communication

[bloodyconfusednamechanger]

.. or lack of??

Me and my boyfriend make a great couple 80% of the time - we enjoy the same things, have the same interests, he makes me laugh - but he can't ever ever admit he's wrong and it's really beginning to grind me down.

I find he looks for a hidden meaning in everything I say, so that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

If I say something he doesn't like or that might hint at criticism he's always on the défense and comes back with 'well YOU do this' and 'YOU don't do that'

I have to work so hard to get back in his good books if we have an argument, and I mean sometimes days - but if he ever does anything wrong, it's all forgotten by me and pushed to one side, lest I want another row about how I don't let things go or how I hold grudges

By no means at all am I perfect - in fact I'm a nightmare but I'm beginning to feel ... complacent about things. Like I just can't be bothered to discuss things that are bugging me or worrying me or playing on my mind, because most likely they'll be superseded by his issues or I'll be accused of being negative or depressed (I am on antidepressants ...)

Is lack of communication something that can lead to the end of a relationship? I love him so much and he does so much for me and has carried me through some really tough times.

I just feel like sometimes although I'm in a relationship, I'm alone, or even that I'm pushing up against him!?

Bump!

Yes it can and it more than likely will (and probably should) . They don't change, this won't get easier.

Hi Les - thanks for the reply and thanks for the honestly. I guess that's all there is to it.... I feel like I've tried to explain and he's said he'll change and it's not happened yet

I recieved a text through the night from him basically saying he couldn't be bothered to try and that he's 'fed up of me being pissed off with how he is'...

Maybe we just are incompatible. It's upsetting because I've tried so hard to make it work. He never tries, if it's not handed to him on a plate it's just not worth it

It shouldn't be this hard. Yes there are compromises to make but if you find yourself walking on egg shells to keep him happy then there is something really not right. X

May I ask how old you are?.

I do not think you are a nightmare at all. However, he is and he is not above projecting his own stuff onto you either. You're seeking his approval all the time, approval he will never give you and he uses that against you as well. He is not your parent and is also frankly a rubbish example of a boyfriend. He also cannot admit that he is ever wrong; a big red flag too. They all state that they will change; they never do because this is too deeply ingrained within their own pysche. Also it gives him power and control over you as well. Look at his parents OP; what are they like?. Probably very similar to him.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied as you are now, relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

Do not get bogged down yourself in the sunken costs fallacy either; all this "trying to make it work" stuff is tantamount to that.That also causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. Do read up on the "sunken costs fallacy". Read up on co-dependency as well, have you confused love with co-dependency instead?.

You cannot make a relationship work on your own and basically he wants you to do all the work for him. He probably also thinks that you owe him because he has helped you through some tough times (and you perhaps feel indebted).

I would walk away from this relationship for your sake before you get any more hurt and perhaps over invested.

Thanks for the replies, I'm 22.

I feel like compromise is something I'm good at - when he says I need to work on something I really try to go out and do it - spend more time with friends, get a hobby, do well at my job

The codependency thing scares me......

The other thing is is that he just doesn't seem to realise he's doing it. So I wonder if it's just me with unrealistic expectations?? Sometimes a situation can occur and he will swear black is white and say something that definitely didn't happen and I know it didnt happened. Even making up what I said!

I think this is one to walk away from, OP. The 'telling you black is white' thing is called 'gaslighting' - I've never understood where it comes from as a behaviour, but it's undermining and unsettling and all sorts of other things not compatible with a good relationship.
That, plus his refusal to entertain any idea that he might sometimes be wrong, makes this a relationship to walk away from, not work at. Do it sooner rather than later, before you get dragged down any further.

If you have to try to make it work its not working. I've been there and its almost impossible to see when you're in it but blindingly obvious in retrospect. This guy is not invested in you and might never be able to invest in anyone properly, make that his problem not yours and leave him to it.

To be fair, he will admit he's wrong but only once the argument has dragged on for hours and I've lost the will to live. He makes me feel like I'm crazy sometimes. I know I do have issues, and I have stopped my ADs recently .... this morning after not speaking all night he just said you need to go back on your tablets... maybe it is me?

I do think he's invested in me, as I am with him. But I've really grown in a lot of ways since we started going out.

I sometimes think he liked me more when I was a meeker person....... argh. I don't know

I think you're overcomplicating what is very straight forward.

The more I read, the higher the red flags are waving.
Walk away op, if you don't you may well find yourself a shell of the person you once were. Were you on the ad's prior to being with him? I'm wondering if a lot of your issues might disappear if he happened to disappear ?

I wasn't on ADs before him but probably should have been.

I've been on and off them for the years I've been with him - I'm terrible for taking them properly and am currently on some 'diet pills' hence why I didn't want to mix ADs and another substance.....

I know I would be dévastated if we broke up

Diet pills? Thats not good. You're not making very sensible choices right now OP.

Your relationship sounds so exhausting

I think you'd be happier in the long run if you broke up

Yes I know re: diet pills. Does sound very dim but it's not a long term solution

And yes it is exhausting. It is but when it's good it's really good. I think it's simply a matter of head over heart

I'm not sure I'm brave enough though. Or even if I do actually want to. Sorry, not very coherent

To put it another way. Break up before he does it to you. If its exhausting you trying to make it work think about how exhausting it is to him resisting because he knows he cant change, he is what he is (as we all are). He'll get bored before you do.