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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I really want to tell him, should I?

15 replies

Helpmeonthis · 03/05/2017 22:03

Ill try and keep this brief.

About ten or more years ago, in my twenties, i had a very brief 'thing' with a guy about 15 years older than me. I was young and naive I guess and really 'liked' him. We just clicked and had just the best time together although only a few months. Problem was he was a young man who liked the ladies and never kept the same one for very long and i just didn't realise that some people behaved this way so it was a shock when i really expected it to go somewhere and then it didn't

Life moved on and I had relationships, long term, etc but never forgot about him.

About four years ago he knocked on my parents door as he had driven by and seen my car on the drive. I got the shock of my life but my heart jumped when i saw him. we made some chit chat and he asked me to do some freelance work for him and his business. I declined as i was in a relationship at the time and living with my partner and when i saw him all my old feelings came flooding back and it didn't feel right to have him in my life knowing how I felt and being with my partner. So out of respect for my partner i said no.

About seven months ago, he came knocking on my parents door again when i was out. He asked them to ask me to call him. I had moved back home by this point as i had split with my partner. I called him a few days later and we went out to lunch.

We had a catch up and it was just the best time of my life. we joked, laughed, loved being in each others company, even for just a few hours, I don't think either of us wanted it to end, i certainly didn't. We just 'get' each other and quite honestly, I still feel as mad about him as i did ten years ago. The trouble is he just cant or wont settle with anyone monogamously and I know this is him through and through. He tried to contact me again but i had to let it go as my heart just couldn't cope i felt like i could fall head over heels with this guy but I know it would never work because in my experience he cant be trusted.

Now I am saying this from my mid thirties, I'm not a crazy twenty something year old anymore and I can control myself and have feelings but not let them take over. But for some reason, I just cannot let go of the fact that i want to tell him how i feel. I have this burning desire to tell him how i feel.

I want to tell him, that i still have all the same feelings for him as all those years ago, that i love being in his company and that i havent ever felt the way i feel about him, with anyone else and that i still do to this day. He makes me feel happy, excited, like anything is possible, we laugh non stop.

But i also want him to know that i dont want anything from him, i dont want to be with him or have a relationship because i know deep down i will get very hurt because he has his limitations were relationships are concerned and im ok with this. All i want is to get these bloody feelings off my chest and tell this damn guy how i feel so i can move on!!

When we met up i even said to him at one point, 'now your older don't you just want to stop all the games with women and settle down a bit?' and he said yes maybe he does, and in that second my head was screaming at me 'please let it be me, let it be me!'

But i laugh at myself when i remember this as i know it isn't me and it cant be me as even if he said yes i've got feelings for you too, (which is doubtful) id never act on them due to his previous track record. I wouldn't let someone do that to me.

And this is fine, as i said i just want to get these feelings out get over them and move on.

So should i tell him?

OP posts:
Barbaro · 03/05/2017 22:07

Yes tell him. What do you have to lose?

JK1773 · 03/05/2017 22:12

What do you hope to achieve by telling him? You say if he reciprocated you would not act on it but reading between the lines I think you would, how would you stop yourself? It's difficult to say because you seem to want a happy ever after but on the other hand think he'll hurt you. Only you know the man, if he's kind then maybe go for it but if you think he'll just use it as an ego boost don't bother. However you do only live once and he does seem to keep looking you up. I don't know the answer. How useful of me lol Confused

Huskylover1 · 03/05/2017 22:14

So he is 50 years old (ish) and never settled down? You do realise, that at 35 you are a huge catch for him? I am 47 and my DH is 44. Know your worth. But yeah, lay it out. Neither of you is getting any younger. Don't you want kids though he is too old for that now

HildaOg · 03/05/2017 22:15

Maybe he does want to settle. I know a couple of men like that who have and they're extremely faithful because they've already had everything. The worst married man whores I know settled down very young.

Ask him out for dinner and see where it goes. If it comes to a point where you start seeing each other then tell him how you feel but develop the relationship first. Treat it as possibly a bit of fun and who knows where it will go. Go slow. Have fun. If he's right for you then he'll go along with it. If not, you'll have had fun.

Soundofthecrowd · 03/05/2017 22:15

Don't tell him. What would be gained? He will have a massive ego boost, he sounds a player. It sounds as though rather than being able to move on it would make you feel more vulnerable. You know there's no future with him as you will never be able to trust him as you know his track record. Why let him have that power over you? Good luck with finding someone who really deserves your affection.

Huskylover1 · 03/05/2017 22:16

And I should have added, that our "kids" are adults.

Helpmeonthis · 03/05/2017 22:18

The only outcome that i want is have internal peace. I just want to know i said it, its off my chest and done with. That's really all i want. I'm not requiring a 'happy ever after'. I have seen some things recently which have made me realise that life gives you unexpected twists and turns and that maybe you should say what you feel when you feel it.

OP posts:
Helpmeonthis · 03/05/2017 22:18

No i do not want kids nope nope nope!

OP posts:
outabout · 03/05/2017 22:18

50 is not 'too old' to be a father.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 03/05/2017 22:21

Tell him

Helpmeonthis · 03/05/2017 22:21

I did think about if it would make me more vulnerable but i don't think it would. It may give him an ego boast but you know what, thats ok, as i am very firm that i do not want anything from him, he has no power over me in this respect.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 03/05/2017 22:24

Hang on. You have a app open, running in the background so you don't even know it's there. It's saying 'I want you. I want you to want me. If I tell you how I feel, a miracle will happen and we'll fall into one another's arms and laugh and laugh and laugh and we'll be happy together forever and all that history, all those women, will just magically be wiped away and we'll be a great story and we'll tell our grandchildren how everything came good and how you'd held a torch for him like forever and then he realised he just couldn't live without you and then you both were blissfully in love for ever'.

Because you've just told thousands of people on here us and that hasn't quite scratched the itch. So why do you specifically have to tell him? Because you want him to reciprocate your feelings and tell you he has always loved you really, deep down, and that it's True Love that has stood the test of time.

btw I was nowhere near sorted by my mid 30s. Just saying. Same old same old stuff, as always

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 22:24

a app?? Blush

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 22:26

as i am very firm that i do not want anything from him, he has no power over me in this respect.

I'm sorry, I just don't believe you.

sproutsmum · 03/05/2017 22:36

It probably won't make you feel any better, engaging in any way just invites it back into your life and keeps you focussed on it.
If he was that amazing for him,he could have made the effort to overcome obstacles to be with you.
People show you who they are with their actions.
Be very sure about it before you put yourself in a position to be disappointed again.

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