How do you get over/come to terms with infidelity

[flibberdy]

My DH cheated late last year. He had an affair. We weren't living together at the time due to his work contract and it stopped once we were back together. I found out in February.
I was devastated, etc etc, I left him for some time but I decided to give him another chance.

It hurt, still hurts and I'd love to know how you 'get over it'
From his side he has been doing all the right things since and honestly (maybe foolishly??) I trust that he won't do it again. If I didn't believe that then I wouldn't be open to giving it another go, it would be pointless. He has been the model husband so far. It's back to its best in that respect.

But how do I come to terms with the fact it's happened?
I think I'm doing fine but then it'll hit me...
he had sex with someone else. When we have sex it may pop into my head. Did he hold her like that? How was she in bed? Did he prefer this/that?
It doesn't help that she lives in our city. I walk around the centre convinced I'm going to see her.

How do you get over it? I find myself thinking about it every day, sometimes lots. Sometimes not. But it's always there.
Is it always going to be there? A dark shadow in my mind? I hate it. But I made the decision to try again so... do I have to pull my big girl pants up?

I find if we have a disagreement (nothing major just a squabble) I'll find any opportunity to remind him of his infidelity to 'win points' it's pathetic of me. If I've decided to move past it, I should let it go surely?

Argh I'm sorry for this garbled post. It's a reflection of my head right now.

I really want to work through this.

How???

Counselling together?

Some people can get past it. I couldn't. It took me 4 years to leave though. There are billions of men on this planet. Find one that can be faithful, would be my vote. I'm not sure he will change. My ExH cheated on me. Lots. He cheated on his next partner too. He just cannot turn away a bit of action with a female. My now DH...it wouldn't happen, he has morals. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. You deserve more. My advice would be to tell him to fuck off.

If you can't let it go then for your own sake you should let him go. We all have different things we're capable of accepting, tolerating and forgiving, only you decide what you can be happy with in your relationship. If you can't forget and be happy with him now, then it's time to move on.

I am not sure. My husband had an affair with a girl half his age. Put me through 10 months of hell, still trying to put the pieces back together but i am not sure it will work. It had been 2 years since i found out and i am still dealing with the fall out. Sorry x

I've not experienced it but have known many that have. From what I've seen, you never get over it, you get on with it. Or you split. I know I'd split if it were me. Good luck. X

TBH it's not easy and the trust takes years to come back, we are 7 years on from dh's affair and although it's been hard I know it is worth it. There are some caveats to this though!
We had been through a very difficult time in our marriage when it happened and neither of us liked the other at the time ( this is normal, married people are human )
We decided to separate before this happened but we still shared the same house financial reasons
I made him make a decision : her or us and if he stayed he went to counselling.
I discovered I wanted him in my life but I didn't need him ( that scared him )
We now discuss issues instead of just rubbing along.
I had to let it go ! This was hard but if you want to stay together neither of you can dredge up stuff to beat each other with.

It's not for everyone but I hth

Thank you for your replies.
I guess I just have to give it time but realise if I stay it will always be there lurking.
Counselling might be a good for me though. I'll look into that

I'm 5 yrs down the line and still not over it.
Get regular flash backs, still don't completely trust him.
Still really annoys me that I didn't have a clue, and was completely shocked when it happened. He still was in contact with her even after he swore it was over. She had some kind of hold over him, and he kept going back for more.
He was the last person you would think that would have an affair.
We've put it down to midlife crisis. He was 53yrs. Married 29 yrs at the time.
Found out who she was by some detective work.
She was complete opposite of me, 5 years younger but someone who I thought he wouldn't touch with a barge pole.
She fed his ego, told him how wonderful he was, how she'd never met anyone like him etc.
I arranged to meet her, she swore nothing was going on.
I found Txts on his phone and answered them when she thought it was him answering her. "At it like rabbits " can't wait to meet you etc.
He came to his senses about year down the line . Over the last 5 yrs since I've received several Accidental Emails apparently meant for other people, from her email address.
Looks like she's trying to torment me. Let me know she's still around.
I show them to my husband, to show how twisted she is.

No offence but unless you have heard it from the horse's mouth so to speak you have no idea what went on with this woman during the affair, you only have his version which will not be the complete truth, it never is. Sick of women blaming the OW because their husband couldn't keep it in his pants, it's called having a moral compass and having the will not to cheat; people who cheat make a choice that their relationship is not something they hold as sacred, otherwise they'd never have done it.

By all means stay with that person but don't be a fool to think you can trust them ever again, you can't, they've shown you that.

"No offence but..."

Where in my post did I blame the Ow? No where. I know it was him that betrayed me

I couldn't get over it. I wouldn't trust them again simply because I'd know they were capable of cheating, that they COULD do it and be ok with it.

There's no getting around that one, is there? All the talk of 'work at getting the trust back' - to me, that's balls. Trust is something you have in someone that they would not do x. Then you catch them doing x...

So from that point on, you can thrash things out and you can genuinely get to a point where you think it's not likely that it would happen again, but it's never going to be the same. Never.

So I know I wouldn't put either myself or them through the shittiness of a relationship with that poisoning it. It would definitely for me be worse than staying in the relationship.

Good luck. But don't feel somehow that you 'should' be working on it, getting over it. If it isn't happening then I would move on.

OP I am right at the start of the hell of a cheating spouse. I am pretty sure we are not going to survive - MNers talked sense to me just the other day. However, I want to be able function properly one day and leave this behind for my own sake/sanity. I have utter respect for those women who keep going - it seems just as tough and perhaps harder in the long run than splitting up. I am going for therapy next week so no answers for me yet but I am hoping it will help. I would have one on one therapy first before moving to couples counselling just so you are clear in your own head - if you get what I mean?

Sorry OP, I got confused with this post and the other one about a cheat.

No probs Adora. Unfortunately there are a lot of cheats about (lol) 🙄

Broken bird - one to one counselling would be best for me to start with definitely. good luck

I agree about couples counselling, I think that could be hugely helpful as long as he is properly onboard with it.

My other thought is it depends why you have decided to give it another go. If it's because you love him and want to be with him then I think you stand a chance of getting past the infidelity. If it's because financially/practically/logically it's easier to try again, then I think you're going to struggle as your heart won't be in it.

Going against the grain here, but if you need counselling to make a relationship work, I think it's all but over. It just shouldn't be that hard.

I disagree Huskylover1 - my current DP and I have had couples' counselling and we probably communicate better and are more aware of what each other wants and how to achieve it than in any other relationship I've had.