Obnoxious Husband!!

[willywanger]

Jekkle and Hyde = My Husband

He's kind
Thoughtful
Loving
Complementary
onlyto me though...

Then he's
Rude to friends and family members, shop staff, anyone really
Never wrong about anything
Hogs the remote control 24/7 and doesn't like me to watch what I want
Is really sulky if I do something and he isn't included
Doesn't like me going out with my friends
Doesn't like me wearing a top that shows a bit of cleavage
Calls my friends and family all the time
Is moody
Makes my 2 children feel uneasy with his moods.
He slams things about, throws things, bashes things - and then would tell the children off for doing the same, it's one rule for him and one for them
He blames me for putting weight on
He blames me for nearly everything he's not happy with
He's aggressive when he's driving and purposely blocks people from pulling out of side roads - it makes me cringe
He doesn't thank people
He snaps at the kids
The kids don't want to spend time with him
He never takes no for an answer where sex is concerned and I will nearly always give into him cos it's easier
He accuses me of being a liar
If I suggest we go somewhere he will purposely ignore it or make it so we don't go
If he wants to go somewhere we go! No choice!
He constantly breaks promises with the kids
If im making a cupa and offer him one he will always say no but then want one later
He doesn't help around the house but moans about the mess it's in
He calls the kids tramps
He doesn't have any friends - I mean none cos apparently they let you down!!!
He has very high expectations of the kids but then seems to purposely get disappointed when he gets let down by them!
He makes out he's fun and is overly loud in public but then is the opposite at home
He can't sit down and relax
He doesn't like anything I like but I'm sure it's to be objectionable

The list goes on and on... I really have got sick of this mans attitude and I'm starting to hate him.
Anyone else living with this shit?

You're not stupid and you didn't allow yourself to be abused. He is an arse and that isn't your fault.

Please call Women's Aid, they will help you and your dc get away from him

Thanks for saying that. When I wrote what he does and how I feel it was really hard to admit it. And reading it back imagining it being a friend it's awful. I'd tell them to leave.
When you're living in the middle of it you just kind of accept that it's their mood or their personality and ignore it as Best you can, but it gets to a point where I just feel like I can't take it anymore.
It's too much!!!
All I want is for him to be nice and I know he can be briefly and only usually when he thinks I've had enough then he reverts back to being the same again. It is his personality and he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.
I know he won't change and I'll never get through to him. My only option is to leave him.

If you're ever in any doubt, your OP alone is a helpful visual. One list is significantly longer than the other. Good luck OP

Please call women's aid and refuge for help.
www.refuge.org.uk
www.womensaid.org.uk

This not your fault, you do not deserve it and you can get away from him/get him away from you with support.
Stay strong and focus on what you want for yourself and your children.
You are strong and you can do it!

Thanks.

Does anyone else have a spouse like this?

He was amazing when we first met 15 years ago! Too good to be true in fact when I think back...

He really is unrecognisable when I think about it now.

How can that be? We're the first few years an act? He was always a bit jealous but I just thought that was cos he loved me... or maybe I'm just starting to be totally irritated by him now. I really don't know!

It probably was an act unfortunately. Many abusers are very clever at roping you in and then gradually letting the mask slip over time. It's how they trap their victims

Wllywanger, I could have written most of your post! It took me eighteen months from the time someone sat me down and told me that my relationship was emotionally abusive, and financially, to find the courage to tell him I wanted out. I am now just over a year out, we are still battling over finances, as he believes everything he earns should be solely his, never mind that he has three children from a 20year marriage. But I am so much happier, no walking on eggshells, and funnily enough no mess in the house either, go figure that one!

You can do it, be gentle with yourself and try and line up some counselling to support you through the initial stages.

I certainly have got a husband whose behaviour has "changed" . he always had a bit of a tendency to flare up easily but was far gentler day to day, kinder and more considerate than he is these days. Mind you he also had a far less stressful job .

Justwantitover

I'm going to suggest that he moves out. We have two houses, one we are currently renovating. It does have a kitchen and bathroom all done and I'm sure he could cope there for now. I will stay here and he can contribute to the bills.

I feel it's my only option at this time.

I'm not sure what else I can do. I really can't live like this anymore it's mentally draining having someone so up and down and the constant egg shell walking is starting to cut my feet!!

No I don't have a husband, whose behaviour has deteriorated. My dhs behaviour has changed for the better. At nearly 50, he's realising life isn't all about work. But about us and our dd. Were he like yours, we wouldn't still be together. I've had a lot of therapy over the past 3 years and my behaviour to him has changed. I have very clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable these days. I didn't have a clue beforehand. You really shouldn't be putting up with this.

Hi. I can quite honestly say I'm in the same situation, other than have 2 houses and with my DH he drinks a lot.
A button was pushed at the weekend when he got into a fight with my autistic 18 year old son. It's as though my children can see exactly what he's like yet I have spent 20 years making excuses for his damn rude and bullying behaviour.
I told him that I couldn't continue at the weekend. I told him I was tired, confused, that he was a sociopath, he was a bully. He tried to turn it round at me by which point I was so revved up I told him I just wanted to go home..( we argued in a lay by!).
Anyway, he's not said anything to me, thinks life will just toddle on but it won't.
It's hard here because the advice is generally " leave him " BUT right now, in the thick of it after many years, it's scary. Really scary. Add in a heap of " your co-dependant " which actually I'm trying to get my head round......it truly hasn't helped me!! 😳 we k ow that what we are living is wrong, uncomfortable, tiring, emotional, add a bit of love, wishes, what ifs into the mix...... the jump we are going to make into a different life is a big one but I'm thinking in the long run, will be the best all round.
So there you go. You're not on your own, promise! Xxx

"Too good to be true" is exactly what I felt.I'm not sure if it's an act but more their thinking changes.The sense of entitlement and need to control increases as they react to family life.My H couldn't handle any slight from the children, of course that didn't happen before children and only after they became more vocal and developed their own personalities.
My ex would feel he was abused but it's the normal up & downs of family life, having to give and take.If he's not in control he felt controlled..its real to him and in that way I believe it's irrational thinking (thinking errors in CBT speak).

However without introspection they can't see it so no incentive to change.My ex seems to feel more comfortable when he is on his own or with the children in a controlled way..its very rigid and then he's happy.Had I suggested changes I'm controlling..if I don't completely agree I'm belittling him.
My ex had a years counselling and is going again..but I suspect he gives a version of his reality so nothing changes.
An example your H probably feels very slighted and poorly treated because he reached out to offer a dog walk, he went to the shops for you..so in his mind you are impossible to please, always looking to be mean to him.He can't or won't see your perspective so he feel justified in sulking.

Justabitstuck

Me and you are two peas in a pod. I would love to speak with you! X

@willywanger agreed! Is that possible on here?

You can private message each other.

This part of your list : He's kind , Thoughtful , Loving does not jibe with the second part of your list.

None of the second part is any of those.

And I don't think you should ask him to leave until you've got copies of all of your paperwork and if possible, sought legal advice.
Why would you think he would go quietly?

Please leave. I posted very similar things for two years on here with everyone telling me to go. It's affected my children quite badly, dd2 in particular. But we're out of it now and although we're both in counselling, we're not living in fear, we're not constantly walking on glass. She knows she won't get called names anymore.
Good luck.