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Relationships

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Original poster

Anniversary of d day.. once forgiven .. do you ever forget?

20 replies

TopangaD · 03/05/2017 23:47

Hello..

So I'm 4 years on post d day finding out about dp affair.. may the 4th be with you..

I have forgiven.. I have struggled.. I have been broken.. I broke hard.. but I am 4 years on.. is this date going to haunt me for the rest of my years?
We have worked hard at our relationship but it was totally out of the blue for me and I broke badly on finding out.

I forgave.. this was hard
How can I forget?

Any sage advice? X

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 04/05/2017 00:08

If you find somebody else you will forget....

AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2017 00:14

To be perfectly honest, yes, the date is always going to affect you in one way or another. Just the same as any other traumatic date in our lives; deaths, injuries, divorces.

And 'forgiving' is not the same as 'forgetting'. We can forgive many things, but we forget none of them. Why should we forget? Every experience we have, good or ill, is a life lesson.

The extent to which you let it 'get to you' is the only thing you can control. You can decide that you are going to suffer on that date and spend it in agony or you can decide that you are not. How you accomplish that is up to you. Conscious concentration, counseling, spending the day alone to meditate and re-center, it's up to you.

Personally, infidelity is a deal breaker for me so take this as you wish. If you are still this upset about it 4 years on, are you sure you're where you want to be? Are you living your true, honest life? Or are you living a life with rage and hurt pushed down inside you so as not to rock the marital boat?

AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2017 00:16

Your post sounds to me as if you are still with DP. If you aren't I guess you can ignore my last paragraph.

Original poster

TopangaD · 04/05/2017 00:28

Thank you so much for responses, and yrs still with him. We have moved on so much but as this date rolls around I'm reminded.. that's all.. x

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 04/05/2017 00:46

Oh cripes. I didn't realise that you were still with him. I couldn't do it. Sorry you're going through this Op :(

HildaOg · 04/05/2017 01:24

Personally I'd probably have a couple of flings myself to make his meaningless... I think that if you've been faithful and he hasn't it can be hard because it's unequal but if both cheat you can start anew because you've got yours too. I wouldn't tell him though.

If you can't let go and be happy with him then you have to find a way to move on and be happy for yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2017 01:43

Since you say 'may the 4th' does that mean it's tomorrow?

Is there any way you can book yourself a hotel somewhere nice or scenic and just go by yourself? It really seems to me that what you need is solitude to think about how you are going to live the rest of your life with this feeling inside you.

Original poster

TopangaD · 04/05/2017 08:40

Yeah it's today.. I started my maudlin last night.. thanks for the lovely messages felt better putting it out there.. had a lovely morning with him and my son.

I know I shouldn't remember, I don't remember the date when I found out about Santa Claus, or the date I found out my parents divorced.. I think it's the star wars thing.. may the 4th be with you.. maybe it always will.

OP posts:

nellythegoat · 04/05/2017 09:41

I think it's hard when it's a date that is memorable or easy to remember for other reasons. DP broke my heart the day before my birthday, it was 5 years ago but I have never been able to enjoy my birthday since because I have memories of being so so sad. We separated and then got back together, I'm not sure the latter was such a wise move.

I'm not sure what to say OP, perhaps time is a great healer and all that.

Pearl372 · 04/05/2017 09:52

It amazes me how they just seem to be able to bury it and forget it ever happened.
I'm still suffering 5 yr later.
I'm sure it's a form of PTSD.
I try to bury it, but the most obscure things just keep making it pop back into my head.
I understand why it happened. It was something in his makeup, ? Midlife crisis.
ButI'll never forget.

Hesabawbag · 04/05/2017 13:53

These things pop back into your head because of the trauma caused. It's natural and your brain warning you of danger. It's like if you get a stomach bug, even though the last thing you ate before was your favourite food, it will turn your stomach to have it again.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2017 14:32

I know I shouldn't remember

Who said you 'shouldn't'? I understand that you don't want to but if someone (him) is saying you 'shouldn't' remember what happened on this day as in it's wrong that you do, then that person is wrong. You can't 'rewrite' history by pretending something didn't happen. But, if you have decided to continue this marriage, then it is wrong if you beat him over the head with it every year on this date. Again, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. But it does mean not treating the 'forgiven person' like a shit (even though I think he is) one day a year.

I guess that's one of the things that makes forgiveness of infidelity so hard.

wonderingsoul · 04/05/2017 14:41

If your relationship has survived and if its better then before can you try n see it as a kind off positive? That yes what happened was shit but youv both come througj it together. Make it the start of a new furture x

NotJanine · 04/05/2017 14:55

Can you explain exactly how you are feeling today? is it just sadness, is it anxious?

Wormulonian · 04/05/2017 16:05

I agree with others- it is the effect of trauma. You gave him the precious, precious gift of yourself and your emotional trust. He betrayed that and emotional trust and intimacy is hard to rebuild - you will never be so innocent and pure in your trust again and you had to grieve the loss of that bond.

Your DH did not have the same experience as you as the one betrayed and did not feel your heart rending pain - only you felt that and it leaves an imprint (he felt pain in other ways). You can move on - as you seem to have and still have a great life together but it does not mean it never happened.

Wormulonian · 04/05/2017 16:09

I know it is a cliche but 4 years is not that long - as time goes on it will lessen. I had something awful happen to me in my early twenties and used to be aware of the date annually despite my best efforts to avoid it but over the decades it really has faded - I know the month now but no longer the day and date of the event.

Original poster

TopangaD · 04/05/2017 18:07

Thanks for all your messages ... it's another year done. I'm feeling ok.. I was anxious about the day but as it went on and I was busy I thought of it less.. i look forward to the year where it passes and I don't notice. Have a lovely evening

OP posts:

IrianOfW · 05/05/2017 11:10

It's been five years for me next month. I can honestly say it doesn't bother me anymore. At some point in the last year I was just able to let it go - it didn't matter anymore. Like putting down a heavy weight.

I haven't forgotten and it has had an impact on my life - but no more so than any other of the many difficult things we have tackled in our lives.

Code42 · 05/05/2017 18:11

For me it's 16 years - and I genuinely couldn't tell you the actual date. Or whether it was February or March, come to think of it Which is odd, as for years it really mattered to me.

At some stage, though, it just becomes less important, in the same way that first you go minutes without remembering, then hours etc I never found anyone else - and though it's a cliché, time really is a great healer. You'll get there, OP

Original poster

TopangaD · 05/05/2017 23:05

Code42 thank you you give me hope x

OP posts:

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