Would you message OW?

[lolo341]

Hi everyone, I have a sneaky suspicion I was cheated on back in December by my OH and his ex partner (broke up 5 years ago after a 5 year relationship). She rang him whilst he was out drunk and they was on the phone for 10 minutes (checked his phone next day), he then went AWOL that night. He denies everything and swears nothing happened but I'm not convinced. I've not managed to get over this. Would you message the other woman to find out the truth if you thought your OH wasn't telling you the truth to protect you? I just want to know the truth so I can decide what to do and what I want. No nasty comments please. Thanks x

There is no chance she will tell you what happened

Yes definitely and if i had doubts i wouldn't remain in the relationship either sorry op

Why would you trust the word of a woman you believe to be a cheater? If she denies it, that could just as likely be a lie.

You need to deal with this with your husband. You trust him or you don't.

I think if I didn't trust my DH then we'd be better off apart, regardless of whether or not he cheated.

If the OW says nothing happened will you believe her?

I wouldn't. She might lie just to get her own back on you. Or lie because she's sleeping with your partner.

If you don't feel you can trust him, leave. I assume he has form for this which is why you think he has?

Why don't you ask him?

You might as well.

OW will either tell you lies (i.e. they were up to no good when he is innocent...) or will deny anything happened to keep your man happy. Regardless of what happened, you obviously don't trust him. No trust=no relationship to base a future on?

It's unlikely she'd tell you much, if she has any loyalties they'd be to him not you. If it's been bugging you that much for several months then you clearly don't trust him anyway.

Also if he's not telling the truth, it won't be to protect you it will be to protect him.

She might be really fucked off with him or be past it and tell you her honest take on what happened. She wouldn't necessarily protect or indict him. If you don't believe him, you have this opportunity to ask her. See what she says. It very likely will not help you, but it may ring true for you, in whichever way.

I don't believe, at this stage of where you are, that it can do any harm. You're in such a state that you don't believe him anyway.

I texted the ow to confirm or deny stuff, and it didn't really help, other than to crystallise that nothing would ever help. She didn't drop him in the shit, but she didn't dig him out either.

I don't think you would get the answer you want.

If she says yes something happened..Will you believe her,

If she said no nothing same question.

The fact you checked his phone still suspicious months later there is a trust issue rightly or wrongly.

It's not a 'trust issue' - it's that he can't be trusted.

I was an OW (let's save the judgement without details for another day, just want to provide perspective from this end)

His wife messaged me. I told her everything...all the truth. When being asked outright it's actually difficult to lie when that person cares so much and is basing their future on the truth.

No, wouldn't give them the satisfaction. If you doubt him enough to want to message her then leave (or chuck him out)

I think, by asking her, that you're going to spell the end of your relationship anyway as she's almost certain to tell him you've asked. Make your decision on that basis.

I would, my thought process was
"If you're at this point now, the trust is gone in your relationship so you may as well. It's over anyway"
She may not lie, I had the new gf / ow message me and I told her everything. It's his mess to clean up, not mine.

By his I mean my exes.

It'll be pointless. She might tell the truth. She might lie. She might tell you to fuck off.

But it doesn't matter. The trust with him is gone regardless.