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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to put on clean pants every day ?

27 replies

julessussex · 05/05/2017 21:34

I not think so, he does. I just don't understand it. I do all the washing, he has plenty of clean clothes and yet he just can't be bothered, my husband takes his clothes off and they stay where they fall, on the floor on his side of the bed all night, he then puts them all on again in the morning. It's been a struggle for me to insist that he has a shower occasionally, he was reluctant. Now I grab the clothes when he is asleep, run quickly downstairs and bung them in the machine. He gets cross if he realises I have done this, I just don't get it, I think he is just lazy and im utterly sick of it

OP posts:
colouringinagain · 05/05/2017 21:36

YADDDDNBU! Yuck!

PickAChew · 05/05/2017 21:37

Ugh. He's a pig. Not sexy at all.

WanderingTrolley1 · 05/05/2017 21:39

Grim.

GoldfishCrackers · 05/05/2017 21:41

I hope he doesn't expect sex

ForalltheSaints · 05/05/2017 21:42

Haven't had a thread like this before? And universally condemned this smelly man.

Funnyonion17 · 05/05/2017 21:44

Surely he must smell?

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2017 21:47

I would assume he didn't want sex and did want to sleep on his own.

Original poster
julessussex · 05/05/2017 21:48

I do all the housework, shopping and cooking. Ok, I am a stay at home mum but he is at home too, he works in the garage, we converted it into a home office. He won't let me clean it, I can't even go in there it is so disgusting. He shows no pride or interest in our house. He won't let me spend any money on the house. It desperately needs some work and yet if I ask him to do stuff in it he gets angry and starts shouting at me to do it myself if I want it doing. So I have to decorate too.
I feel like I am papering over cracks in a dead marriage. It's hopeless and I am so unhappy and yet I feel stuck because of our children, he adores them both and is good with them and they adore him, I can't hurt them. I try to put up with it for their sake

OP posts:
NeegansWife · 05/05/2017 21:51

Uuurgh, uuurgh and thrice uuurgh!!!!! Has he always been this disgusting?

Original poster
julessussex · 05/05/2017 21:59

Yes he has always been this disgusting, was worse actually when I met him. He can be absolutely lovely at times and at other times utterly horrid to me. I have told him how disgusting I find his behaviour, he just says that he hasn't got anything else to put on which is absolute rubbish.

Last year his mum died and he stayed at her house in the final days, his sister was there too. His sister complained to me that she noticed he didn't wash or change his clothes for a week. I said welcome to my world, I have argued with him so much about it, I am so sick of it and long to have time in my own away from him, I had to push him into going to visit his dying mum, he didn't want to go! It was bliss when he was away ...

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/05/2017 22:01

Leave him and he can still have a good relationship with the DCs while they get a hygienic house to live in...

WeeMcBeastie · 05/05/2017 22:06

Yuck! Definitely not! My EXH was exactly the same. I did the same sneaking down and washing clothes when he was asleep. He wouldn't shower every day either (sometimes he could go for a week without showering) If I ever mentioned it, he would tell me that I was just being nasty! Hmm It really put me off him big time, especially as I have a very strong sense of smell, it was one of my examples of unreasonable behaviour for my divorce too!
I don't see him these days (luckily) but according to my daughters he smells even worse now! He's also getting married to his OW! I can only assume she has no sense of smell! Grin
The hygiene is one thing but it seems as if he's not much of a husband either. The children will be fine and can still have a good relationship with him if you separate.

MajesticWhine · 05/05/2017 22:06

You really don't have to put with this. Bless you for trying. But really you don't have to.

Njordsgrrrl · 05/05/2017 22:28

LTB.

Awful. Disrespectful and just, horrible.

Good luck.

PickAChew · 05/05/2017 22:39

it was one of my examples of unreasonable behaviour for my divorce too!

Me too. Ex basically had a bath when I ran one for him on a Sunday afternoon.

jules don't be afraid to leave the pig. He can stew in his own bodily fluids without offending you. Any upset to the kids by the change in situation will be offset by living with a mum who is happy with her lot and not mistreated. Long term, you don't want them witnessing the way he treats you and learning that that's how relationships work. Their long term, lifelong, happiness will most likely be improved by seeing that you don't have to put up with that sort of shit.

SleepingTiger · 05/05/2017 23:00

Who can work in a home office, support a family, and not meet anybody?

What does he do?

FreeNiki · 05/05/2017 23:08

Yes he has always been this disgusting, was worse actually when I met him.

Them I am afraid you have no one to blame but yourself.

He had poor personal hygiene when you met him and he hasn't changed.

You tacitly accepted his behaviour at the beginning and now here you are.

Original poster
julessussex · 05/05/2017 23:19

He does IT stuff, he's well paid, a really intelligent guy, just an absolute slob. I'm always hoping I can make him change, I plead, beg and shout at him to change and see how this is affecting me.

I think he is stuck, he lost his first wife to cancer, she was only 39. He was devastated and has never got over it. It's as if he doesn't see anything in life worth living for since he lost her, he is here in person but not really present if that makes sense.

It's very hard because I have asked him to leave, I know that our marriage is hopeless, I was not in a good place when I met him, I had just lost my dad whom I was very close to and we came together through shared grief.
It's an absolute mess, we have 2 beautiful children who we both adore and would hate to hurt, we do agree on that. I have asked him for a separation but he refuses to leave or cooperate. I sought legal advice and I was told that I'd be forced to sell our home and split the proceeds, I put most of the money into our house when we bought it and I resent losing this.

Sometimes he can be lovely and really supportive and then I am left feeling confused and I doubt my own judgement of the situation,

OP posts:
Winterflower84 · 05/05/2017 23:30

If you don't want to leave him, can you try a different strategy? Put all of his clean underwear somewhere near his bed and kindly ask him to shower and change it daily? Will he appreciate if you talk to him nicely, just saying that you would very much like him to smell fresh and that he needs to set an example for kids?

FreeNiki · 05/05/2017 23:32

Why did you marry him and have kids with him when he has bad hygiene and is still grieving his first wife?

What do you get out of this?

twattymctwatterson · 05/05/2017 23:47

You are going to have to bite the bullet regarding the house if he won't leave. You can't make him change and he sounds grim. Cut your losses

croquetas · 06/05/2017 00:05

Mental illness maybe?

Ignoring personal hygiene can sometimes be a sign of mental health issues, try to get him to see Gp for possible referral.

Original poster
julessussex · 06/05/2017 00:09

It's not that simple. He is very clever and will manipulate the situation. Also I know he will try for shared custody because he adores the kids, they are all he cares about and I don't want them living part time with him in his filthy house. At least this way I have some control over the situation. He rarely speaks to me but I don't care, I talk to myself a lot and I listen to music and read in the evening. I do feel incredibly lonely but I couldn't cope with losing my children. Also if I am not around he wouldn't cook a meal, he can't be bothered and I couldn't cope with the children being in that situation. I do all the cooking and cleaning, I take care of all their needs and although he wouldn't neglect them, he loves them it wouldn't be anything near my standards

OP posts:
PickAChew · 06/05/2017 00:20

he's obviously not that clever if he can't work out how to make himself not smell abhorrent.

And he won't get shared custody - not if he wants to keep on working. i doubt if he'd even be arsed with it, tbh.

FreeNiki · 06/05/2017 01:52

He already had all these problems when you met.

He hasnt changed and isnt going to change.

So the question is can you live with it or not