, not when I'm married to him.
So, I have spoken to my solicitor, partner has no legal rights over my house, he may try it, but the house is jointly owned with my estranged husband and so whatever he's paid into it, he said he would struggle proving, that 90.00 per week pays for the house, every bill, plus all the work I've just had done, paid for by me and my parents, plus the 15,000 holiday that I've bought for him, the kids and my nephews so he has no leg to stand on with that. He said the money he puts in is a real offence to me.
I've spoken to my alarm and security man and he is sending me info to change the alarm number.
My insurance can change locks, but where I work I've access to lock Smith's, but I want to keep professional out of it.
I will tell my friends and family, but right now, I have to plan all this carefully.
My only friend who knows, has said the same, that I need to be very careful but the sadness and grief I'm feeling for my beautiful dad who is fighting for his life, I'm the person I am today because of his passion and strength even my amicable split with my husband is down to me being so grounded because of my dad. But this grief, my recent counseling has made me think of my direction, and I do not intend to stay with my partner, I'm too old to mess about, I've been through too much to just settle. I also do believe that he took advantage of me 3 years ago when I was so down, one minute I was down, left my hubbie, next I'm being swept off my feet with child hood sweetheart which also was discussed in my counselling too!! Sorry to go on, you will not believe how much each and everyone has helped me out.
Although you don't know me and there's always a few sides to a story, I've been as honest as I can be.
I can't stay with him for the children, for one they aren't mine, but I've loved them like mine so I hope that his ex will help me with that.
Whilst I'm under the grief, I am seeing for myself how literally robotic he is, he said he doesn't understand my grief, blames it on the fact that he thinks he's got aspergers I just think he's not got any love in him. So girls, I will be leaving him, you have given me some strength yesterday and today to help me think. My next will to put it into action, sort out what I want and do it......wish me luck Xx

OP posts:
Missb00 · 09/05/2017 20:54

Wishing you all the luck in the world OP xx

notarehearsal · 10/05/2017 07:16

You sound so switched on, so aware of what these people have the capacity to do. Everything you have said makes sense and I'm so glad you are being especially careful with your plans.
I wish you a happier future life
Don't know if it will be of interest but a couple of forums are outofthefog and BPD family forum. These forums are mainly for those living ( and getting away from) people with NPD, ASPD and BPD
You may find the 'leaving' parts of the forum useful

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