Not sure I'd ever be able to leave

[Whatcouldpossiblygowrong]

I know this isn't scintillating reading for everyone- it I can't be bothered to go through a whole back story. I'm reaching out for support and knowing I'm not alone. I've allowed myself to consider the prospect of leaving my partner for reasons It would take forever and a day to explain here. and it absolutely bloody terrifies me. I don't know how anyone ever does it. The crushing loss of all those shared memories and loss of the future you imagined. How does anyone do it?

Does this fear affect women more than men? I didn't have this at all when I left my wife after her affair. To be honest I was over it in less than 2 months. We had shared memories yes but memories don't go away. I just don't share them with her. As for the future, my future looked brighter to me without her, hence the reason I left. It was fine. I can see why financially it may be scary for those who are not financially independent but purely from a getting over it and fear of the unknown, is this more of a woman fear than men or was I just unusual?

That isn't the perfect summary thank you!

Is not isn't!

That's good question userboozer. Of the female friends I know that have been in abusive relationships and left. They all have a better life now than previously. The fear factor was two fold. 1, living in an abusive relationship and they couldn't stand the fear of treading on eggshells anymore and 2, fear of the future.
All have struggled, some are still struggling. they still display some habits created by the abuse, however they all have one thing in common they are all happier now away from the abuse than they were before.

Neogo- if you take abusive relationships out of it, does it still apply? I read the thread on here about people who are desperately unhappy but not in abusive relationships and are still struggling to break the relationship up. Is this purely due to the need to please the children and putting your children's needs above all else that personally I think is stronger in women than in men. If not, why is the future so scary? I found the thought of the future full of possibilities and opportunity. Is it a self confidence issue?

Not all men. I am sure that men have strong paternal instincts, just like women have strong maternal instincts. Perhaps it is easier for men to leave. Perhaps there is something innate in them that believes that the DC's would be better off with M and yet they can still provide the financial security and the emotional support to DC's part time. Maybe it is simply down to self confidence. I wouldn't like to speculate as each individuals circumstances would be different.

OP I've been there, and even though people were telling me to leave (in a supportive way) on here, it really wasn't easy.

We were together a long time and I didn't think I could afford it, I stayed for the kids etc etc.

In all honesty I'm not sure I would ever have had the courage to leave! I came close but couldn't actually do it.

In the end he left me, though in his head it's mutual as even though he had it all worked out, he asked me if there was anything I thought we could do to change things

It wasn't until he moved out that I realized how controlling he was and how much I walked on eggshells around him.

These last few months haven't been easy, but everyone keeps telling me how well I look, how much more confident I am and how I'm always smiling now.

Could you perhaps get some counseling for yourself, it helps to talk it through with someone impartial.

I've just left my husband after 25 years together. It has been terrifying, but I finally feel free. What really helped me was reading Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It really helped me work out what my boundaries were and realise that I wasn't over reacting, even though he tried to make me feel that I was. Regarding the intense sadness of a break up, it helps me to remember that I'm grieving what ought to have been and not what actually is or was. My counsellor told me that it's very easy to allow life to happen to you. The hardest thing is to believe that you can actively take charge of what happens next because it means taking responsibility for your own happiness and that's hard when you've lived with handing your happiness to someone else. But I want you to know that you can absolutely make the change, and that it will hurt like hell initially, but nothing lasts for ever. The hot flash of pain is better than the slow relentless ache of staying put.

I was left after an LTR. It was absolute hell. I didn't know how I'd get through/over it. 16 months down the line, I'm ok. I think I'm even happier. I'm still adjusting, but I feel good about the future and even though I'm on my own, I'd rather that than be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I think I realise how difficult it must be for someone to actually leave a relationship, but it has to be done if one of you isn't happy in it.