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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dads dying and DH is being a prat

24 replies

whatisforteamum · 08/05/2017 08:01

I've known for yes df is dying.Now he is on the final bit of his cancer journey.I am close to him and although I'm working and carrying on as normal doing 50 hr weeks dh is being more of a pain than usual.No hugs or kind words at all.
Last week he was given a letter for a disciplinary at work over social media activity and attitude to work.Its all I need a 57 yr old who can't behave!!
Weirdly hr has let himself go only shaving if he feels like it and sometimes quite scruffy.
I feel at a loss and can't see what I get from this relationship. Even my dying Dad said even if we moved I would take my problems with me.
Thirty yes has come to this....minimum affection and huffing and sulkingHELP.I can only cope with watching Dad die and I have no R L support

OP posts:

user1486956786 · 08/05/2017 08:15

The week I found at my dad had cancer my partner was not supportive at all, it was horrible, he just didn't understand what I needed emotionally. I understand how you are feeling completely. You can come here or PM me anytime you need support or someone to talk to. Have you told your other half how you feel and what you need from him? xxx

HeddaGarbled · 08/05/2017 08:34

Sometimes, the loss of a parent or someone else you are close to, can make you re-evaluate your life and I think that's where you are now.

My advice is not to make any decisions just yet. You need all your emotional energy to cope with the end of your dad's life. Is there any possibility of you reducing your working hours temporarily? You need to look after yourself. Don't put too many demands on yourself right now.

Later, you can think about whether you want to make any major changes in your life.

BarbarianMum · 08/05/2017 08:49

One possibility is that your dh is having some sort of crisis of his own. Is he behaving very out of character do you think? If he's been responsible and loving and supportive til now id be worried. Or he could be sulking because not all the attention is on him. Or just be generally thoughtless.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 08/05/2017 08:51

Thanks I had to have a week off in march as I was getting either panic attacks or vertigo brought on by an inner ear infection.eight weeks of dizziness and I stopped driving.Work are lovely but I will have to be off if it gets too much.Dads been shaking and not eating and sleeping a lot.Both he and Mum have battled advanced cancer.Mum is his carer now.its so heartbreaking I wish I had someone to hug me.I feel alone.

OP posts:

Jux · 08/05/2017 10:15

Has he always been like this? Is he usually supportive and affectionate? 30yrs of kind supportive husband is v different from 30 yrs of self-absorbed selfish husband. Which was he?

WaitingYetAgain · 09/05/2017 16:27

His behaviour with the acting out at work and stopping taking care of his personal appearance seems odd if this is sudden and uncharacteristic. As PP asked, has he done anything like this before? What's he normally like?

jouu · 09/05/2017 18:11

You have dozens of threads about how awful your partner is. It's been years and years of this.

What are you getting out of this relationship that you don't seem to want to end it? Because he sounds so completely, irredeemably awful. Do you understand that you can't change him, he's always going to be this way?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 10/05/2017 09:22

Sorry for the late response. I've been doing 13 hr days.He was lovely to start with however since his heart attack in 2013 he has become selfish.I get that it was a wake HP call for him but sometimes he seems ridicu!ous.He shouts at me I can't tell him what to do if I ask him why he hasn't shaved as he looks dreadful unshaven.
He does help with chores and does the food shop as I work all weekend and he does a few less hrs.My own df said even if we moved he thinks. Its the relationship that is wrong after 30 years.
No affection and his bad moods are all I need.I definitely need to sort this out now.The dcs are adults and one has left home.I work fulltime too.Some of this thread was for advice where to turn and to get it off my chest.Even my dcs don't know why I'm with him.
I have to concentrate on df who has been struggling to walk sleeping a lot and shaky.He also has an infection.:(

OP posts:

WaitingYetAgain · 10/05/2017 10:09

Have you been to couples counselling?

You have a lot on your plate so be kind to yourself. I still think your husband sounds unwell - either physically or mentally or a bit of both - with the shaving issue. At different times a couple of my family members stopped washing as frequently and didn't take care of their appearance as they usually would and in both cases they were suffering depression.

The fact it started after a heart attack is interesting, I wonder if that is something other partners of people who have suffered heart attacks have experienced or whether that is just a coincidence.

WaitingYetAgain · 10/05/2017 10:13

I went and had a google. Have a look at this OP - www.datalounge.com/amp/thread/12977060-personality-changes-after-a-heart-attack

There are other similar pages, but this was the first one in saw and gives you an idea.

user1479302027 · 10/05/2017 10:42

Judging by your previous posts, you are using your father's illness to beat up on your partner - he was in trouble three years ago for going golfing when your father was having chemotherapy. Are you really gaining anything by coming on mumsnet to gang up on your partner, children and mother (they've all had their turn)? Those are the relationships that should matter to you. That you might find you need. Are you making it possible for these people to be supportive? The way you have described all of these relationships makes me think that it would be very hard for them to properly support you. My dm made my brother's later stages of cancer hell because she turned it into such a drama. Sorry

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 10/05/2017 10:56

Oh yes Waiting spot on!!.We had our differences before for years but we had two dcs.He was developing a bit of a temper before his heart attack which I put down to the 55 hr weeks he was doing.He had a major HA and two stents.His mum died when he was 16 of a heart attack too.He has had counselling and lost weight which he piled back on !!He is on anti depressants though. DMS battled advanced cancer too on off for hrs so its been stressful.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 10/05/2017 11:34

Use147 my DM is hard work even my angry dh can see this my dsis went nc with her as she is so controlling.I try not to be like this but guess in dome ways the ale doesn't fall too far from the tree.I have a fantastic relationship with both dcs now.A colleague said they were hard working polite and lovely only last week as they have both been employed where I work over months. I doubt they would be come back if ey hated me.

OP posts:

user1479302027 · 10/05/2017 12:45

I'm glad your relationship with your children is good, op. I think you might need to separate from your husband, though, because you disparage him an awful lot.

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2017 12:52

I've just looked a couple of your past threads.

Your dad has been ill for a long time - I'm so sorry - it must be very stressful. Throughout this time your husband has been bloody awful. Your children don't know why you stay with him and I don't know either.

Why do you think you stay with him?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2017 13:19

Your own children are basically telling you to leave.

I think that's all you really need to know. If I were you I'd be planning my exit.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 10/05/2017 21:17

You've posted before about how awful your H is and you were told by many posters that leaving him was the only sensible option as he was not going to change. Why have you stayed?

I'm sorry about your Dad but you need to wake up to the fact that coming back and constantly starting threads about your H, is not addressing the problem.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 11/05/2017 06:25

Personally I think its harmless to gain support from mumsnef and get things off my chest.I apologise if this upsets you.I have stayed put as D's still lives here and neither of us earns much despite working long hrs.Our mortgage is paid.I have also recently suffered I'll health and panic attacks so given up driving for a while.
I have no one in RL due to the nature of my work.

OP posts:

user1479302027 · 11/05/2017 09:38

Fine, but from your previous posts I feel sorry for your husband.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 11/05/2017 11:43

Fair enough.He can be lovely.We are both nice people but probably our personalities clash.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 11/05/2017 15:12

The thing is, if one is in an unhappy marriage they have a choice: Leave or stay. If they choose to stay they know what they're signing up for.

I have not AS'd your other threads so I don't know the 'state' of your marriage or how 'fault' should be apportioned. But if you've decided to stay then you need to emotionally divorce yourself. Expect nothing, ask nothing, give nothing (unless you can give with no expectations). In other words, you regard your DH as no more than a roommate and expect nothing from him that you would not expect from some random person in a house-share.

Would you expect a roommate to emotionally support you during your father's last days? No. Would you expect a roommate to pick up the tasks you must neglect due to your need to be with your dad? No. The same in reverse. If a roommate got a disciplinary letter from their job would you expect to have to cater to their emotions? No. If they got 'scraggly' would you think it your place/duty to 'shape them up'? No. In all these circumstances the 'other person' would most likely say "Sorry about what's going on" and go on their merry way. If you're going to stay with him, that's what you need to do. Give nothing you aren't willing to give without any expectation of recompense, ask for nothing you aren't willing to hear 'no' about.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 11/05/2017 19:05

Personally I think its harmless to gain support from mumsnef and get things off my chest.I apologise if this upsets you.

It doesn't upset me. I do however disagree that it's "harmless". Whilst I would always encourage people to post on MN for support - especially if they don't have any IRL - it's disingenuous at best to start threads and not be upfront with people about the fact that you've posted before and cannot leave. If you intend to rely on people's goodwill and sympathy to act as a support for you, then it's only fair that you are truthful about your situation. If you aren't then ultimately it's counterproductive for you because - as illustrated by this thread - people recognise you/your situation and become frustrated with the fact that you want to lean on MN for support but are not willing to be upfront with the facts. I do understand though that 'LTB' is thrown about with abandon on here and that IRL it's not always as easy or clear cut as that.

I hope you manage to find a way to resolve your situation eventually. I will stand by my previous advice that your H will not change - so all that you can do is either change how you respond to him (i.e. manage your expectations), or leave.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/05/2017 06:13

It was never my intention to not be up front.I guess I don't know a
L the mn rules.Working 50 hrs on shifts and running errands for mum has left little me time.As Df worsens and my dsis who has mental health and issues is being assessed for paranoid schizophrenia the the least of my worries is my lack of support in RL for me.

OP posts:

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 12/05/2017 11:28

There aren't MN rules - it's common sense, surely? Take my advice or don't - it makes no odds to me. I'm not having a dig - only trying to point out that if you want somewhere to get support then it will work much better for you if you're upfront about your situation. I work FT and care for elderly parents with severe health issues so I understand the constraints; MN has been a lifeline for me at times.

Anyway, leaving the thread now. Best of luck for the future.

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