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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling with Husbands Adultchildren

11 replies

Shania22 · 06/05/2017 08:02

HI I m new on here and I just need to air my feelings ,I've been married just over a year to. Wonderful man, we are both in our early 50's ,I vet got 3 adult sons and grandchildren , he has 2 daughters and son,
The problem is his Children, from the start of our relationship I've not felt welcomed into their family, I've tried , making friends on Facebook, and that ended awful , when we took my 18 year old son and his adult son to Wembley for football and his daughter texting him saying hope he has a lovely family time,me saying, her dad never takes her anywhere and be nice to be invited etc, I was so shocked that someone could be that jealous and Ahe was so angry in her words to me , I had only spoke to her a couple of times, it complete upset me and 2 years on ,I've never been able to let it go ,she sent a text to me,after her dad went to see her and told her how unfair she was but in a jokey form, I've done family BBQ and been over hers with my husband but just feel an outsider to them all, my husband says it's Just the way his children are, but my children have welcomed him and we all have a great time together and I know they think the world of him, I struggle when I go over there with him, as they speak to him no not even got to know me,I've now stopped going with my husband when they are his mums, he said he knows I don't like them and can't forgive her for how she was towards me , they have so many dramas ,other than thIs we have a good marriage, it's affecting me now and I'm scared it's going to ruin our life together
I'm a good person with a loving family and when in their company I feel like I'm sitting on the edge and I'm just someone their Dad has married and not worth talking to
What ever I say to my husband I feel like I'm the bad guy
Just want to be able to get past this
Thank you for reading xxx

OP posts:

springydaffs · 06/05/2017 08:08

Sorry Shania, I don't quite understand what happened at Wembley..

Sorry this is so tough for you.

Original poster

Shania22 · 06/05/2017 08:16

Hi ,well My husband put on a photo of us at Wembley on Facebook and his daughter (27) texted hi.m Saying that he never takes her anywhere and then his exwife texted to saying he was selfish etc, gich made everything stressful and then when we got home thT when she sent me a log text saying about her dad not doing anything with them, which he did and saying you must think I'm a bitch etc , and calleing me sad ,this was a couple of years ago and before that text I had only met her one so ever since I've not really connected to her x

OP posts:

TheLuminaries · 06/05/2017 08:17

I'm just someone their Dad has married To be fair, you are just someone their dad has married. If you want to be more than that, you will have to work to build a relationship. It sounds like you are nursing a grudge from the Wembley incident, which won't be helping with this.

I think you need to let go of that, take a deep breath, and try and make a fresh start with his adult children as they will be in your life for as long as you are married to their father, so it is worth making some effort. Good luck.

Isetan · 06/05/2017 09:24

It sounds like you are on the receiving end of the crap that stems from their relationship with their father and that is not your fault. However,
there's no law that says they have to have a relationship with you, their father married you, they didn't. If the text is still bothering you then it doesn't sound like (personality wise) that you are robust enough to deal with the dynamics of their relationship with their father, so don't.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 06/05/2017 09:31

As the 'child' of parents who remarried when I was already an adult I will never have a close relationship with either of my step-parents, my step mum particularly as I find her hard work. But I go through the motions because she obviously means a lot to my Dad. In your position I would not 'overthink' it, try and be fair to all of them, be there with your DH sometimes when he sees them but also make sure your DH gets time alone with his children when you aren't there (that's really important in my opinion, they need a relationship with him separate from you). You may find you form a bond over time, you may not. So long as everyone is happy does it matter?

snapcrap · 06/05/2017 09:46

Agree totally with slightlyperturbed.

Joysmum · 06/05/2017 10:10

So instead of being concerned that his children haven't had a great relationship with their dad and are obviously going to be peeved that he's doing things with yours he's never considered doing with them, you instead get offended and upset

If your OP is indicative of your attitude, it's no surprise you're not part of their family.

Paperdoll16 · 06/05/2017 10:26

It's quite difficult to understand everything fully but I think the only way you can't improve this situation and relationship with your DH's children is to keep trying and maybe try harder.

Do they have children yet? Taking an interest in them will be welcomed by his children.

Also, showing an interest in their lives. Inviting them round for dinner.

I'm sure you mentioned you sit there at their house feeling left out. Don't. Get involved. They may think you're not interested in being there.

Also said your DH knows you do not like them. That was quite telling and isn't going to help this situation get any better.

Both my DH and my mothers have passed away so we have step mothers on both sides. My SM was/is always really attentive to us and we have a good relationship. FIL's wife or my DH's SM has three grown up children of her own and it felt for the first year or two that she wasn't really interested in us or our children but she's always been polite, welcomed us into her home and as time has gone on the relationship has become much closer. Her adult children now treat our children as their nieces/nephews and it's wonderful, especially at Christmas etc. It's taken a while though as it was two families coming together following some initial resentment/jealousy on both sides.

Keep trying. If anything it'll show you've tried you absolute best.

missyB1 · 06/05/2017 10:32

I would stop worrying about it tbh, you're married to him not his adult children, they have their own lives. Their past grudges are their problem, don't let them affect you. I would be friendly (put the Wembley fiasco behind you), but make it clear you aren't begging for their approval.

HildaOg · 06/05/2017 10:36

Why did making friends on Facebook end awfully? That can only go wrong if one person is constantly tagging the another with unwanted photos, putting up photos of them and/or posting inappropriate things.

As for the daughter being angry because her dad never does anything with her, can't blame her for that.

Ellisandra · 06/05/2017 11:18

Sending a friend request on Facebook is really not indicative of effort to build a relationship.

They were already adults when you met - you are just a woman their dad has married. One of my (about to be) SDs had left for uni when I met him. We barely know each other. I am nothing to her, really. I don't take offence at it!

Her initial message to you was very rude, but you're too old to be getting so upset I've that.

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