Without doubt I have been kicking myself for not questioning things more. There were two hard facts that had I questioned more I could have saved myself a lot of grief. I did question these things myself but didn't question ex as I believed her and to have questioned her would have shown massive distrust.
The timeline for this tale of woe is as follows..
Health warning!! SPEED READERS ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT!
May2016 Single since Sept 2015 but still living with ex1 and our 3 kids as I organise finances to purchase my own separate home. Ex1 continues to see the man she had the affair with. Met ex2 on online dating, hit it off, met up every other day from the off.
(Hope reducing individuals to ex1 ex2 doesn't seem derogatory, just don't want to use names, don't have the imagination at this hour on a Saturday to make up fake ones!)
Ex2's story was that DH killed himself the previous year and was now living back with her parents as didn't want to live alone in their rented apartment.
June Ex1 gets a fb message from a fake account (troll) saying I was seen on a date. I get abusive threatening message from ex1s bro. Unfortunately ex1 never wasted an opportunity to give me a kicking behind my back, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth but happy to tell anyone who will listen that I'm controlling, mean and all the rest.
I confront troll online and ask her had she anything to say for the hassle caused. Trolls response is vile abuse, naming my address, threats of violence, threats of reporting me to my kids sports club as being unfit to be around children etc. I chat to police about this, and actually confront (in the nicest possible way) one mother in my kids class with same name as trolls kid to give her heads up that I was going to police. I was an extremely upsetting time, and all the while ex2 was providing emotional support, us both rattling our brains to figure out who troll was, ie who spotted us on the date. ex2 mentioned two people she spotted that night so I went off on a fb wild goose chase their too.
August Had some lovely dates with ex2, but lots of silly arguments, that she was happy to drag out and not let go. Ridiculous stuff, complete downers. On one hotel break I message ex1 to say I won't be staying at house and ok to bolt the door. Ex2 hits the roof! Mind blowing rant for 40 mins before bed. Two hours later wakes me, demands to be driven home now that I've had time to sober up, again another 40mins mind blowing rant.. extremely distressing, I didn't say a word except to end the relationship and return her to her car. A couple of days later I sent her an email, pretty much a love letter saying I hope she's ok, that her reaction of my benign text to ex1 was a massive and scary overreaction, and that how my heart was breaking for what she had been through regarding her DHs death. A couple of letters to-and-fro and we're back together. Still volatile, ended again in late August, she ended it out of the blue.. very upsetting as I had fallen for her and we had great chemistry. I excused her erratic behavior as not having dealt properly with husbands death (how could she have, it was so recent).
September She's looking to give it another go, I agree, but at the time I'm over at a friends and we're having a few drinks, kicking ball with a plan to head into town. She messages and included in the message was a glib comment asking was I heading to a particular pub where I had previously got a date. I responded to the message but ignored the glib remark. Hours later I get a fuck you message saying I was playing mind games by not addressing said glib remark. I (drunk myself) responded with some kind of explanation and said I wouldn't hold that comment against her.
Next morning I get a message from her telling me she's going emailing ex1 about my finances, house plans, the fact that I had sought legal advice regarding my position as an unmarried Dad. She then tells me she's pregnant and any contact I have will be through solicitor and any meetings she'd be accompanied by her Dad etc. The next couple of weeks were hell. Many conversations, messages arguments with me arguing why we wouldn't work as a couple (four breakups in four months) and I didn't thing this baby wasn't a good idea (and she had been on the pill). Eventually she agreed to have a termination but it had to happen quick as her parents now knew and would stop her. She didn't have access to money. I offered to travel with her but she wouldn't go for that. I gave her money for termination, flights for two and hotel accommodation (pretty much all my summers savings). She gave me scant details on what would happen next including timeline. I knew the approximate details but verified she was still turning up to work when she was supposedly out of the country. I began to question her after the fact, looking for proof, anything that she had actually been pregnant. She agreed to meet up chat things through.. It was hugely important to me to find I was I responsible for a termination. I needed closure. She told me I had it but I told her the 29th April (due date) comes around every year. I didn't buy her excuses as to why her car was still at work, I even emailed her correspondence for the airport which confirmed that there was no flight to that city on the day she claimed she traveled. Still no admission.
October Got a message saying hi. I replied hi, next night car tires slashed. I took it upon myself to contact a gentleman through fb that she went on two dates with prior to me. She had talked about this guy a lot and how he had upset her by saying she needed help. He said all the while she was seeing me she was messaging him saying she was pregnant, that he'd ruined her life! Even left a pregnancy test box in his letter box. She had given him a different name and had told him it was a boyfriend that had committed suicide.
December Her two date ex emails me to tell me he's since found out she's still happily married and living with hubby. Hubby is a solicitor, works for the same company she told me dead DH works for. She's from a different county and not 5 miles out the road like she led me to believe.
Jan2017 Bumped into her in shop. Confronted her in carpark over her bullshit. She denied everything, until I pulled out phone and showed her with actual hubby on wedding day (she had previously shown me picks of DH, they look nothing alike). She gave me the sob story, hubby always away, lonely etc. I told how I also figured out she was also the online troll that caused me all that distress last summer. She admitted it and dismissed it like it was nothing. Still maintains she was pregnant. To admit the truth would involve accepting responsibility for the distress she caused and would also involve returning my money.
March2017 spotted driving brand new luxury car.
Today While I'm seeing someone new, lovely and sound I feel that I'm expending too much negative energy on feeling being wronged by ex2. I'd love to forget her, forget the money but it's a lot easier said than done. I guess I'm worried that I'd do something stupid like email her DH, or the school where she works as to her carry on!
I kinda feel that if I could understand her, like if I spoke to a mental health professional and they said 'Yeah, sounds like she's got xyz. She's a victim of her condition and these people have a tough life', then maybe I'd be more accepting of her shocking treatment of me.
Anyway, thanks for reading x