Ill try and keep this brief.
About ten or more years ago, in my twenties, i had a very brief 'thing' with a guy about 15 years older than me. I was young and naive I guess and really 'liked' him. We just clicked and had just the best time together although only a few months. Problem was he was a young man who liked the ladies and never kept the same one for very long and i just didn't realise that some people behaved this way so it was a shock when i really expected it to go somewhere and then it didn't
Life moved on and I had relationships, long term, etc but never forgot about him.
About four years ago he knocked on my parents door as he had driven by and seen my car on the drive. I got the shock of my life but my heart jumped when i saw him. we made some chit chat and he asked me to do some freelance work for him and his business. I declined as i was in a relationship at the time and living with my partner and when i saw him all my old feelings came flooding back and it didn't feel right to have him in my life knowing how I felt and being with my partner. So out of respect for my partner i said no.
About seven months ago, he came knocking on my parents door again when i was out. He asked them to ask me to call him. I had moved back home by this point as i had split with my partner. I called him a few days later and we went out to lunch.
We had a catch up and it was just the best time of my life. we joked, laughed, loved being in each others company, even for just a few hours, I don't think either of us wanted it to end, i certainly didn't. We just 'get' each other and quite honestly, I still feel as mad about him as i did ten years ago. The trouble is he just cant or wont settle with anyone monogamously and I know this is him through and through. He tried to contact me again but i had to let it go as my heart just couldn't cope i felt like i could fall head over heels with this guy but I know it would never work because in my experience he cant be trusted.
Now I am saying this from my mid thirties, I'm not a crazy twenty something year old anymore and I can control myself and have feelings but not let them take over. But for some reason, I just cannot let go of the fact that i want to tell him how i feel. I have this burning desire to tell him how i feel.
I want to tell him, that i still have all the same feelings for him as all those years ago, that i love being in his company and that i havent ever felt the way i feel about him, with anyone else and that i still do to this day. He makes me feel happy, excited, like anything is possible, we laugh non stop.
But i also want him to know that i dont want anything from him, i dont want to be with him or have a relationship because i know deep down i will get very hurt because he has his limitations were relationships are concerned and im ok with this. All i want is to get these bloody feelings off my chest and tell this damn guy how i feel so i can move on!!
When we met up i even said to him at one point, 'now your older don't you just want to stop all the games with women and settle down a bit?' and he said yes maybe he does, and in that second my head was screaming at me 'please let it be me, let it be me!'
But i laugh at myself when i remember this as i know it isn't me and it cant be me as even if he said yes i've got feelings for you too, (which is doubtful) id never act on them due to his previous track record. I wouldn't let someone do that to me.
And this is fine, as i said i just want to get these feelings out get over them and move on.
So should i tell him?