Taking pictures of me while I sleep?

[5gen]

If my suspicious are right, this is so messed up.

I think my OH is taking pictures/videos of me when I sleep.

This is such a.long complicated story, but he's quite sexually aggressive and has a really high sex drive (wants it before work, when he gets home and before we go to sleep every day, we have young children) and due to health complications my sex drive has gone down to once a week (maybe a bit less even) but a lot of the time if I'm not in the mood he'll excuse himself to the bathroom with his phone (I really don't care if he watches porn) or he'll wait for me to fall asleep and 'relieve himself' in bed next to me (which I find weird).
But a couple of times (TMI!!!!) that has woken me up (its hard to sleep when he whole bed is shaking) so I just pretend to stay asleep. But then he'll move the covers really slowly, and I can see the flash on his phone is on around my 'downstairs area'.
And hes really private with his phone he won't let me on it (saw another post about a husband who has his phone locked and it was like reading about my own OH!)

I did manage to sneak a peek at his phone about a week ago but couldn't find any pictures or videos. Which makes me think he's got them in a hidden file? I've sent him a couple of 'racy pics' in the past so surely they'd be on his phone still somewhere but I couldn't find them.

I feel betrayed and I don't know what to do or if I'm even right but my gut feeling is that he is doing this. AIBU to freak out so much?

This whole situation is so messed up. I wish things could go back to how they were..

I hadn't even thought about what he could have done with the pictures, I thought they'd be for his own use or whatever. Not that it makes it any better.

I'd definitely need proof before i confront him. I know him, I know he'd just back me into a corner until I drop it and agree that it's nothing and I'm being silly.

You're not being silly OP. THis is absolutely not on. In fact it is illegal to take photographs like this without consent. Perhaps he'd like to try and back a police officer into a corner and ask them to drop it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP

Would I be right to say he's a bit of an aggressive controlling arsehole in other aspects of life as well?

I agree with BitOut, this kind of behaviour is often part of a pattern of emotional abuse.

I don't want to involve police, we have young children. I never want them to know about this, I don't really want anyone to know about it. I feel so pathetic for not being able to keep my family together.
I have really bad anxiety, I can't handle phone calls all that well and I have only left my house twice in the last month. I got myself so worked up about calling in sick to my job that I had a panic attack and didn't call in at all and lost my job. I feel like such a mess right now.

Oh OP
You're not pathetic at all.
I realise this might be difficult but could you pluck up the courage to go and see your GP?

There will be other apps I am sure but there is one that looks like a calculator and is a working calculator. However with the right PIN number it opens to show hidden files to save messages and photos in.

The photos may be hidden on his phone

What is the root cause/s of your anxiety; him mainly?. You cannot go on like this and you need proper help for your anxiety now. Leaving your house only twice in the last month is not healthy for you or your children.

Keeping this a secret will not help you in the long run and your children will pick up on your unspoken unhappiness and anxieties at home if they are not already.

He is committing a crime by doing this to you and you feel betrayed for good reason. There is no going back from that. Those pictures are likely to be anywhere on the internet or dark web for anyone to look at. He is getting his sexual deviancy needs met at your expense and does not care about you at all. You are but a mere sex object to him.

I think your partner's behaviour must be contributing to your anxiety. And everything feels worse when you're not sleeping properly. I think you and your partner really need to sleep in separate rooms, so you feel safe enough to relax and have a decent sleep. Would he agree to sleep in a different room or could you? You could tell him it's a temporary thing until you feel better and have your anxiety under control.

What did he say when you were too ill to work, didn't call in sick and then lost your job?

What's he like generally OP, how does he treat you? You said "I know him, I know he'd just back me into a corner until I drop it and agree that it's nothing and I'm being silly." Is that typical? That's not how a happy relationship should be - he should respect your feelings.

It could well be that living with someone who is "aggressive" as you described him, ignores your feelings, makes you feel tense etc, is causing your anxiety, or making it worse.

My anxiety was very bad in the last few years of living with my ex. I used to get panic attacks and heart palpitations. They've gone since I left him - I'm still a natural worrier, but I'm free of that awful feeling of always being on edge and clenched up.

I know my anxiety is caused mainly by him. I do suffer mildly with it anyway but lately it's been ridiculous. The weather is glorious but I can't leave the house. Going into the back garden takes build up.
I studied behavioural psychology and councilling, I know that my health problems are caused by what I'm dealing with. I might even have PTSD, although I'm not going to diagnose myself.
My physical health is taking a beating because of it, too. It's like my brain can't cope with it so it's taking it out on my body, if that makes sense.
I never thought this would happen to me. I didn't think sexual abuse happened in relationships, how naive.

I think tonight once he's asleep I'll sneak downstairs and sleep on the couch.

Thanks for being so supportive this really means a lot

I really hope you can see your GP and/or call Women's Aid at some point soon.

Do you have a good relationship with your mum? Is she supportive? If so could you take DD to visit her for a bit? It would give you a nice break and some better sleep.

Even if you had proof, he'd still back you into a corner or make out it's nothing, either way you lose. Don't waste your breath.

This is who he is and he's not going to change (there's no time machine), you need to focus and concentrate on getting your anxiety under control (therapy, men's etc), only then will you be strong enough to confront him and hopefully leave.

5Gen at best this man is taking advantage of you. I've been in a similar position - ex-H would do things to me when I'd had a few wines that he knew I wouldn't consent to sober - and many times I either purposefully got really drunk so I wouldn't care, other times I used to pretend I was really drunk so I could lie there, close my eyes and pretend it wasn't happening.

To this day I'm still not entirely sure why I let this happen. I have no idea why I didn't leave sooner, or why I just submitted, why I let him do it.

Please try to obtain some counselling and advice - you really need to consider your options. Some of the relevant charities offer email support so you won't have to leave the house or do any of the things that make your anxiety worse.

You don't actually need any further proof, the fact that he's belittle your concerns and unhappiness at what he's done is enough of a reason. No decent partner would 'back you into a corner until you drop it'.

You poor thing. His sex drive is beyond normal its like an addiction.
You need to detach and see it for what it is..abuse.
I know this takes time. So one day at a time look after yourself and get stronger.

OP this behaviour is very dangerous and I really think you need to part ways. You're not comfortable with him and that's not surprising. It will be like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders when you leave him.