Divorcing for 2nd time

[Yogayear]

My 2nd marriage is ending and I feel such a failure.I believe it's the right choice as my stbxh became emotionally abusive and I've been desperately unhappy.My family are supportive but I feel such a failure and wonder what is wrong with me.

I married first time at a young age, 21 to my first serious boyfriend.We both drank and socialised but as we approached 30 his drinking became a problem and I realised he was heading in the same direction of his father who was an alcoholic.We had a beautiful daughter and his drinking was impacting her so I took the decision to leave.
Her and I thrived for several years and she is now a very successful young adult so feel it was the right decision.Her dad has continued his path and is barely functioning due to alcohol.We had a good relationship post separation.

I was single for 4 years and when I met H.
He was also divorced with a child.He had married at a similar young age so felt I understood why the marriage failed.His ex however was extremely hostile to him which I now realise was a red flag.He never spoke badly of her but equally was never positive.
I think biological clock may have been a reason to marry H but he was also ultra charming and appeared to adore me.We did not rush commitment and only married after being together 8 years.
A number of changes happened around the same time, marriage, us buying a place together, ds being born and H going into a very high earning egotistical job.Whatever the trigger it was like a switch went off for H he became angry, blaming and seemingly full of contempt for me.
H had an abusive childhood, I suspect his mum has mental health issues as was almost sadistic at times to her children.H had counselling for over a year but it just seemed to make him angrier.

We would have periods of being ok but in the last year it ramped up and at times I felt afraid as he was menancing and completely emotionally detached.I suspected an affair but since we separated no one has appeared.He also doesn't look like a man who has OW.

I have had counselling and it seems I might not fully value myself but I wonder if I'm just naive and have zero man sense.I am now in my 50s and can't imagine being alone for life but equally don't trust my judgement to get involved with anyone else.
I never thought H would be aggressive, at worst I thought he could be boring and emotional cold but never like he has been.

It's hard to reconcile "me" with 2 failed marriages.Is anyone similar and have they managed to make peace with their life and the choices they made?

I'm so sorry. It sounds as though your second husband has unresolved trauma from his shitty childhood. Poor him of course but he does need to bear responsibility for not ending the cycle of abuse. He will have to get his bottom back to counselling and stick with it this time until he works through all his unprocessed grief, instead of dumping it on the person closest to him.

Why don't you fully value yourself?

So much similarities to my own situation and am coming out of the other side now and actually getting the divorce in motion. Mostly just empathy and hand holding from me. It does get better and just take the time to work on yourself.

What I realised through counselling is that in my family I was the "helper", despite being the middle child I was deemed the 2nd mum.I feel I've often ignored my feelings, certainly red flags and believe I have to tolerate others.
I thought I had done enough work on myself before meeting H but realise I still ignored my feelings..he was so keen on a relationship and when I had doubts I felt I should push through.His feelings were more important than mine..when my first h proposed I felt it was "bad" to turn him down, despite not being keen..I was 19 at the time however and had just lost a parent so felt vulnerable.
2nd H really appeared the most gentle man, no one would suspect him of ever being unkind but he directed all his venom to me.MN and Lundy helped me realise it was abusive.For years I tried to placate him, walking on eggshells blaming myself until I had a lightbulb moment.
My sister who I am close to encouraged me to leave as felt at times he was very damaging.
I guess I feel judged for 2 failed marriages and even just talking about it on here helps.

I think you probably judge yourself far more than anyone else would think of doing so Yogayear.
No one else was in those relationships with you, no one else knows exactly how things were for you.

Aww, Yogayear. You did the right thing. There is no shame whatsoever on calling time on an abusive situation. Well done.

So at least you know you feel inclined to rescue people (you say in your family of origin you were the "helper"). And it's really good that you recognise that you can deny your own feelings. You won't let a partner's feelings become more important than your own feelings. You will trust your instincts.

Noone will ever judge you as harshly as you are judging yourself. Make yourself the most important thing in your life. Always.

I've also had two divorces. I don't see it as a failure. My second marriage was long, and I think there was a lot of good that came from it, so I don't regret it but I don't regret divorcing either.

Now also in my 50s, at the moment I'm very happy being single - it means I can concentrate fully on my business and my kids. I just don't have room for a relationship. I still have a house full though (a couple of my adult children as well as teenagers) so perhaps in the future I'll feel differently.

I'd far rather have had two divorces than be still stuck in a 25 - 30 year marriage that has been miserable or even just blahh for most of that time (which at least two of my friends are).

Please be forgiving of yourself - all you can do is make the best decision you can at the time with the information you have available. Just because your marriages didn't last forever doesn't mean there was anything wrong with your original decision. And everything you have learned about yourself so far will help to make future relationships better.

Hi OP I'm currently go through much of the same. I too have been the "helper" in both my marriages and now facing the consequences. There were obvious red flags in both my marriages which I chose to ignore.
My father was very distant and emotionally abusive to my mother and I married to men who were similar types to him. I am now looking forward to being single again.
Like you, this wasn't how I saw myself, being divorced twice, but as Lizziej4 says it's better to start again as a single woman than be stuck in a long and miserable marriage.

Thank you all, your responses are really appreciated.I think what has resonated is to forgive myself and that I made the best decision that I could at the time.I will try to take it on board.

I have a very supportive family and strong network of friends and recognised for having empathy and can build long term friendships..just seem to lose sense when it comes to men.I tend to accept poor behavior rather than run from it.

I see feedback on threads saying "Run for the hills" and I often hope the women do!
If anyone has doubts about a partner and haven't yet committed I would say trust your instinct and value yourself. Get out as staying makes it more painful and it usually gets worse not better.You don't need firm reasons, your instinct is usually enough.

I don't believe it makes you a failure.
In fact you doing the opposite to that.
You are making a happy life for yourself away from abusive men.
That's a success.
Did you ever do the Freedom Programme?
If not then call Womens Aid and enrol.
It will help you with future relationships.
You've done exactly the right thing for you and your DC.
That's NOT failure!

You are NOT a failure. You're a fighter who is smart enough to get out of an abusive situation. There is a bright, happy future waiting for you!

you are not a failure! you are not the same person as you were in your twenties or thirties!

if your H changed why should you be ashamed of it? he is unpleasant and you deserve peace and quiet at home and not "walking on eggshells" scenario!

life is too short to keep yourself in this situation

Feel very similar. Two divorces and in my 50s. If feel a failure as well. Is it me? Not sure what I want out of a relationship any more, whether I can trust anyone ever again or whether anyone will want me? but I don't want to be on my own. I just see my friends in happy marriages and feel so sad.