What do you do when you know you should separate from your husband but are totally and utterly terrified of doing it? So you just don't do it.

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I am running out of excuses not to go ahead with my plan. But it really feels as if I will be pointing a gun and my head and pulling the trigger if I do it.

It would be easier to walk away from my life instead.

Talk to someone about it.

Why does the idea of leaving feel so difficult?

What are the reasons you want to leave?

Do you mean you fear for your life if you leave him?

One day you'll be ready to do what you need to do. It took me too many years. Keep the faith. You can do this.

Because I am honestly scared that I will not be able to cope with the emotional trauma of it and will have a nervous breakdown.

Even though our marriage is a really bad example for our dc, the thought of unleashing a separation on everyone is terrifying.

And I know that my H will make things very difficult. I just don't know in what way yet.

And the thought of being excluded from the things the dc do with him in the future is very painful.

No I don't fear for my life. He will be very angry and god knows how he will behave and what he will say to me, but I am not scared of him physically.

What would have to happen to improve your marriage? Could you have counselling?

Had just typed a long response and then lost it. Will try again.

When, on balance, you'd rather choose to not see the kids all the time than deal with him and the negative impact it's having on all of you, then you know what to do. He may behave badly and say terrible things, but that's only in the short term.

You will know if the marriage is dead or worth trying to save, in your heart, your gut. If it's dead, let it go, sooner rather than later.

I know exactly how you are feeling. For years I've wanted to split from my dp but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Lots of reasons - didn't want to split kids from their dad, finances, thought I couldn't cope, worried I'd regret it. The excuses were endless.
I'm now currently in the process of separation. Can't explain what finally kicked my arse but I just reached the point where I couldn't carry on anymore. My stbxp is being really awful and vile and making things very difficult but, you know what, now I've made the decision its like a weight has been lifted.
Maybe you just haven't quite reached that point yet but you will.

Just leave him. I PROMISE you are making it much worse in your head than it will actually be. Your husband can only torture and bully you if you let him. A year from now you could have a while new life.

Women's Aid. The clue is in the name. Call your local WA office (on their site).

You can do it Stanley

I was like that for years - finally got the courage in July 2016. I've cried, I've been angry, despondent, stressed, scared, lonely but I know if was definitely the right thing to do. My children have both come to me and said they're happier and that I'm more fun than ever!

Can I ask why you don't feel as capable as the millions of other women who have left their marriages?

You don't seem to have a high opinion of yourself?

OP: I was you, for 3 miserable years. 21 years together. I have been gone three months. When I told ex he said "I won't make this easy for you you know", and he hasn't. But I still deal with him on a mainly amicable level (as best as possible), mixed in with his anger, resentment, bitterness etc.

Your head is a mess, your brain in a FOG. You know you need to leave but you are paralysed with fear. Start writing a list, write down why you want to lave and what is stopping you and work through the list one by one. Mentally or in a practical way. Two things prevented me from leaving earlier, one was guilt and a feeling he needed me and if I left his world would fall apart and worrying about splitting the kids and finances. I worked through not having the kids 100% in my head by deciding that they would be better off in the long run having us living apart. They didn't need to listen to their dad emotionally abuse me and treat me like shit. They didn't need an unhappy mother. They needed a mother who could focus on them, not focus on trying to tip toe around their father all the time and get the hair dryer treatment for wanting to go to the gym or burn toast. I was right about that one, better all round.

The guilt was a much tougher one, and I am learning still slowly, that it all boils down to how much I love myself. I decided I deserved better. I got myself physically stronger by joining a gym, and mentally I started to read and talk. Both have helped massively.

I really recommend taking a look at Lundy's book "Why does he do that" and also "should i stay or should I go". I wish I bought it 3 years ago not after I left but its helping me work through things. I get the reason from you is you are worried about his reaction which tells me he might be emotionally abusive. Can you tell more of what your marriage is like? It will help people try and see your situation.

I hope I am not off the mark here.

Oh and even though I have been through the emotional ringer and I am far far away from being in a good place. My mum said to me last night after going to a concert for her birthday. "Its good to have you back". I asked her what she meant and she said with tears in her eyes "you haven't been my XXX for years darling". It made me feel sad and happy at the same time. Sad for all the years I have wasted trying to make things worse.

And although I am still having a tough time convincing myself daily it was the right thing to do, deep down in my gut I know I am happier, more relaxed, and I made the right decision. You can do this, you just have to be practical about it and do it your way.

Hi Op

I have written your post and had that same dilemma.

25 years married. 2ds. 2 years weekly marriage guidance counselling whilst living in the same house albeit separate bedrooms.

My h was controlling, abusive - mentally and financially.

I became ill - mentally ill with panic attacks and extreme anxiety.

And like you I didn't know what to do. I tried very hard to make my marriage work. But it takes more than you. I told him 3 years ago that I didn't love him anymore and I was done.

Two years of a horrendous and costly divorce.
He didn't want to let go of the control he had over me. But I have never looked back. I am in a new relationship with someone who adores me. For the first time in my 50 years I feel loved. And it's such a fantastic feeling.

Both my sons tell me I should have left him years ago. And I should. But I wasn't ready, I wasn't strong enough.

You will know when you are ready. You will just leave and you will have a better life. You will feel loved.

That was me only recently. Endless excuses to myself and fear. I wasn't scared of him but breaking up the family and surviving on my own (especially financially) were the scariest. Also failure I guess? My parents are divorced and idea of copying them didn't fit my picture of my own life. If that makes sense?
Anyway, end Feb I sort of had lightbulb moment, posted here too under different name, replies I got were really helpful emotionally. Then I made an appointment with counselor because I needed to talk things through with someone before talking to H. Didn't want to talk to RL friends as I still feel I need to keep some things private from them. I had four sessions and after the last one I knew I'm strong enough to do it. Day after my birthday I told H it's all over and I can't keep trying anymore, I don't love him etc all of stuff what's been going on.
First couple of weeks I felt so relieved, like weight lifted off my shoulders. Some days I feel scared, some days happy, then sad. But I do know 100% that was the right decision, just wish I'd done it years ago.
OP, I hope you can find the strength to separate if that's what you wish. It really helped me talking to counselor but I know lots of women phone Womens Aid, apparently they are super helpful and supportive.

I was you until 6 weeks ago, been unhappy for a long time but the thought of leaving terrified me.

In the end he left me, and did me a massive favour. It's not been easy but it was nothing like I had built up in my head. I don't know if I would ever have left.

He was I now see emotionally abusive, I'd just normalized his behaviour.

I miss the kids when they are with him, but I knew it was the right thing when someone asked me if there was a chance of us working it out and without even hesitating I said catagorically no!

My motivator was my dd self harming due to the atmosphere,it was then that I had to take the plunge instead of being scared about how I could manage financially.
One year on and decree nisi on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.We still have the financial stuff to sort and his controlling nature is so blindingly obvious now that I'm out.My confidence has returned.Dd needed counselling and is almost there but is also very glad we separated.The sad thing is that he doesn't see her much(that would give me a break and he doesn't want that),he says it's up to her to arrange when he sees her and can't see that she feels rejected and doesn't call incase there's more of the same.
In hindsight I wish I had had the nerve to leave sooner.

He sounds a bully, what right has he got to force you to stay with him, nobody has that right so don't think he has control like that.

I agree with above, I think you are making it out worse in your head when in reality it will probably be quite freeing and liberating for you.