Recent separation-ex going on dates

[Thighsaplenty]

Together 11 years, 2dc. Separated for good in December. He just doesn't love me anymore, apparently.
Except that I know he's seeing someone. It's gut instinct as no proof but any time I ask him what he's been up to (general conversation, not prying) he seizes up for a millisecond before saying doing nothing. How could he think he's fooling me-we we're together for over a sodding decade!
It's been less than five months. It's a fucking insult.

From experience if the person has 'checked out' of the relationship for months or even years before the split - then 5 months would be ample time to be ready for a new relationship- unfortunately a lot of couples only split because of affairs.

Be kind to yourself - it's all part of moving on.

When I finished my marriage XDH was distraught but within 4 weeks he was online dating. They were a sort-of replacement for me - it didn't mean he didn't love me, it meant he couldn't do without me but he couldn't have me so he found a substitute (I'm really not bigging myself up here - his dates weren't always flattering choices!).

So 5 months is plenty, especially if as Tears said he'd checked out long before he broke you up.

Agree with PP.

If he felt that way for a long time he probably checked out of the relationship a long time ago so 5 months wouldn't seem like a short period of time to him.

Emotionally it must be extremely hard. At least he is trying to spare your feelings by not rubbing it in your face.

It will take you longer to move on but you wil.

To you it might be 5 months however, he could have been done for years especially with how he left it. Try to move on

Is it an insult or is he trying to spare your feelings, or feels awkward about it, or feels it's actually none of your business?

I got asked out about 2 months after I dumped my husband (who bloody deserved it, cheating arse!) and I was more than ready to date though I wasn't looking for it.

In a shorter relationship, I was really upset at being dumped but went OLD within a week - because it helps me to move on.

He's not done anything wrong here, unless you're suggesting he was cheating?

Why would he tell you? Maybe he doesn't want to upset you or perhaps he expects a bad reaction from you or he may just believe it's none of your business.

It doesn't matter. The marriage is finished. He's entitled to see other people if he wants to and so are you. Focus on your own life. Take up dating. He may be more willing to be open with you when he sees that you've moved on.

I know it's none of my business who he sees and what he does, but it flipping hurts.

I guess there's also a big element of jealousy, if I'm honest. Not of the person he's seeing (and who I suspect turned his head before he left but again no proof) but because life seems so easy for him. He doesn't deal with the relentless day to day rush/monotony of life with kids. He doesn't have to deal with night after night of no sleep and then going to a FT job. He doesn't have to deal with tantrums and bad behaviour. Instead he gets to swan in and do all the nice boys-days out etc. As a result, the dc much prefer him and I'm resentful.

I know they don't really prefer him, but I'm becoming a short tempered mum and I don't like myself very much right now and His moving on so quickly (although he checked out way before last year) is just another kick to my rock bottom self esteem.

Can't you increase the amount of time he has the DC?

Try and get him to have the DC one regular evening during the week, so that you can do something for yourself. Turn the focus on yourself for that time, while your off mum duty and slowly build up your confidence.

I used to tell myself that if someone didn't want me, then they didn't deserve me and my feelings for them would fade rapidly and because I need reciprocity.

Men usually do get to carry on with life when you split.

Hopefully you have your child support formally sorted out for the DC.

If you can call upon family support to have a break sometimes, then do so.

I started dating a month after leaving my dh, it wasn't to find a replacement, to me my marriage was over years ago and it wasn't a rebound thing at all.

I know it must hurt more for the person that didn't end the relationship as it's going to take them longer to get over the split. Sadly there's not much you can do other than carry on with your life.

Why doesn't he have the children more often? You need a chance to recharge your batteries all the more when you're parenting alone when you have them. It's better for their relationship with him, and having a couple of school nights where he's checking spelling homework is done, and saying no to another Xbox game (or whatever) at bedtime is a good way to mitigate the "fun parent" thing.

Children really aren't that shallow though. My child has loads of fun with me as well as her dad. And I'm the one that makes sure homework is done - doesn't count against me your kids love you.

This is a horrible thing to go through but it's inevitable. Try and concentrate on yourself and finding your own happiness. As hard as it is remember he won't be immune to life's harshness any less than anyone else. You will be happy in the end if you have belief in yourself, it's always worth remembering happiness comes from within, someone else can't make you happy in swim.

Sorry, not swim, rather iyswim