How Do Couples Make Time for each other when both work

[Babylionn2]

Hi all relationship advice needed!

My OH has started a full time job, which requires him to travel between 2 sites (1.5 hour drive between each) he leaves the house around 6.45 and comes back about 5pm. I'm doing 2 full days a week at college but I've also started a part time job in a salon 2 evenings a week (same days as college) and 9-4.30 Saturday. We've also got a 4 year old daughter.
He complained last night about coming home to me being away working and he seems to be unhappy that we are not spending much time together anymore. I'm trying to tell him it's only 2 nights a week and I don't work on Sunday but he isn't happy.

So everyone tell me, how do you give attention to your relationship when you both lead such busy lives. I don't need to work as he has a good salary but I want to get more experience working in a salon before I start my own business. I don't have the home space or a car to be a mobile therapist so working in the salon is the only chance I've got.

We are getting married in less than two weeks and I'm feeling the strain leading up to this just can't wait until all the wedding planning is over and my college course completed.

Thanks

Sounds as if you do see plenty of each other.What does he want you to do or does he want you to put him first,shelve any ambitions for the future you may have and stay at home?You need to get this clear before you marry.

He sounds possesive. Be warned, having been on the receiving end, it gets worse.

Hmm.
What is it you haven't mentioned?
he seems to be unhappy that we are not spending much time together anymore
Is this code for 'I'm working my arse off keeping child, home, college and work going and he thinks he should be getting more sex'?

The only time DP and I have struggled with this is when he went into full time employment and I was still a student - it was just a different routine. As soon as I started work too (about a year later) it was fine. Most couples work full time before children & plenty do afterwards. You just get used to it.

Agree with a pp he does sound a bit possessive. Be careful.

Hmm is he unhappy that the woman of the house is not at home being the default parent?

My ex was like that. I divorced him. If (and I do say if) it's along those lines I would be wary marrying or having more children with him as it will not get better.

To be honest that seems loads of time to me.

My DH and I both work full time, one of us leaves at 6:30am and the other at 7:30am. Neither of us are home before 6pm.

We have two children and both also so a sport.

DH also travels at least one week a month.

What's your DH's real issue? Having to do dinner and bedtime twice a week?

Sounds like you most evenings together and one weekend day. Do you actually get those evenings together once dd is in bed?

It's really hard to get couples time once you have dc. We have a 3 and 5 yo. They are in bed by 8ish and I'd say we have 3 nights a week where neither of us are out, working or doing chores. This is enough but I'd love some day time when we're not knackered! Probably get a night out together once every 2 to 3 months.

I'd kill for that amount of time together! DP works away in the week. I work FT with a 1 hour commute each way and we have a 1yo and 3yo.
He has 2DC from before so sees them some weekends/evenings if he's home for some reason.
I'm not going to lie, it's a strain. We get very little time together and we joke that we say we could watch a film together and 4 years on we still haven't!

What you are talking about is reasonably normal. I can see that the lack of overlap time between you (e.g. you working eves and sat, him doing week days) is a bit of a shame. However, your DH needs to reframe this as a modern problem and a joint commitment. One day, you may well need both your incomes and you can't take the flack for your hours, it isn't fair.

He doesn't want you to work and is trying to guilt trip you into giving up.

It's probably because he doesn't want to have to look after the children when you are at work.

Tough.

You need to work for your own self esteem and mental health and so that you don't sacrifice your future financial independence in order to comply with his desire to hand over all domestic responsibilities to you while he goes out into the workplace in his manly way.

He'll get used to it if you stand up for yourself. You don't have to justify wanting to work. It's not your job to come up with solutions to his problems. If he complains, put it back on him to come up with solutions. If his only solution is you giving up work, make it clear that is not going to happen.

Let me give you the solution

Don't marry a sexist dick

It's life I'm afraid.

Me and dh both work full time.
He leaves after me in the mornings and gets home about 7 on a good day and on his busy times he gets home anything upto 9.30pm.
I work tues to say and he works mon to fri so the only day we are off with the three dc together is a Sunday.
Week nights we sit down when we eat after sorted kids out,homework,time with them,showers etc etc

We eat our tea anywhere between 8.30 and tonight 10 pm as I was on a late finish.
We get not much time together at all but the time we do get as a family we always do something nice with. Make memories etc.
We last had a two night break away last October And have been out on our own for a meal in February last time.
We look forward to holidays and the summer evenings when the nights are lighter and we can go out and about more.
Life with kids and work is hard but you have to make the most of the time you do get.
Tell him to stop guilt tripping you as your advancing your career just like you support him in his

I agree with another poster, what's the real issue? He's having to do some childcare whilst you are at work? Good on you still working and studying, keep at it!!! Do not become dependent on him. I would advise that to anyone.Sounds like he wants you taking care of the house only??

If he's being possessive, he's a dick.

If he just misses you/feels lonely, then it's fixable. And quite sweet really.

Things like you can both organise some of the following and see what works for you:

Make sure you get a babysitter one night a week or at the weekend just to spend time together.
Schedule a regular phone call each day, at least 10-15 mins if you can, maybe lunchtime.
Emphasise it's just temporary.
Schedule some holidays in the calendar (not going away, just time off work for both of you). Could be something like a long weekend every couple of months til you'really in a position to set up your own business.
Have Dad and DD date nights some the times you're working, so they have proper time together. Could be DVD and popcorn, a sport, going to the park together.
Make sure you both have free time to yourselves when you're not at work.

I read some advice from a long standing marriage guidance counsellor who said that, as a rough guide, basically over time the minimum time commitment for a successful marriage is 15 hours a week. There are outliers of course, and there are times (young kids, work pressures) where that isn't always feasible. And the reason the divorce rate is higher in countries with long working hours is because it gets impossible to fit in 15 hours a week alongside work, kids, exercise etc. Some people manage it on less but they are the exception.

It sounds as though you habe loads of time together.

Dh and I both work full time, but kids are now 18 and 20 so not taking up all our free time. I leave the house at 7.15, back at 5/t.30 most days. Dh leaves the house at 8, back st 6.30.

I leave the house each evening at 6.45pm to go to the gym from 7 - 9pm. So dh and I See each other for 15 minutes! He tends to work in the evenings, I get back from the gym at 9.15, dh usually works until 10. I have a shower and we then both watch the 10 o'clock news together.

We do spend friday evenings together and most of some weekends. Dh does a sport which means he's quite often out all Sunday as he has to travelling distances to compete.

It works for us. I do sometimes think we should spend more time together but actually were quite happy as we are.

Your dh does sound a bit possessive. Does he expect all your attention ?

Sounds like a pretty normal amount of time to see each other to me. I think he just resents having to do the childcare on the 2 nights a week you're not there.

He might just be needing his ego massaging a bit and a bit of TLC...men can be quite pathetic and their needs can be met quite simply with food and beer

I'm glad I'm not married to a man who needs ego massaging and plying with food and beer to be in a good mood!

What are you doing with your evenings when your DC is asleep? I can't figure out why you don't have enough time.

Sounds like he's annoyed your not waiting by the door with slippers and a pipe, dinner on the table etc.