Hi ladies
My name is Donna, I have noone in real life I can really talk to about this so I'm hoping for some sound advice...
I've been with DH since I was 19 (30 now) and we have 2 children (7+2). Married for 9 years this month.
We had major issues in the early years but got through it, and things ticked along nicely for years. However the past couple of years have been hit and miss.
Mostly because DH finally got himself a friend when this guy started at his work.Very much a bromance as it's only the two of them that work there. This friend was young and single and living with his mum, he would take the mick out of DH (and me!) and encourage him to go out drinking all night several times a month, rolling in at 3am wasted. I felt DH always chose this man and his opinion over mine.
There were other problems like my desire to have more children and him not wanting anymore, me getting us into huge debt, and him doing nothing with the kids (and I mean nothing, DD is 2 and he's never ever put her to bed and only bathed her once!).
Anyway, it all came to a head in Feb when we argued, he was drunk and called the police accusing me of fraud (the debt, which was NOT fraud!) he then got aggressive, as he always does when he's had even one drink, so I called the police who removed him. I left him that night and the next day put all my stuff in storage. Didn't hear from him for a few days til he asked for his keys (police had given them to me) and over the next couple of days he asked how the girls were and to see them, before eventually telling me how wrong he was, how much he loved and needed his family, how he'd do anything if I came back. This is something he has NEVER done before. He agreed to stop drinking and going out all the time, be nicer to me, do stuff with the kids and learn to communicate when we argue instead of ignoring me. So I came back.
Slowly but surely it slipped back into him doing nothing again. He does work full time and I'm a SAHM so I don't expect any help with the housework or cooking but I do expect him to be a bloody parent! He started drinking, though not going out as much. Generally we were ok, we even moved house.
Then just over a week ago, he came home in a mood because my sister was visiting. Unknown to me, he'd now decided he didn't like her and that's why he didn't come home til she'd gone. He was in a mood, doing silly things like refusing to hand me toys and putting them in a toy box he knows full well they don't go in, just to wind me up. I told him if he carried on I'd throw him out. I then go upstairs to put the kids to bed, but come down with them a minute later for calpol, and we all hear him loudly say "I'm worried for my kids"
DD7 gets upset as she assumes he's called the police and I will be taken away due to what he is saying. She's distraught, so I comfort her and tell her that the police will come but they will sort it out and not take me away. DH comes into the hallway and starts videoing us, telling me I've done this to the kids and I'm sick. He then leaves.
11.30pm the police arrive, saying he has called them because we argued. He tells them I'd called them first (I hadn't called at all), they check the kids and leave putting it down to his stupidity. I text DH telling him not to come home.
The next day he texts me asking if he can come to DD2's birthday tea party (a party he got mardy for me having!) I said yes, come back at 3pm. I get home at 1pm and he's already there, so I tell him to pack a bag as he is leaving at the end of the party.
He then comes downstairs and announces to my gran and the kids that he HAS to leave as I have "arranged for him to be beaten up in front of the kids" - he doesn't say bye to the kids, just leaves. My gran is visibly upset. The only thing I can think of is that he overheard me telling my gran that my friend is coming, this friend is like an aunt to my children, but apparently if she brings her fella (who has no idea what DH looks like as he's never met him let alone threatened him!) he will beat up DH??!!!! Paranoid madness!
I explain to DH that not only has nobody ever threatened him, but that obviously I wouldn't allow my kids to be involved in something like that.
Anyway, over the next week (until today which is Sunday) we email back and forth with him intermittently ignoring me. He repeatedly says I've told him my friend's partner has threatened to cave his head in (not true) and that I won't let him see the kids etc. I told him due to his paranoia, the things he says to the kids (like, don't worry you'll have a new daddy soon, I'll never see you again, your mum's fault etc) and the fact he threatens to keep the kids from me, that this must be a contact centre. He refuses to go to a contact centre and keeps telling me I won't let him see them.
He tells me he videoed me telling him AND the kids that I've called the police which is nonsense because I didn't call them, didn't say I did, and he videoed me long after that. He said what we heard was fake, and he pretended to call, but then called for real when he left. He calls me sick, says I'm controlling and abusive and using the kids against him. Tells me he won't be needing his stuff and I can burn it (implying suicide, something he's threatened before when I've tried to leave) then calls me mental for saying he''s implying suicide. Calls me mental, says I'm not fit to have kids in my care, that he can't wait to leave and nothing I can do will fix it after what I've "said and done"
I push him to collect his stuff and offer to drop it at his work. He refuses, and refuses to collect it if I have people here to witness. He says he'll bring a police escort, which he knows would cause huge embarassment in our area and also make DD worry.
Then he decides he doesn't want his stuff after all, then he does, then he wants a few things to "see him through" then he doesn't again...
I went on his ebay and he was arranging to meet someone to sell some old tools, gives them an address of a shop near his work (his work uses this shop all the time for stock). Guy asks to rearrange and DH makes a point of saying "I'm staying at my mates again as we're going out tonight so it's the same address" - so his paranoia is clearly kicking in and he either knows I can see it or thinks I'm the one messaging him.
I have no idea where he is, he says he had to buy underwear as he'd worn his for 6 days. He has a LOT of money (£600 cash at least and 30k in the bank from the sale of our house which he says he won't touch) and his work van. I can only assume he's either in a hotel or he has found somewhere to rent. I can't see him paying for a hotel for 10 nights but likewise it's a bit quick to find somewhere to rent, unless he is renting above that shop as he knows the owner.....
He only has that one friend who lives 30 mins away from that shop and my house. That friend lives with his mum and has a serious girlfriend now so I doubt he is staying there at all. He has no family.
So now I am in a situation where I don't know where he is, he's ignoring me, I'm refusing to contact him and haven't for 24 hours so far. He hasn't asked about the kids or to see them, just accused me of not letting him see them. I told him they're ok and he said I was teasing him.
My back door is wooden with glass panels, all you have to do is smash one and reach in to turn the key - so I'm terrified he will break in (he used to break in to our old house if I locked him out, or make so much noise I let him in). This house is rented in my name so don't know if he would dare but he might. I can't move as I've paid the rent for a year now. I've changed the locks to the front door but like I said he can get in the back.
I''m scared on my own, the other morning at 5.30am I heard my letterbox which only makes that noise if the door moves, like when you pull a key out. I couldn't see anything and it could have been wind but I was still scared. Not just of DH breaking in but anyone doing it, there has been a spate of burglaries in my area.
I am sad and heartbroken that it has come to this. I'm sat wondering where the hell he is as he's never left before even when I've tried to make him, which makes me wonder if he''s met someone, only he was always with me since he gave up his nights out. He's too tight to pay for a hotel for this long and like I said no friends or family. He has no clothes except what he was wearing and 1 work top and trousers.
I don't want to beg for him back as this is all his doing but part of me wonders if he's waiting for me to because that's what he did when I left.
I'd just like answers, where is he? Is he coming back for his stuff? Is he coming back home?
Is he planning on snatching the kids?
He used to say he'll tell the social services I'm mentally unstable to get the kids taken from me, threatened to record me having a go at DD and telling her off. He's a convincing liar and is currently playing the victim, telling me I control and abuse him, trying to make me question my own sanity...
I just don't know what to do, don't want any hassle. Don't even know if he's out there cheating or hoping to come home..
Any words of wisdom?