Marriage over but staying together for practical reasons

[Karen781]

Hi I'm curious about people's experiences of this. When your marriage is over, but you can't leave for practical reasons i.e. Money, debt, children etc. People can leave a relationship anytime in theory, but sometimes it makes sense to wait a while, to hold on untIl child is certain age, or a debt is paid off etc. How do you manage during this waiting period? How did it work out in the long run? Thanks.

I know someone doing this. I couldn't do it personally but I understand why.

I'm still living with STBXH whilst he fucks around, dragging his heels. Horrendous. Are you in this position?

How much poorer will you be if you split? Unless you're going to be near destitute, separation will be a lot less stressful.

I suppose it depends on the relationship though. If you're like good friends and compatible living as housemates then it may be a good alternative so long as you have agreements in place about what you expect from one another in terms of seeing other people. If you're splitting because you can't stand the sight of one another then it would be hell.

I suppose it depends on the relationship though. If you're like good friends and compatible living as housemates then it may be a good alternative so long as you have agreements in place about what you expect from one another in terms of seeing other people. If you're splitting because you can't stand the sight of one another then it would be hell.

This. If you've moved from married couple to just friends I think it could work if boundaries are set but otherwise I think it's a recipe for disaster and will be far worse for all concerned than most other options.

My mother tried this with my father, and it just did not work. He could not respect the boundaries, or be 'just friends' and it was not pleasant. In the end, she left and came to live with me whilst the divorce went through.

I think it depends very much on the people involved, and how the separation happened. It was my mother who instigated it, so my father could never accept it and felt blind sided by the whole thing. If you are separating as part of a mutual agreement, then I think it could work.

It works for me (us). We get on well, communicate reasonably well, and neither of us takes the piss.
When we can afford a situation whereby one of us can live in better than a bedsit, we will revisit the arrangement.

I'm seeing someone, I don't shove it in my h's face. I don't know if he's seeing anyone- I don't think so atm.
We've just agreed to be as respectful as possible to each other.

XP and I did this for 6 months. It was a happy time and we're considering moving back in together as we're best friends just not lovers. This issue is always what if we meet someone else? We can't sustain me renting for much longer so it's coming up to decision time. In the short term it would make us happier I think but not sure about the long term.

I'm sort of in the same situation, although it's not a formal or agreed arrangement- it has just evolved. We have not had sex for 5 years & in my mind it's a parenting arrangement. We communicate about household & child stuff but nothing deeper.

DD will start school in 15 months & once she's at the same school as DS I can sell up & start afresh. I need the time to increase my hours at work & can afford wrap-around school care but not nursery fees.

It's not an ideal situation, but I try to be pragmatic. I cannot afford 2 sets of childcare fees on my own & earn just above the benefits threshold. I cannot pay the mortgage on my own. These 2 things are 1.7K a month alone.

H and I are doing this at the moment, but it's a recent (six or seven months) development. We could separate now, but for housing purposes it would mean one of us renting and the other buying, with the renter unlikely to be in a position to own again. If we can cohabit for a couple of years, that extra 15k or so paid off this mortgage, and another 10k or so saved if I work really hard, may make the difference to the security of our futures. H works away from Tues am to Thurs eve, which helps.

DS is 7, and hasn't got entirely fixed ideas about relationships yet, so I'm encouraging ideas that families can take many forms. A friend at school has parents who are a couple but live in different towns, another close friend has separated parents who live around the corner from one another (what I am hoping for one day), and his cousin has separated parents, so he sees the flexibility families can have. I'd like to be as open about it as possible to 'normalise' it.

God knows how it'll work out, but we'll give it a shot. We're like siblings really - no sex, some bickering, general liking and good conversation, shared history, but not wanting to spend the entirety of our lives in parallel.

I think a clean break so that you can both start again is much happier and healthier

Unless there is a chance of getting back together

Life is too short to be unhappy

Thanks all. My experience is v similar to those you've shared. We get on we'll (mostly) but like brother and sister. He's keener than I am. Am staying with him for reasons similar to those below. It's not that bad, but it's not that good either!

It is like death by 1000 cuts.

swirl I think it's a choice between 2 less-than-ideal situations.

A "clean break" for me means having my DC in separate schools (or having to move DS when he has established friendships), living in poverty, with no support network.

It's the lesser of two evils.

I couldn't do it

I guess I just don't feel that deeply about things. He's alright I could do a lot worse, all just a bit meh. Maybe it's a midlife crisis!!!

My grand parents did it for about 30 years...

A lot of people do this unofficially anyway and never split up.