Need a hand hold

[NapoleonsNose]

I've just told DH he needs to get help with his anger issues or we're over. It's my birthday and I feel fragile and emotional. Not how I want to feel at all.

He's always had a quick temper and talks to me and the DC sometimes like we're shit on his shoe. I've been thinking about our relationship for some time but things came to a head yesterday when he got angry at work with a colleague in front of a client and was given a written warning for his behaviour. I've decided things can't go on. We need him to keep this job and I'm sick of walking on eggshells.

He's not happy about it, but has agreed to go I think. I want to make this work but I'm feeling really crap and low.

Just want a safe place to talk really. No one in real life knows - all our friends and family think we are rock solid.

This sounds really hard for you. Is there anyone you trust in real life to confide in? Keeping up appearances is very overrated.
Well done for calling him out on his behaviour. I think you'd do well to use the time reflecting on your relationship and what you need from it, and how you're behaving too.

Even if you love this man (which I'm sure you do), you need to really consider the effect this will have on your child. I grew up in a household where my father had anger problems and my mum was ignorantly passive. I grew up to hate my dad and still carry a huge amount of resentment for my mum, although we have a good relationship now. Give him one chance and then be gone if he doesn't step up. For your child's sake please!

Hi - I think you did a brave thing to suggest counselling and glad he has agreed to this (although sounds rather grudgingly). But now that he has, I think you owe it to him to try it and see if it makes a difference, AND as suggested, at the same time, also get your ducks in a row and leave him if it doesn't. You deserve to be happy, not walking around on eggshells all the time. Good luck and let us know what happens.

PS: Happy birthday!

🍷🤡🥂🍾 happy birthday!!
Write your husband a letter telling him how he makes you feel when he talks down to you and the affect it is having on your relationship and that if things don't improve then you will be leaving.
He dosnt sound like a very happy man, is his job stressful?
I'm not exscusing his behaviour and he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it but he sounds like he has lost his respect for himself and you.

Thank you for the replies.

I've been to work today which stopped me thinking about it for much of the time. I was worried I'd be a bit tearful as I was crying all the way there, but it was fine.

He's serious about the counselling and has been in touch with an organisation in our area who provide anger management courses on the NHS. I do love him and want to make it work. One DC is away at uni and the other is 17 so not babies. He doesn't have a stressful job, its manual type work with limited responsibility. He is ex-forces and found life outside the mob hard to adjust to which I think doesn't help.
I am prepared to leave though if he doesn't change and he knows this.

Did he see active service, could the anger actually be PTSD?

I mean in any case he has to deal with it. Properly, with the right therapy.

Do you know of the reasons behind his anger? Is it forces related?

I gave my dh the same ultimatum. He wasn't shouty with the dc but he was quick to anger with me and others. It was always there under the surface. I knew the reasons why. Anyway he saw a counsellor and he's honestly a different person. The anger is gone. He gave the counselling everything though. He really worked hard at it and missed it when it was over. There is hope if he really wants to tackle it.

I gave my exh the same ultimatum, he did two joint sessions but as soon as they said you need personal counselling, he ran for the hills...
I divorced him.

If he is ex forces I think this isn't uncommon. They miss the company of other servicemen, have little respect for civvies etc. Could you speak to someone at the British Legion, SSAFA or combat stress? But no it's not acceptable for you. You shouldn't have to put up with it.

Thanks What I hadn't thought of getting in touch with the RBL or similar. I think you have hit the nail on the head though. Will give them a go as well.