How do I start to leave DH

[velvetcandy]

I don't even know anymore i just need some advice please? I'm not going to go into too much detail...I dont hate him im just not happy and our financial situation is putting too much strain on the relationship. Ive just had baby no4 and feel completely alienated from him. He's a good earner but we have no money. I looked at our online bank statment and theres 67£ here spent on client meals... 140£ there on other expenses.... you get the idea his expenses are litrally taking all our money and then i get it in the neck about spending 3.99£ on new bedsheets for my ds i got told that because ive hired a cleaner for 3 hours a week now to help while i completely recover from my csection that its going to bankrupt us! I litrally spend hardly any money. I havnt had anything new for over a year. Spent my whole pregnancy in tight fitting clothes. Yes he does get his expenses back but its taking over my life to the point where its having ramifications on our living standards. Ive spoke about this before on here and no he can't get a credit card and ive decided against taking one out for him to use for his expenses. Hes also had other financial issues that have put serioua strain on our life.

It's not even about the money. Its about how it makes me feel. I feel constantly anxious and on edge. I dont feel like he considers me or my feelings in any area of his decision making. Im just struggling to see what's the point anymore being with somone who makes me feel shit.

I need to know what steps to take next. As a sahm i have no idea how to start doing this. Should i ask him to move out while we sell the house? Would i be entitled to any financial support to help me for a while? Unless i moved to wales or the ne i couldn't afford a home in this area.

Please help me i need serious advice.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He is being financially abusive. If he gets his expenses back through work, why have you no money? Is he spending on other things?
Firstly, is the house in both names? Do you have any savings you can access?
You can't force him to leave if he jointly (or solely) owns the house and if he did move out, he would still have to pay half the mortgage. Hopefully he will move out without a fight though.
Please go on the entitledto website to find out what benefits you would get. You should get some tax credit and he would have to pay you child maintenance!
If I were you, check out what benefits you could get, then make an appointment with a solicitor (get a free consultation).
A solicitor will confirm everything but, as you are married, you are entitled to a portion of all marital assets - home, cars, savings, his pension etc. Get this advice so you can start to plan how you separate from him.

Yes to all the above - get the advice and get your ducks in a row. Try to stay in the house - it may be hard to find a rental with 4DC with the eligibility criteria a lot of agents now need you to meet (depending where you live) and it will be less upheaval for the DC.

His workplace should have a protocol in place whereby he can access a company credit card if he's expected to claim expenses to this amount regularly; any reputable company will do that. Or petty cash.

Are you sure leaving him is the right way forward? Can the relationship not be salvaged if you and he sit down and work out where the money is going?

Does he have any idea you feel this way? I'm sure he wouldn't want his family to break up, particularly with 4 young dc involved. You must both be pretty stressed with looking after that many - and after a recent cs too! Are you sure these feelings aren't a reaction to all these short term(ish) stresses?

What Changed said. But take out the issue about expenses - would he still be financially abusive and belittle you and 'make you feel like shit'?

Work out what equity you do have in the marriage - it doesn't matter whose name it is in, and everything counts so pensions, equity in house, value of cars, savings, anything you can think of. Have a think about how the two of you would like to live with the children in the future - 50:50 care? or what? Have a serious think about what is financially viable and be aware your and your family's lifestyle will very likely take a hit if you do separate.

My guess is you'll be entitled to Income Support, child tax credits and child benefit (for 2 children) so you should get around the £900 mark a month.
I'm not sure if he pays you if it affects benefits, maybe worth finding out.
Don't stay if you don't want to stay, but you say you've had a C-section recently? How new is DC4? Maybe you're a bit sleep deprived and going through a lot right now and it's making you have a lot less patience (not for the financial stuff but him in general)
He will need to move out as obviously you have 4 children who need security and their mum to be as least stressed as possible.
Give it a think OP, but do not stay if you are unhappy

You can ask him to leave the marital home, you can rent privately if they take housing benefit

You can claim income support, tax credits and child benefit - you should get in the region of £300pw to live on and he will have to pay maintenance for the four DC which is going to be a lot if he's a high earner

He sounds greedy and selfish.

How much is the monthly mortgage?

You say he earns well - how well?
Do you know his annual salary?
How much is the mortgage?
Have you both sat down and looked an incomings Vs outgoings?