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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Need help writing a text to ExH

25 replies

Ladygaggia · 05/05/2017 15:55

Basically - I took him to CMS as he hadn't paid me any maintenance. He was very angry about this and has refused to work with them.
Long and short of it is that they have accessed his bank accounts and withdrawn money to give me for this month's calculation of maintenance.

He was very angry when he found out and has been texting me - telling me that I am being vindictive and he refuses to do Collect and Pay and pay the 20% fee for doing so.

My answer has always been - I don't trust you to agree to pay me direct as you have never shown that you are capable to do this.

He is now saying that his girlfriend has offered to pay me monthly instead (half what CMS have calculated is sufficient)

I can't decide whether to just ignore him, or to come up with a long text telling him that I think their offer is insulting and to leave her out of it.
He has already lied and told me he isn't working at the moment.
He basically has threatened - take the offer and stop going through CMS collect and pay, or get nothing.

He doesn't regularly see our kids either. Once a month for a few hours and never at the same time... Useless fuckwit

OP posts:

paap1975 · 05/05/2017 16:03

Ignore, but keep the texts. Let CMS deal with him. He'll just keep messing you around

Roundandroundwegoagain · 05/05/2017 16:05

I would tell him what I thought, but then I am impulsive when furious angry.

Actually I would tell the CMS he's being non compliant as they have far more power than the CSA (both are shit but comparatively) and he he keeps dicking you about he will end up heavily penalised.

Tell him what you think but continue down the official route until the he gets the message you're not messing about.

This is money for his children ffs he's a bellend.

inlectorecumbit · 05/05/2017 16:06

Carry on as you are.
Do not under any circumstances go with the girlfriend offer.
Just ignore but keep the text--do not respond.

Fabellini · 05/05/2017 16:08

Dp had similar issues with his ex (dsd2 has chosen to live with her dad), but after she had her wages arrested one month, she was much better.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 05/05/2017 16:08

What kind of df asks his gf to support his dc???
Cms all tbe way.
And if he doesn't need to contact you regarding access arrangements just block him altogether.

PollytheDolly · 05/05/2017 16:26

Well he should have thought of this before, shouldn't he?

Too late now.

user1492528619 · 05/05/2017 16:29

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, OP.
I would advise you would ignore, if he persistently contacts you then report him.

If you want to reply and not ignore personally I would say something along the lines of 'our children are worth more to me than half of the court's decision,'

willconcern · 05/05/2017 16:31

I would ignore but keep it. Report his threats and non-compliance to the CMS. Do not accept his ridiculous offer!

SandyY2K · 05/05/2017 17:08

I'd ignore and show the messages to CMS.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2017 17:34

Fuck him. Keep all of his messages and show them to CMS.

SheldonsSpot · 05/05/2017 17:35

Ignite and forward all of his messages to the CMS.

SheldonsSpot · 05/05/2017 17:36

*Ignore

LucyLocketLostIt · 05/05/2017 17:47

I agree. Ignore and keep texts.

Huskylover1 · 05/05/2017 17:48

Well, you don't have to reply at all. Certainly don't agree to less than CMS have calculated, that would be bonkers! If you feel you have to reply, how about this:

"Dear Ex. I am not cancelling the case with CMS. It cost me £20 to set up, and, given that you have missed payments in the past, I would not be confident that you would pay on time going forward. I cannot reduce the amount agreed upon, because I need this money to contribute towards the children's up keep. Naturally, I have no desire to take money from your GF, as that would be completely inappropriate given that they are your children and not hers. The CMS case is now up and running and there is no need for us to communicate about this any further"

alonsypot · 05/05/2017 18:05

"Thanks for your messages, I'm forwarding them to CMS to sort it all out, that's what they're there for - to make sure neither one of us is being unfair. All the best."

R2G · 05/05/2017 18:10

There is a middle option where the CMS assess what he owes and then he pays you directly. It is legally binding however and if he defaults they can then move to the collect service with 20% charge and 4% charge to you. As he is difficult to deal with and doesn't understand contributing to his children's upbringing stick with CMS and limit contact.

Offred · 05/05/2017 18:13

Yeah, ignore and let CMS deal with it. Keep texts and records of contact/failure to pay.

The advantage of using CMS is meant to be that you let them deal with a crap dad for you, well at least with the money bit.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 05/05/2017 18:13

Ignore

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2017 18:14

In a situation always picture your texts or emails being read out in court. Better to not say anything than to respond in an angry way (though I wouldn't blame you for that.)

ladylambkin · 05/05/2017 18:18

Ignore and don't reply to him.

Don't show/send texts to CMS! It's not required they have a process that will be followed to secure child maintenance for your child/children

Notmyrealname85 · 05/05/2017 18:26

Could say "We need to be responsible for our DC and this seems to be the most effective way, their security needs to be the priority. I have already told you for the need to pay what is owed them. Unfortunately CMS was obviously required after multiple attempts [try and specify number of times you approached him about payment]. In future please deal with them direct"

As if his gf would be a definite and reliable source of the funds, sack that off immediately!

If you ignore he might twist it and say "oh she doesn't communicate with me". Anyone would know to dismiss that but this shows you're being civil when you're up against a numpty. And save screenshot so fast all messages to show the stellar record you have

Shoutout to anyone going through similar problems, do not know how you cope OR how a parent can try and opt out of basic financial responsibilities like this, ugh!!

Notmyrealname85 · 05/05/2017 18:27

Ps agree you don't need to show CMS but if he tries being difficult with them you can pull up these messages and say you've been patient, you've remained civil throughout, you've tried dealing with him direct and it doesn't work

lookatyourwatchnow · 05/05/2017 18:48

What a stupid cunt.

Ask him to do his bargaining directly with the CMS. See how that washes with them.

NotTheFordType · 05/05/2017 19:31

I think I'd probably just reply with 😂

Original poster

Ladygaggia · 06/05/2017 08:42

Thank you everyone!
I have so much going on at the moment that this issue feels worse than it probably should.

I used to be direct pay with CMS but he never sent me money so it moved to collect and pay.

I have sent angry texts telling him to stop harassing me and deal directly with the CMS prior to this last one.
There's really nothing to say, is there?

I actually feel quite sorry for his girlfriend. He was financially and emotionally manipulative to me...it looks like she is getting similar treatment

OP posts:

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