Relationship anxiety

[QueenMortificado]

I have been in a long distance relationship for the past few months. It started that way and we knew how hard it would be to be apart but decided that we would commit to it anyway.

He is absolutely lovely and whenever he messages me says he misses me etc. He has also been up front about wanting to get married someday, have children, talking about which one of us could move to the others country etc. And also is good at making plans to see each other. He calls me every day but due to the time difference it is sometimes late afternoon for me by the time we speak.

He has a fairly busy job (commission based) and at the start of this week said he needs to stop daydreaming about us so much and knuckle down with work a bit more, as he's currently middle of the pack and he wants to make more money (to pay for flights to see me!) and get back on top of his game.

As a result, the early / day time contact of texting etc has gone right down and now we speak later in the day instead.

I've always had some level of relationship anxiety in every single one I've been in. I seem to hear someone saying something and immediately get a voice in my head saying they must not mean it, they're stringing me along etc. To begin with in this relationship I felt really secure even though we were so far away but now with this reduced contact I have constant anxiety that he isn't as busy at work as he says, instead his feelings about me must have changed and he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

It is utterly wrecking me, I can't seem to think about anything else and am pretty much watching my phone for the next time he calls me. We speak every single day and text a few times a day too and he has given me no indication at all that he wouldn't want to be with me. But still I have this horrible inner voice which tells me that it can't be true.

I've done this with pretty much any relationship that I've been in but this feels worse, I think due to the distance as we won't see each other for a few weeks.

I also read on here about not ignoring your gut feeling. But with anxiety your gut feeling is on alert all the time - how do you tell the difference between one and the other?

I've managed to keep it under wraps so he doesn't really know I'm freaking out, as I'm really conscious not to get needy and push him away. But I'd really appreciate some help / advice.

How can I stop over-analysing everything and believe what he says?

Please please be gentle with me, I feel really upset about this ATM!

Sounds super stressful going round in these circles hun! I used to struggle with anxiety & trust issues too so understand how silently insane it can make you feel.

Can you work out where these issues stem from? Has someone let you down or abused your trust before?

I guess part of building a new relationship with someone is slowly opening up about our little idiosyncrasies, dreams, hopes, fears & anxieties. Perhaps talking to him about these things will help? Showing a little vulnerability isn't necessarily a bad thing?

The one thing that has helped me more than anything else is talking about my anxieties - with friends, with my partner & more recently with a private therapist. It stopped me going round and round in circles over things. Would you consider talking to a therapist?

Thank you for replying and so kindly!

Yes I think that it probably comes from my first ever relationship which was emotionally abusive, and in which he would disappear off the face of the earth for days at a time. It would make me go mad trying to call him and never getting a response, and then worrying.

I was also bullied at school and experienced quite a lot of bitchy friendships where they would deliberately exclude me from plans etc. I think some of it stems from the feeling of not really being good enough.

I cried in reading your suggestion for therapy because I didn't want to go down that route and feel like this relationship was causing me to do that! But I also think that if it isn't this one then it will just be another one that causes me to feel that way. I'm just sick and tired of having this exhausting conversations in my head and trying to persuade myself that if he says he loves me he really means it, and not that he couldn't for some other possible wild reason.

I have found an anxiety counsellor in my area and contacted her. How many sessions should I have to see a difference?

A hopeful bump for anyone else to give advice!

How long will it be before one of you can move? Are you able to do so now or in the very near future? Will it make more sense for him to move or yourself?

How much time have you spent together in real life? How often are the visits?

Hmm see relationships when in different countries worry me anyway. But them suggesting they want to marry so early just screams they want a visa :-/

Sorry to be doubtful, I'm sure you will know if what I am saying is wrong xx

The beginnings of relationships are often a bit tricky and I think it's normal to have the odd moment of anxiety anyway as you negotiate the shift from fun fling to serious relationship. If you have problems with anxiety on top of this it must be bloody stressful!

I don't think the slightly diminishing contact is a worry at all, especially as there is a good reason for it and you're still speaking everyday. It's great that you are also managing to keep this under wraps and not let it affect your interactions.

When I had any irrational little panics at the beginning of my relationship (it's still quite early doors) or even now, I would do something to distract myself, or research whatever I was worrying about on the internet and tips on how to deal as a way of dealing with it myself (rather than raising with him). I also tried to do some CBT style thought detachment and assessment.

Also I think making plans for the future - e.g. A weekend away together or a holiday is a good way to help you feel more secure while you're in the early stages? And maybe finding a hobby/interest you can share together?

I did a long distance relationship as well and found it hard. One thing that helped was being more decisive about contact so I wasn't always waiting - ie us deciding 'let's talk again the day after tomorrow at 8pm'. Sounds overly prescriptive but made such a big difference as I wasn't always waiting so felt freer to live my own life, would look forward to the arranged chats, and actually found them better quality as they were slightly less often.

I felt better after a few sessions but it's different for everyone. I just found that having somewhere to talk through stuff meant I didn't need to go over & over things in my head as much.

Whether it's this guy or another guy it doesn't matter. It's important to look after yourself 💐