Supporting a friend whose partner is detached from their baby DD. Any advice?

[CarlyBear]

I'm not really sure where to start with this one but I just need some advice about how to support a friend.

Friend had a DD earlier this year and had a really rough time during labour/birth. There were quite serious medical complications and at one point it was life threatening for my friend. She was in hospital for over a week after the birth and was not able to do very much for her DD due to recovery from surgery. Her partner did everything for the baby in the hospital during this time, with some limited support from my friend's sister.

Friend had a period of pnd after she came home, was very tearful for sometime and her DP found this quite hard to deal with. He became a bit detached from her, she has found this quite hurtful (understandably).

She is doing much better now but things have not greatly improved with her DP. He is okay with her, but totally detached from their DD. He won't do very much with her, won't help during the night and isn't interested in anything to do with her. He has told my friend that he doesn't want the baby and feels that she has ruined the life they had together before she arrived. Friend says she feels like a single parent. She is naturally quite upset about all of this.

They are due to get married in the autumn and friend is getting a bit of a wobble about this now due to the above. She is hoping her DP will change towards their DD once she is older and he can do more with her but is nervous about getting married in these circumstances. She has speculated her DP's behaviour toward her initially may have been because he was scared she was going to die after the birth but doesn't feel this explains things with the baby.

I am trying to support her as best I can, having the baby for her to get a break, lending an ear etc. I'm not sure there's anything else I can do but does anyone have any advice? I'm trying really hard not to say anything bad about her partner to her but it's difficult.

She absolutely can't marry him in this situation. I would suggest he seeks help to deal with his issues. If I were her I would be concerned about leaving my daughter in the care of someone who doesn't really want her. Was the baby planned?

Sorry, should add I have two DCs of my own and also had a bit of pnd and I think my friend might be looking to me to say her DP's behaviour is natural or will definitely change, and I can't say that.

Yes the baby was planned, they have been together for 12 years and were about to start fertility treatment when she got pregnant.

Gosh that must be so difficult for her given how hard they have tried. Did your friend seek help for her PND and if so would she still be in contact with any professionals who could help her partner in this situation?

She had some contact with health visitors and her GP but not sure she would be willing to approach them about her partner. I will ask though if there's anyone of that nature who she can talk to. Thank you.

Btw I agree that getting married in the circumstances is really not a good idea but I'm stopping short of actually saying 'don't do it' to her.

Could it be that he blames the baby for nearly killing his partner? We had a similar birth with DD2 and DH struggled with his feelings. Luckily he was able to rationalise it quickly and move on but I would suggest your friend's DP sought some counselling to talk through his feelings.

Perhaps your friend's DP has PND? I think men can have it, especially after going through the trauma of seeing your friend so ill. If this behavior is out of character for him (after 12 years together) perhaps he needs to see his GP.

Or perhaps he is showing his true colours and she needs to start planning her life without him.

Yes I agree it's very difficult with friends to not try to make decisions for them, you could end up pushing her away. She needs to realise on her own that marrying him in current conditions is really not advisable. Does she have family who could intervene?

The point about blame makes a lot of sense to me. I think my friend took that to be the explanation for why he detached from her initially.

She feels that isn't what's happening with their DD though. Although she could be wrong of course.

He seems unwilling to give up any aspect of their life they had before. He wants to do everything the same way, including sleeping and going out and his relaxation time after work.

There are some exceptions to this and some days he will cuddle and play with the DD but almost like you would do so with a friends baby not your own child iyswim?

There are some family members around who are involved but none that are particular in a position to intervene. They don't really get on with each other's families tbh, both for good reason imo. They don't have a massive amount of reliable support in the family is how I would describe it.