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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't like husband very much at the moment!!

54 replies

UnhappyMummyATM · 03/05/2017 17:00

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons!!

Bit of background info: I gave birth to our first born DS four months ago. Few complications during delivery which have left me not really wanting to get intimate with my husband plus I'm breastfeeding and my hormones are very much geared towards me being a Mummy rather than a red hot lover at the moment!
Husband has a high sex drive but does respect my wishes not to get jiggy however does pressurise me a lot for help with hand jobs or a blow job (the latter of which I have refused). I don't feel comfortable performing sex acts in the same room as DS for a start and secondly other aspects of our relationship have gone down the drain and I don't think I love him anymore and can't bear the thought of being intimate with him. Anyway, on the weekend I was breastfeeding DS in bed and husband asks me to, "get out my other tit so he can have a wank." This really upset me and turned my stomach to be quite honest!! However I just wanted to shut him up so obliged. Ten seconds later I had milk pouring out of the other boob and got upset and put boob away and told husband no. Do you think I was BU??

OP posts:
Pollydonia · 03/05/2017 18:41

So your literally his wank toy. Run , he is a nasty bellend Angry

Original poster
UnhappyMummyATM · 03/05/2017 18:43

category12 I already Googled about breastfeeding affecting access but unfortunately the father's rights to see his child are considered more important than breastfeeding 😔 I'm really stuck!!

OP posts:
BarryKwipkee · 03/05/2017 18:46

You dont have to go as far as australia tho.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2017 18:48

Unhappy,

re your comment:-

"I wish I could leave him but I'm trapped because if we split up he'll get access to DS at the weekends and stuff which I don't want. I'm really not at all happy at the moment. He does nothing round the house or for the baby which I find really hurtful"

Do you really think he would be interested in having access to his child in the long run given the fact that he is doing nothing now for either him or within the home?. Such men are more likely to use the child as a weapon against the mother.

Men like this would probably not be at all interested in wanting contact in the long term. Staying for him for that reason really does not make sense, this child should not be the glue that binds you and he together either. Your child also won't say thanks mum for staying with his dad if you are this unhappy now with good reason.

Many abusive men do appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world but the mask can and does slip and perhaps one or two people have their own private suspicions about him. Also these people do not live with him day to day like you do, you know the full horrors of what he is like with you. Your son simply cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships.

Teach your son positive lessons about relationships and show him that you were not put here to put up with rubbish treatment from his father. Womens Aid are also well worth talking to on 0808 2000 247

Jackiebrambles · 03/05/2017 18:53

Oh god you poor thing, that turned my stomach too. Utterly fucking vile.

Please make plans to leave him. Agree I doubt he'll want weekend contact!

sparkleandsunshine · 03/05/2017 19:00

This is really horrible. My DD is 3 months and if this happened to me my guy would be getting a slap and made to sleep on the sofa!

category12 · 03/05/2017 19:14

What Attila said.

Eminado · 03/05/2017 19:20

I am really sorry but I agree with Adora and JK.

I know people are different but that is just horrible to me.

With my first my DH didnt go near mine for about 9 months and I was so thankful as my boob monster baby completely changed how I felt about them, and apparently how he saw them too. My 2nd has been less boob controlling but I still dont think bfeeding mixes with "sexy boobs" mentally (for me at least) for a fair while.

Your DH's behaviour was really crass.

Is he engaged with caring for your baby?

I hope you are ok Flowers

Penfold007 · 03/05/2017 19:25

UnhappyMummy sexual coercion is a criminal offence now. Attila's post is spot on.

Doublemint · 03/05/2017 19:28

Reading this has made me feel sick. What a fucked up man he is. You poor woman, start planning now. Maybe consider some counselling to focus on building your confidence up to tell him "no", and stick to it.

summerblonde · 03/05/2017 19:39

I really feel sorry for you, reading your post made me feel so sad. I breastfed my baby and the thought of nursing her whilst my OH sat jerking off is incomprehensible. He's sick.

thethoughtfox · 03/05/2017 19:40

That is really disturbing. Trust your instincts.

RatherBeCrazy · 03/05/2017 19:47

If this is real, he's sick and selfish.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2017 19:54

Urgh. I felt a bit sick at the thought of that.

Poor you OP.

43percentburnt · 03/05/2017 20:17

I'm with Attila. I also think that if you push for contact he may reduce of his own accord.

If he has baby eow whilst you are enjoying your new found freedom. Having dinner with friends, going out, meeting new people, maybe having taken up a hobby, I think he may start fucking you around. Upsetting you by stopping you going out, cancelling contact at last minute etc. No longer being able to have baby overnight, having to work last minute or 'not helping you go out to shag men'.

Are you definitely having baby next week as I want to book something? I'm seeing carol on Friday can ou pick baby up early? Don't forget I'm away that weekend, I won't be able to pick up extra nappies/socks/wipes. These phrases are the ones which may help.

He will want to hurt you. Use this to let him think he is hurting you (your social life).

CelestialFox · 03/05/2017 20:37
Flowers
Original poster
UnhappyMummyATM · 03/05/2017 21:02

ratherbecrazy sadly this is very true!

I think he would push for contact because he'd be getting pressure from his family and he'd want to keep up outward appearances. Unfortunately for me, his SIL is a very good divorce solicitor.

As it is DS screams whenever H holds him and the thought of my lovely DS enduring weekends of this break my heart. He's a shit Dad!! As for sexual coercion, how would I prove it, it would just be my word against his. I think my best bet is to move to the other end of the country and hope he's too lazy to keep up with access visits.

OP posts:
blue2014 · 03/05/2017 21:53

Yes I would move as far as you can get away with. Please do consider calling women's aid (you don't have to prove anything to them) and get advice as to how to leave

You poor poor love, my thoughts are with you. I'd like to punch the bastards face in

Huskylover1 · 03/05/2017 22:09

I am aghast that he could wank over one boob, whilst baby was latched on to the other! Anyway, that aside, if you don't love him any more, then you need to set the wheels in motion to split. Given that you were TTC only 13 months ago though, I am somewhat confused? Did he turn into a monumental shit when you got pregnant? He must have been ok prior to that, or you wouldn't have been TTC with him.

Original poster
UnhappyMummyATM · 04/05/2017 02:29

husky yes he started to change when I was pregnant. I caught him looking at porn on his phone which made me feel really shit about myself but I thought it was probably fairly normal so tried to forget about it. But I'm surprised at how rubbish he is as a Dad because he's always great with other people's kids! DS is a total joy and I can't understand why H is so crap with him.

OP posts:
BuckinghamLass · 04/05/2017 03:35

Jesus. The wanking thing has me shuddering.

I'm so sorry, OP, this sounds so difficult. But please keep posting here - people will be able to help.

Flowers
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2017 06:48

ATM

Again abusive men often ramp up their abuse further when the woman becomes pregnant so I was not unfortunately surprised to read that had happened to you. He may well have started to up the power and control antes against you before then as well.

He is "good" with other people and children because that is part of the image he wishes to portray to the outside world. He also wants to isolate you further by trying to show them that he is a "great guy". Its still all an act, you are seeing the reality of him behind closed doors and your son will become more aware of all this from him as he gets older.

You should seek legal advice from a Solicitor asap, knowledge after all is power. There are good ones out there and you can find one. Discuss child contact with a Solicitor and do not go on mere supposition re he having weekends and such like. Certainly do not use that as a reason to stay within this.

missmayup · 04/05/2017 07:07

That's really awful my love. At the end of the day, he's made you feel so so uncomfortable at a really vulnerable time so I think you are very entitled to at least ask for some space. Is there anywhere you could perhaps stay for a couple of days with bubba? I always find a trip back to mum or sisters house sorts me out if I'm feeling overwhelmed. :) On the other side of things, if you would like him to leave, how is he likely to respond? If you wanted him to go, take some time to consider how you'd like it all to happen, write some things down like when you'd like him to see bubba, financial arrangements, things you'd like to talk about. I find it much easier to have a serious talk if I've written it all down. Just know that these feelings of sadness will pass, things will get easier, don't be too hard on yourself either, because you're made of super strong stuff! You are a mama! ❤️

yaela123 · 04/05/2017 07:47

How are you this morning? Flowers

Original poster
UnhappyMummyATM · 04/05/2017 09:29

yaela pretty low! Hardly slept which makes everything seem ten times worse! But thanks for asking 😊

OP posts:
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