Inability to converse

[Ackvavit]

I have kept this inside for far too long. Been with husband for nearly 30 years. He has always found communication really difficult one to one yet in his work is very articulate. I always did jobs that fit in with the family until recently when they have gone and into something with potential albeit hard work; of which I'm not scared. First few months it was very difficult, as my employer had explained it would be. Just to reassure you I've passed probabtion with flying colours this week and been able to discuss the job with managers who have been really supportive and impressed (their words) with what I took on and have achieved so far. I'm not getting over excited but I'm really happy as I'm not young and this feels like the first chance I've had in ages to be me, and earn some money for me not housekeeping etc. I'm just so bloody fed up coming home to someone who thinks it's ok to tell me "I can't do conversation" yet is beyond articulate when I'm in the wrong. Don't fret, I'm aware he will be called a bully, it's is his lack of emotional intelligence that worries me . I have nowhere to go so telling me to leave is pointless. I just need someone to talk to and it's getting harder as I get older. It's like me saying "oh sorry I can't cook". I'm fine so replies lovely but don't fret, I've lived with this so long I just need to vent. Camomile tea and bed. I really hope not to upset anyone I just get so mad at the "I can't make conversation " thing. Bloody learn how too. Sorry I know some people can't. I just need a bloody chat.

Get out and about with friends and family. Have conversations outside your home. Don't waste oxygen on someone who doesn't bother to communicate with you.

Congratulations to your new job and that it's going so well! I don't know about the other thing, why just don't let it pass? It's not going to change. Doesn't he have any good sides you could focus on? If he was (is) articulate outside in a job role, that's partially different, it's about playing an impersonal role as 'boss'. Maybe that is what you see when you get told off for "being wrong". From your description I find it hard to believe you actually are in the wrong when this happens though, but that's just me.

Thanks fifty...really good point that he perhaps is playing the role of boss. It is impossible to chat with him and simply chew an issue over, he has this absolute need to 'fix' a problem when sometimes I just need advice. I do get out with friends go to the gym etc but they would simply not believe me if I told them what he is like at home. I am just fed up of having a bit of a melt down every now and then because he can't do conversation. I'm actually irritated these days that he has pinned that flag to his mast and he just repeats it. The irritation is further exacerbated by thing like technology- if I said 'oh I can't work the sky box thing' his response would definitely be - then learn. Why can he not learn to converse. He also has this negative language he uses when people do chat - unnecessary nattering or pointless chit chat and when I point out it is some people's way he just puts them , me down by saying it's a sign of being unintelligent, as if being silent means you are superior. I do hold him in contempt at this and he knows I do. It shows lack of any emotional intelligence on his part. Weirdly of which he is very proud as he ' doesn't want to be bothered with other people's problems', not interested.
Thanks for the boss analogy, I often say ' I'm not an employee' . Hey onwards and upwards. Had a decent sleep, suppose that's the bonus of not having a chatty partner. It's a lovely day so I'll get up and get on and stop feeling sorry for myself! Silently of course.

I would make some new friends, take up a new hobby and go and enjoy your life. Leave him sat at home silent on his own and he'll soon realise what he's missing. Congrats on the new job too :) x

He is going to end up a very lonely old man. You on the other hand have this fantastic new job, you sound a normal empathetic , emotionally intelligent woman. Like people said-get out make and encourage your own circle of friends and leave him to it. He sounds like a pompous irritating tick of a man.

You have just exactly described my husband - except I'm currently at a more miserable point with it than you. I have asked for him to come to counselling with me as, after years of this, I can no longer start conversations with him myself. It's exactly the same with the 'pointless chit chat' thing, as if every conversation must have either a fundamental point or just be about a practical matter, quickly answered.

There are other things that hurt, but the inability to talk about them is the worst.

Do you have children? Ours are quite young and he rarely talks to them either.

Sorry for jumping on the back of your thread.

Hi sleeper....please feel free to jump on thread, I know I'm not alone in the feelings I have but I'm not great at negative thoughts so when I hear other people telling me the same about their husbands I guess I just think why is it actually a thing for some men to think it's ok to be like this? Feel for you as I perhaps am a bit further down the line than you and years ago did really wonder what on earth I was doing staying. I have loads of hobbies and keep myself busy I just occasionally look at him sat there staring into space and wonder what is going to happen if I end up stuck indoors with him. To be fair he has made some effort this morning and volunteered a hug which is rare without prompt. Totally share your frustration at conversations needing to be for a reason - he does this irritating tutting face when I ' prattle on'. hope you get things sorted to make life easier to deal with. I have got really down about it over the years but there never seemed to be a solution. I chat to,loads of men at various points, at work gym hobbies I do and none seem especially irritated by me in fact I seem reasonably well received, certainly never avoided.....until I come home and feel like I have to creep about. Hey ho this won't get fixed at my end but I hope you can find a compromise. Counselling might work for you, for us it would be a step too far as he is not really the type. His view if I mention unhappiness is that I have no reason to be unhappy as I have everything I need and should be grateful. Yes I know what a bloody statement but that really sums him up. He thinks terms such as arrogant pompous and morose are good qualities. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm making myself an easy target as I put up with it, yet if you knew me you'd be surprised I do tolerate it. God what an idiot I sound. He's a decent guy just settled to happily into being middle aged and morose. I suppose the fact he loves Jeremy Clarksons humour should answer my questions and worries.

There's a big difference between not being good at something and not even wanting to try even though you know it's important to your partner.

Agree joys mum but I've exhausted that avenue. He is dogmatic with his mantra that he cannot make chit chat to the point that I think he believes it's me with the problem. I'm too rational really I know and sometimes I think I should do something radical to make him understand I've really had enough, but I just let things lie after a row and try to placate him by being cheery but not pushing him. It's pathetic I do know. He never panders to me.

Sounds more and more like my situation each time you post.
I have decided this time (I get waves of feeling like I should just put up with it, contrasting with anger about how it's affecting the children's development and my own self-worth) that I have had enough.
Either he changes or we split up.

This is why he has agreed to counselling (although I can't find any!) despite it being very much Not His Thing.

In which case you decide if this is a deal breaker.

For me the lack of try would be. I can understand not being chatty, but not being there for your partner when they are asking for you wouldn't be acceptable.

Decision time as this isn't going to get any easier the older you both get.

I'm the same, veering between being ok about it and then being really fed up. I think for me it as has been mentioned the lack of trying. I've actually had a productive morning and just feel better having been busy distracting myself getting stuff done. I have a lovely home and understand he probably cannot understand what on earth is "missing". DC are grown up and when they come back and all get together it's good fun as we always make an effort. I've even tried asking him if he is unhappy but to no avail. To be fair his family are happy being very insular and there is very little joy to be had! Dissecting things I really believe my problem is the fact he thinks it is something I should just accept yet if I couldn't / can't do something then he would very much expect me to "learn".

I also think the issue is currently amplified in that having taken the leap to take a challenging new job on, and very much succeeding, that I have realised that I am normal and fit in well in a social and work environment. my exhilaration is dulled the moment I step in a room with DH as he seems irritated I'm doing ok, even though he knew I was apprehensive and the first few months were tough.

Oh my goodness, you really are me. I am thriving at work, in a highly communicative environment in which I'm well liked and respected. Just not at home.

I suppose it's that balance really that some people will have the other way as in not enjoying work but feeling safe at home. I guess we can't have everything. Hope things work out for you Sleeper, it's bloody frustrating at times isn't it. I'm really sorry as I know just how you feel. Sometimes I really want to do a Shirley Valentine and bugger off but I honestly don't think it would have any impact other than him thinking I'm being precious and attention seeking. Which I would be doing but in the vain hope that he might notice I'm starved of things that I need. What a bloody conundrum

Ack

Can't you possibly challenge him? My Dh is like this in certain cases. We've been married 42yrs. I get the remarks about technology. I've enabled myself to succeed & challenge be my own inability regarding tasks that he mocks/berates/patronises me. I through sheer dogedness accomplish things & bypass him. I get remarks about my accomplishments. At first I used to just look at him. Now I tell him to odfod.

It's a constant running the gauntlet, but I feel stronger. He's actually getting more respectful.

People will only treat you how you allow them to.

Face palm. Enough already your Dh OP.

As you say, the lack of trying. You're trying to get your support elsewhere to a certain extent as a compromise, where's his compromise?

I really think our 7 yo daughter is learning from him how to treat me with utter disdain too.

Thanks to all the comments. I took myself out of the situation by getting in a good run, bit of book shop browsing, where I managed good chatty conversation with other males. Very much a confident boost that I'm normal wanting and needing conversations as part of life. I'm extremely fortunate to have a space in the house that is mine and has my books, records, photos in etc. My new goal is to save up and buy myself a decadent sofa to replace the ones in there. I'm massively aware this all sounds super precious- just watch I, Daniel Blake so get the first world problems on mumsnet and my thread.

Sleeper...hugs are a bit lame to send you. You sound like me 10 years ago. Please message me.. to quite sure how that works and I'll try to expand on what I've done. Think last night I was just tired and bleugh about everything.