Ok, I'm looking for some common sense advice here... I seem to lack it, or a back bone or something.
Bit of back history. Got married 20 years ago to a man I didn't really know (3 months). Discovered he didn't have the best relationship with drink before we got married but did it anyway, convinced he'd change. Got pregnant with my son soon after. Was an awful pregnancy due to his aggressiveness and control. He became violent towards me so I left. He pleaded and promised counselling for anger so I went back. Another 2 children later and lots of calm time and rough time passes where he still drinks. During this time my son is diagnosed autistic, high functioning, which causes tension but we deal with it together.
My husband then finds a job where he has to work away, no choice, money was good BUT I discover he is drinking really badly, vodka and red bull every day, hiding bottles in my wardrobe, in my car. He is literally drunk 24/7 so he leaves his job and comes home. Again, time passes, he still drinks, approx 8 cans a day.
Cutting a long story short, he has now started a new job where demands are high and I THINK he's drinking more than he thinks I know. I can just tell by the way he laughs or talks that he's drink. For the past year he has been talking to me like rubbish. Nasty short answers to questions, impatience when I don't do things the way he would. I can cope with that but now he is talking to my kids like crap to the point it ended in a scuffle between him and my son tonight. I feel partly responsible because I pulled my husband up there and then for talking to my son in such away, this made my son anxious and it all kicked off.
Truth be known, I'm tired. Tired of this routine. I can't be attracted to him when there is beer in his system so our sex life is once or twice a month. I've told him I am not attracted to him when he's drunk but does nothing. My kids want us to break up. Believe me when I say I've tried everything. I've tried drinking with him, going teetotal, taking him to the doctors. Doctor told him to go to AA and take beta blockers. He didn't.
I am so stuck. I don't work a normal job, I'm self employed, which is feast or famine and I'm so scared that I won't be able to support my kids, BUT, tonight after this spat he has taken himself out ( probably the pub ) and in all honesty, I couldn't give a flying fig. I couldn't give a damn if he sleeps in the gutter. I'm just tired of feeling pathetic, scared of failing my kids, tired of trying to keep it all together.
My question is, where the hell do I start? Pack his stuff, chuck it out? I have no money, not a penny at the moment. I have two knackered cars and live rurally so need to make things secure.......where the hell do I start?????