Advice please

[Nottsangel2015]

Probably should put this in aibu but am too scared for a flaming lol

I have a pretty decent job and work full time dp is the sahp. There were circumstances which led to this and it suited us.

As I'm getting busier at work arguments are becoming more often. And I really don't know if I am being unreasonable or not

I work 5 days a week but do Mondays and Fridays from home. I work full time hours though. On a Friday dp has to pick dsd up from another town and so leaves about 2.30 to get her. He does not take our youngest dd who is 2 years old. I knock off work for a the time he is gone. During this time I end up cleaning upstairs - the bathroom, dusting upstairs etc... I manage this with dd in tow.

At the weekends I do all the washing and outing clothes away. Mainly I guess I do not trust him. He will occasionally do the bedding if I ask him too although sometimes forgets when is asked during the week I get up Monday to Friday with dd and I also take over with her after work and do bedtime every night including weekends. Dp only does bedtime if I'm specifically out which is once in a blue moon. We each have a lie in at the weekend.

The older kids are chored to wash the pots at the weekend and after school in the week.

Last week he told me he had told them to start tidying the toys up in the living room every night and hoovering every day in the living room.

I'm now beginning to wonder what he is doing with his day. I know he has dd all day but that doesn't mean you can't do any housework.

I often find myself sweeping and mopping the kitchen and hallway in the week because he hasn't done it although I suppose I haven't asked him too.

At 7pm he goes on wow every night. Except Friday and Saturday which are our nights although he still goes on until I've come down from putting dd to bed.

He does cook dinner every night in the week except Fridays which is take away night and I cook at the weekend.

Today we have argued because he is bolloxing older dd for not doing her chores and that she will be doing what she has missed before school to which I disagree and said chores should not be done before school it's too rushed! This also started me off about how he has started getting the kids to do the hoovering and toy tidying and that I'm beginning to think he's having a nice and easy life at home now whilst the kids are doing most of the chores and I'm at work all day!

I obviously shouldn't have done it as an argument but aibu to think he could do more round the house? I literally have to ask him to do stuff and even then he forgets half the time.

We are getting married in June and I just feel Iike I need to get my head right before we do and I Jayant don't know if I'm asking too much?

FYI before we were together was just me and older dd and I worked full time so did literally all the housework and worked as you do when your a single mum. Sometimes I feel like that's what I am still

Would love to hear other people's perspective x

Sounds a bit unfair really

Can you draw up a list of jobs and allocate them

Do daily - weekly etc

I'd put the wedding back a bit unless you can be fair

Thanks for your reply. Will draw up a list of all jobs and see where we go from there. Thank you

Is it a case of him not actually doing sweeping etc, or does it just get messy again really quickly? I know mine would look gross if I just swept/hoovered/mopped/whatever once a week.
What does he do each day? It's a bit much if he can't put the laundry on a few times while you're at work. Does he see you doing bedtime as equivalent to him cooking every night? Who washes up/tidies away? Maybe point out what should be achieved through the day while you're at work.
Have to say I know where you're coming from wrt doing everything (oh away for long periods) and tbh oh has much lower standards of housework, often has to have things pointed out, and even pre-kids couldn't keep to his allocation of the weekly chores

Who does the thinking/planning???

Food shop/meal plan etc?
Household finances
School paperwork etc
Washing thinking/planning

and so on

I do all planning. Shopping (online), finances are ran by me as he is useless. We have a joint account tho so he has access to everything. He smokes I don't but that's not even a matter for this thread lol

I don't actually mind doing the bedtime as love to spend that nice wind down hour with dd after been working all day. He does not do anything unless promoted and even then he doesn't always as he doesn't really like me telling him what to do so have suggested he be pro active but no he doesn't.

He is a good dad but does spend a lot of time watching YouTube and never takes dd out unless he has to like to the shop etc.. I take her to a baby group every Monday and work later to account for it. I don't mind that tho but wish he would take her to the park etc..

In all honesty is very lazy but this is not new he has always been that way but when we were both working full time it bothered me less. Obviously now I'm more resentful about it I think

Thanks everyone for replying.

We are hoping for him to get a job later this year so maybe that will be better for us all.

I have a friend who's just left her H because of a similar situation. She's a nurse working long hours and he agreed to stay home with the kids. She still found herself doing everything on top of her job because he preferred to sit on the PlayStation rather than do anything in the house or with the kids. He thought simply being in the same house was enough, apparently.

So it's your child, not his, who he is making do the chores?

Holdit. I really hope we can sort it before it gets that bad!

Heath yes it is although dsd also does them when she is here at the weekends. We have 1 dd between us who is 2.

Earlier he flipped and told the two older ones not to bother doing any chores as it's his job! Not even clean their room and the went on a cleaning rampage.

I think the kids should do chores but it just felt he kept adding to them and I was a bit miffed about it! Now they think they don't need to do any! Honest it's zero to 100 with him sometimes! Thing is I know next week will be back to square one again!

Maybe I need to just accept this is what some men are like? I just don't want myself to start resenting him more and I feel we really should sort this before we get married which is only in 6 weeks!

I do love him and like I said before he stayed at home things were ok. Maybe it's just me and feeling resentful I have to leave our dd to work and he gets to stay with her. But I do love my job so not sure that makes sense? Omg so confused about it all!

Can you get someone else to care for your dd and then he can get a job?

Sorry he sounds like a lazy waster to me and yes you are right that the resentment will grow unless it's sorted. I bet your older dd doesn't know where she is with his behaviour.

Heath he is frustrating!

The plan is to put dd to nursery later in the year. She was a prem baby and as such both of us have wanted her at home as she has had some issues with feeding and reflux and eczema so has been easier for us to just deal with it but they are all starting to resolve now she's getting bigger and I think it will be good for her! If anything it will give her different scenery than our front room. I'm hoping that now th weather is picking up he will at least take her out to play. To be fair as well I in full agreement for him to stay at home with her as didn't want her to go off to nursery every day :-(

Hopefully we can resolve. In his previous relationship with dsd mum he worked really hard and did nothing but moan about how lazy she was because she wouldn't work. In fact he still moans about it now because she still don't work and her dp is always in and out of jobs. I feel like sometimes saying 'really! Your moaning about them been lazy?!'

Oh well! He's still in a Hump! Kids are happy tho! Lol

I don't know how long you've been together, but I'd really encourage you to try and address this asap. My H has been a house husband pretty much for the whole time of our marriage.and his laziness and failure to contribute to the home in any meaningful way is one of the reasons why we're in the process of splitting up. I left it too late - I'd hate for that to be the case with you.

I used to be the sahp. I never did enough. According to my partner. I used to get the kids to school, then drop off DS2 at nursery. Wait around to pick him up after an hour and 45 minutes, he'd have lunch and perhaps a nap. Then I'd have to collect the other DCs from school around 3. I'd've had to do a couple of loads of laundry in the meantime, some shopping, food/meal prep etc. DH never did DIY (couldn't), though he'd now the lawn.

He left me because I wasn't a domestic goddess and ended up shagging someone from work who was (apparently) and leaving me with 4 kids under the age of 11. So while I'd been going quietly insane being at home, he'd found his freedom.

Giraffey sorry to hear that :-( I hope it doesn't end that way either.

Spanner that sounds horrible! I absolutely don't expect him to be a domestic goddess and of course I appreciate how much time little ones take. He doesn't have a school run to do as older dd is old enough to walk herself as we only live round the corner from school. The only school run he does is a Friday picking his dd up and Monday am taking her back. I just wish he would be a bit more proactive with the cleaning and with looking after dd. And do the few jobs I do ask and not forget. Like the other week when I asked him on a Monday to strip the beds and Hoover upstairs. By Friday he hadn't done it still. I didn't remind him because he's a grown man! Do I really need to remind him to do everything?! Clearly lol

Last night we went to bed he started sprouting that he would get up as sat is his lie in and mine is sunday. I said don't be stupid we get one each because it's fair and what we've always done but no no no I'm busy working I should get all the lie ins! Honestly I don't get! Why does he go to complete extremes! And incidentally he hasn't woken up anyway lol so I've got up because it is my day and he was been bloody ridiculous! Hopefully today will be better!